Great Onelies in Real Time: Shanaz (YOUR RESPONSES REQUESTED) January 8, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Great Onelies in Real Time, Heteronormativity, Profiles, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: gay, haircut, homophobia, iranian politics, lesbian, single, singlism
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This evening my hairdresser and I talked about being Onely. Shanaz likes men but is more interested in friends, her hair artistry, her daughter, her writing (Persian language commentary on Iranian politics), and just life. “I’m happiest without a boyfriend,” she says. At forty-something, she’s been married and coupled and single and even accidentally involved with a married man. And she chooses single.
But you know what’s coming next, don’t you? Yes. Shanaz said,
“When I was thirty-four and getting married, many of my clients told me, ‘Oh, thank goodness, I thought you were a lesbian!’ ” Oh, well done, clients! A double axle: disparaging singles and homosexuals in one swoop! Bravo! Bravo!
“One of my friends,” continued Shanaz, “He sees me and he always asks if I am seeing someone. I tell him I don’t need a man, I’m happy. He says, ‘but of course you need a man.’ He says, ‘You just haven’t met the right man yet.’ ” Here we’re back to the common singlist refrain of “It’s ok to be happy and single, as long as you have the end goal of getting a partner.”
My favorite story of Shanaz’s was, “This one client, I cut his and his wife’s hair, he says to me because I’m single, ‘You must be a lesbian.’ I say, ‘Yes, I go with your wife. Your wife likes me.’ Then one day I was cutting his wife’s hair, and he walked in, so I leaned close over his wife like this, and put my hand on her back and said ‘yes honey’ and acted loving. Then I pretended to just have noticed her husband, and I jumped back and said, ‘Oh no, you caught us!’ ” When she told this story, complete with pantomines, I had to choke back my laughter so as not to endanger my seventy dollar haircut.
Even if it weren’t an awesome haircut–which it is, Shanaz haircuts always are–it was worth the price just for the chance to gossip behind the backs of all those heteronormaholes.
Copious readers, please help us come up with responses to these statements:
“You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
“You must be gay. Are you gay?” (How do you answer if you’re straight and single? How do you answer if you’re gay and single?)
We’d also love to hear your responses to the other singlist questions discussed in this older post.
–CC
Onely.Org 
For the first question…suggest that the questioner try squeezing water from a stone. If they say it doesn’t work, tell them, “You just haven’t found the right rock then”.
Or, if they give you the old “Until you try it you don’t know what you’re missing”, suggest that they join the Marine Corps or the Peace Corps or something like that. If they say it’s not for them, just say “Until you try it…”
OH, these are EXCELLENT responses, Alan — thanks!!!!
L
Single=gay
Married=strait?
Where does that leave gay married couples? 🙂
WHOA, Bobby, I think those booms I hear are the heads of heteronormaholes across the world, exploding. . . –CC = )
PS. I am sooo excited for someone to tell me I haven’t met the right person, just so I can use Alan’s rock line. . .
LOL someone once made the mistake of saying I’d not met the right one yet. I launched into a very detailed, hysterical, and absolutely true list of the dozens and dozens and dozens of first dates I’ve been on… oh yeah, baby. Doms, subs, egomaniacs (that one really cracked me up because all his photos were straight on… you didn’t want to mention ‘profile pics’ in front of him because from the side? WOAH! Schnozz city). Desperate men, boring men, men who wanted a quick hookup, men who wanted to marry me sight unseen. And since my unfortunate victim had been so insensitive as to say, “Well, you just haven’t met the right one!” I forced him to listen to the whole. list.
He took it back.
LOL and when someone asked me if I was a lesbian, I put on the most earnest expression I could muster and said, “Oh, I’d love to be a lesbian, only… other peoples’ breasts confuse me.”
Haven’t found the right one yet:
* How about asking back “How do you know you found the right one? Did you try them all?”
* I have found the right ones: I have friends to go to the movies with, hiking and walking; I owe several books that are clearly the right ones to address issues I am interested in…
* I did find the right one! He looked great when I kicked him out.
* Sorry, I must’ve recycled the ad that announced the right one for me. (As if the person who is the Right One runs around with a sign “I am the One!”)
* I found the right one: Me!
Are you gay?
* Yes, thank you, I am very happy.
* If I were, why would that be important?
I got some *sorely, sorely* needed belly laughs out of “other people’s breasts confuse me” and “did you try them all?” and re-reads of the comments above those. Thanks Copious Readers. –CC