Comments on: Academic Alert! Michael Cobb’s “Lonely”

By: Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles

Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 07:52:14 +0000

When is this Cobb fellow going to write a book? I want to be first in line for it!

Cobb is onto something. Loneliness is a negative, reactive state experienced in the absence of something. When you’re busy, who has time to be lonely?

Prolonged loneliness is like an obsession–an obsession with having a mate, more friends, more social invitations. Like any other obsession, the more you obsess about it, the more your anxiety becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Additionally, the more we idealize coupling as the solution to loneliness, the more those of us who don’t or can’t couple become ashamed, embarrassed, stigmatized. The more different we feel, the harder it is to connect with others on a meaningful level.

Such a sad, vicious circle…

By: Lauri

Lauri — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:16:56 +0000

Alan, I feel the same. I don’t really know what “lonely” feels like, but I think that when I get bored when I’m alone, I fear that I have a mistake somewhere in my life, that “successful” people are out “doing” something right now. Intelligently I know this isn’t the case, but I raised in household where having oodles of friends and social plans every weekend was the major measure of success, and though I realized back in junior high that I was not the same person as my uber-popular parents, it’s still faintly tattooed in my brain!

By: Nikki Sommermorgen

Nikki Sommermorgen — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:51:35 +0000

I talked to the pastor afterwards during the reception and she was a very nice person. I think she got just so caught up in the whole wedding and marriage issue that she didn’t even think of unmarried people who might also attend the wedding. I briefly mentioned that I liked her sermon but that I was the only one who couldn’t turn to their partner. And she looked surprised and a little embarassed when I said that. I think she really hadn’t thought it all the way through and how it must feel to be single in that situation.

By: Alan

Alan — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:01:29 +0000

For me too, it’s either fear of having made a mistake, or just plain boredom. Couseling has helped allieviate the former, and more activities the latter.

That pastor seemed pretty clueless, didn’t she realize there might be single/divorced/widowed people present?

By: Nikki Sommermorgen

Nikki Sommermorgen — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:59:15 +0000

Hmm, what an interesting discussion. Loneliness is a very strange feeling.I don’t feel lonely very often, but when I do I think that – at least in my case – it often is a different feeling indisguise: Fear, envy, jealousy, helplessness… even boredom. If I have to make a big change/ decision in my life and there is noone I can ask for advice, I might feel lonely… but maybe it is actually just my fear of making the wrong decision. If a friend prefers to stay at home with her boyfriend instead of going out with me, my loneliness is actually jealousy. And when I lie in front of the tv at night and nothing is on and there is noone to talk to or go out with me, it’s boredom rather than loneliness. I don’t really think it is culture or society that “terrorize” me and causes my loneliness or social alienation in these situations.

Then, on the other hand… the one moment in my life, when I felt loneliest, was at my cousin’s wedding. When the pastor praised the holiness of marriage and how it is intended to be etc. She ended her sermon, by asking everyone in church to turn to their partner and tell that person how much s/he is loved. Everybody turned around to their partner…. everyone, except for me. I wasn’t bored, or fearful, and I definitely wasn’t jealous of my relatives who have mostly broken relationships with their partners. But I felt lonely. Maybe because I, as the only one who wouldn’t turn around to someone else and wisper the words “I love you”. But most likely I felt lonely, because I was “singled out” by the pastor. So, I’m sure there is some truth in M. Cobb’s theory.