Tags: David Bedrick, dr. phil, singles blog
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Bedrick, David. Talking Back to Dr. Phil: Alternatives to Mainstream Psychology. (Belly Song Press, 2013).
Copious Readers, welcome to our ongoing series of interviews with Dr. David Bedrick, who proposes a “love-based psychology” that goes beyond the normative (restrictive) ideals that our society (as evidenced by Dr. Phil) puts upon people.
Bedrick’s approach parallels Onely’s efforts to dismantle normative prejudices against unmarried people. We disagree with the idea that couples (whether socially coupled or married) are “better” than single people, or more deserving of government protection.
What happens when society suppresses
The “single” side each of us possesses?
Onely: You list seven basic principles of love-based psychology. We were struck by number 6: A love-based psychology views social prejudice as impacting people’s well-being. . . sexism, homophobia, classism, ethnocentrism, racism, and other forms of social biases play an integral role in the suffering people experience. . . (xxiii)
Singlism, the discrimination against socially single or unmarried people, is missing from this list. Can you comment on this omission or provide some examples you have encountered where a single person has been impacted by seeking help from mainstream psychology?
Bedrick: Thanks for mentioning this; I obviously have a blind spot here. It is good to be educated by you!
I am thinking of two examples. First, a woman who was constantly critical of herself whenever she saw people coupled. She too believed she should be coupled and that she wasn’t because she had a personality flaw. That kind of thinking is very injurious to the psyche. Valuing her path as an individual and helping her notice the unconscious privilege of partnered people, especially in her family system, was very important.
At another level, almost all of us have a “single” part of ourselves- a part that is either not interested in relating to other people or a part that is less open to accommodating their own impulses, directions, interests, etc. for others. This often makes negotiating relationships conflictual because we are encouraged to express our “together” part only. Our “single” part gets marginalized and later shows up as resentment, distance, tiredness, or even addictive patterns.
Once Upon a Stereotype November 26, 2011Posted by Onely in As If!, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys.
Tags: grimm, michigan dog man, single suspects, unmarried offenders, werewolves
So there I was, slouching in my massage chair, rotting my brain by watching the Grimm pilot, when I heard some singlist dialog. I sat up and sprang into action to write this post a month later.
Fairy-tale monsters live in our midst disguised as humans, but fortunately there’s a handsome cop who can see through their disguises. I tolerate the terrible dialog and acting (one woman actually dies by closing her eyes, opening her mouth, and dropping her head backwards in one fell swoop as she stands in our hero’s arms), for the chance to see werewolves. I will even–yes–tolerate tacky stereotypes of singles.
Our hero (you can recognize him from the monotone and Ken-doll haircut) chases a suspected child-killer-slash-monster through a park to the suspect’s house, then at 23:00 delivers this line to his skeptical partner:
He fits the profile! He’s a loner, he’s never been married, he lives across the street from the park.
Yes! He’s a loner! He must be our perp! (more…)
Love Us? Then “Like” Us! August 31, 2011Posted by Onely in Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Take action.
Tags: facebook revolution
To Our Copious Readers:
Well, we’ve finally joined the 21st century: Onely’s on Facebook! If you “like” us, the bonuses are endless: You’ll receive updates about our blog posts, pro-singles events or occasions, as well as links to articles or websites of interest to the singles’ advocacy community. What’s more, you can add content of your own: Feel free to post to our Wall and know that you’re a member of a growing special interest group.
Now all we need is for you to “like” us (for incentive, we’ve posted a special bonus link on our Wall). Luckily for everyone involved, it’s pretty easy: You can just click the “like” button over on the right sidebar of the blog, or you can search for Onely (we’re a page, not a person) from your personal Facebook account.
Also, don’t forget that you can still connect to us via Twitter, email subscription, RSS feed – or you can go the good old-fashioned route of bookmarking Onely as a “Favorite” on your web browser!
– Lisa and Christina
Tags: dear college dating advice guy, stupid unsolicited emails
Every so often, Christina and I receive emails from folks who obviously haven’t read our blog. Usually, these folks introduce themselves and say kind, generic things–”Love the blog!” “Keep up the great work!” “WOW! You two are such excellent writers, we’d like to offer you a book contract!” (Well, ok, not that last one.)
We’re flattered, of course. But we know they’re liars. How do we know? Because they send us links and encourage us to direct you, Copious Readers, to their websites. And their websites are, more often than not, about dating, intensive coupling, heteronormativity, and matrimania. As our real readers know, this is not what Onely is about.
So normally, we ignore the emails. Occasionally, we’ll send a kind but corrective reply. Although we always cringe, we generally take the high road, avoid the snark. We certainly don’t want to drag ya’ll into it.
But this time, we just can’t help ourselves. Christina forwarded me the following email with the comment “Oh, for god’s sake.” Why? Because at same time the solicitor is sharing links that prove he doesn’t read Onely, he also says that Onely is a sincere pleasure to read.
We would love to share with you an article that we just posted on our own blog! “20 Best Blogs for College Dating Advice” (http://www.onlinecollegecourses.com/2011/07/12/20-best-blogs-for-college-dating-advice/) would be an interesting story for your readers to check out and discuss on your blog.
Either way, I hope you continue putting out great content through your blog. It has been a sincere pleasure to read.
Copious Readers, we wondered: What snarky response would you compose on our behalf? Here’s what we’ve come up with so far:
Dear College Dating Advice Guy: Are you sincerely reading now?
We are pleased to point all our Copious Readers to an important new PRO-SINGLES book, Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It, edited by Bella DePaulo. The title says it all – the book demonstrates how singlism seeps into every aspect of our lives (politics, religion, law, pop culture) but remains generally unchallenged in the public sphere. 28 contributors (including DePaulo herself) articulate how readers can define, detect, and ultimately stand up to singlism in everyday life.
We are thrilled about this new collection, and we imagine you will be too. The book is available for immediate purchase via Amazon or this website, and it will be available on Kindle next month. Full press release after the jump: (more…)
Great News for Single Americans! (but you wouldn’t know it if you listened to the news) February 6, 2011Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, Singled Out, Singles Resource, We like. . ..
Tags: advanced directives, gay rights = singles' rights, hospital visitation rights, know your rights, LGBTQS, Obama pro-single, singles, singles get to redefine family too!, singlism in the media
To the delight of LGBTQS (that stands for lesbian-gay-bi-trans-queer-single) advocates everywhere, federal regulations now require that hospitals must grant all patients, no matter their marital, sexual or religious status, the right to define who they count as “family.”
Thanks to President Obama, the Code of Federal Regulations 42 CFR 482.13(h) and 42 CFR 485(f) requires that all hospitals in the U.S.:
(1) inform each patient of his or her right to receive visitors whom he or she designates, including a domestic partner, (2) do not restrict or limit visitation rights based on sexual orientation and gender identity, among other factors and (3) ensure that all visitors have full and equal visitation rights, consistent with a patient’s wishes. (– Human Rights Campaign)
Whoo hoo! Great news for singles, right? We certainly think so — but you wouldn’t know it if you relied on the media to explain. According to most reports I read, the major stakeholders are lesbian and gay couples. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but … ummm … what about lesbian and gay singles? Or … ahem … what about all singles (asexual, heterosexual, polyamorous, widowed, divorced, whatever).
Singlist media strikes again! Because it completely ignores the remarkably equalizing ramifications – for all Americans – of this new law, it upholds the couple-centric, heteronormative bias that all LGBTQS folk are trying to overcome. So you can see what I mean, let’s examine the following report posted on ABC’s news site shortly after the regulations came into effect: (more…)
STFU, Nicole Kidman December 29, 2010Posted by Onely in Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, STFU Celebrities.
Tags: nicole kidman, spending time alone
Welcome to the first installment in our new series: STFU, Celebrities, in which we wince and kvetch about Hollywood’s heteronormative, couple-driven culture.
I knew Nicole Kidman gave me the creeps, but I never knew why. Now I do! She is singlist in the most pathetic way–just because she can’t spend time by herself, she appears to take it for granted that everyone feels the same. According to the Daily Mail, Hello Magazine, and other illustrious news outlets, here’s what Kidman said about why she and husband Keith Urban named their daughter ‘Sunday’:
When we were both alone, before we met each other, Sunday was the day we dreaded most, because when you don’t have someone in your life Sundays can be really lonely.
Putting aside the fact that she has denigrated all her other relationships by not considering them “someone”, Kidman also appears to be pronoun-challenged. She should have said: “. . . When *I*, a beloved (except by Christina) movie star with friends and family and hobbies, don’t have someone in *my* life, Sundays can be really lonely”. Or maybe “When *Keith and I* didn’t have someone in our lives. . .”
Am I harping on colloquial grammarisms, reading too much into an innocuous statement, as the internet trolls might say? I don’t think so. She continues the “suffering single saved by coupling” theme for a whole nother paragraph:
Then when we met, we went from dreading Sunday to really loving it. It was the day when nobody was going to bother you, you could stay in bed, you could do what you wanted to do.
That’s odd–you know why I like Sundays? Because it’s the day when nobody is going to bother me, I can stay in bed, and I can do what I want to do. I appreciate those things, even though I’m (gasp) single.
Copious Readers, how do you feel about Kidman’s statement? How do you feel about Sundays? (Note: A proper reason to dislike Sunday is because it comes before Monday. )
P.S. Thanks to bangarang_dudette for flagging this on the Footloose Femails listserve.
Photo credit: muckster
Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, Part 33.5a: Singlist AT&T Commercial November 15, 2010Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, YouTube Style.
Tags: AT&T is singlist, presidents don't have to be married
I have been bothered by this commercial for several months now, and I’m embarrassed to say that I wasn’t able to pinpoint why until this weekend, when it hit me: OMFG the only reason this guy becomes PRESIDENT is because (besides having AT&T, duh) he met the right girl, got MARRIED, and had kids.
Couplemania at its worst, if you ask me.
Copious Readers, please share your thoughts.