You get my drift.

I don’t date because I already write, and writing is just. . . like. . . dating.  Here’s why:

1) Dating:  Years of work culminate in the ideal success–marriage. (At least that’s how it works in heteronormativeland.)

Writing: Years of work culminate in the ideal success–publication. (In writeronormativeland.)

2) Dating: Before going out, you spazz out in front of a mirror: “Should I wear the red shirt with three buttons or the fitted sweater?  The sandals that give me blisters or the ugly sandals?  If I put my hair up will I look like a librarian? What if he likes librarians? I wish I had a smaller nose. I hate my nose.”

Writing: Before sending out a story, you spazz out in front of a manila envelope: “Should I use the 20 or the 24 count paper? Will they like that joke in the opening paragraph or it is too cheesy? If I mention that I loved their August issue will I look desperate? I wish I had Susie’s metaphors. I hate my metaphors.”

3) Dating: You put a little dab of your soul out there for someone to possibly reject.

Writing: Same.

4) Dating:  ”Please let him call me. Is he going to call me? Shouldn’t he have called me by now? Does he expect me to call him? Is he scared of his feelings for me? Should I call him?”

Writing:  ”Please let them call me. Are they going to call me? Wouldn’t they have called me by now? Are they playing it cool? Are they too intimidated by my brilliance to make the first move? Should I call them?”

5) Dating: “He didn’t call me. I suck. No one will ever want me. I’m ugly. And I’m boring.”

Writing: “They didn’t call me. I suck. No one will ever publish me. My writing is ugly. And it’s boring.”

6) Dating: You think about the needs of the other person. You think about what the other person wants, expects, and can put up with. You regulate the reptilian part of your brain, editing and marketing yourself so you’re palatable to the other person. Don’t give me that “just be yourself” crap.   In the real world, every relationship (romantic or non) requires compromise and accomodation.  A little bit of altering yourself is ok, and might even result in your growing. Of course, just don’t overdo it and lose your core self.

Writing: You think about the needs of the publisher. You think about what the publisher wants and expects. You edit and market your work so it’s palatable to a specific publication. Don’t give me that “but I’m an artist; I can’t compromise my work” crap.  But in the real world, writers write for an audience or with the specific criteria of a certain publication in mind, crafting their work to fit the venue.  Of course, just don’t edit your piece to death so it crumbles like the experimental sugar-free brown rice flour oatmeal cookes I made yesterday. If the publisher insists on mangling your carefully crafted piece beyond recognition, then break off the relationship and take up journaling, which I guess would be the writery equivalent of masturbation.

This was all quite the revelation for me, and I am thrilled to now have a response to the annoying question “Are you seeing anyone yet?”

Copious Readership, do any of you have a hobby so similar to dating that it  binds to the receptors in your dating lobe, quenching your craving to meet members of the opposite sex for romance and dedicated partnership?

Christina

I don’t know that I ever had a watershed moment. I think my default setting has always been “mostly fine with singleness”, with momentary spikes into “feeling obligated to date to meet social expectations”. However, I think I had a Watershed Month or two sometime in mid-2008. 

In 2007 I was dumped. Twice. By the same guy. (I know, fool me once, shame on. . .)  He was my best friend, funny, smart, interesting, and so forth. The breakups were fraught with drama, emotionally exhausting, and oh, how I hated the year 2007. It was the worst year ever. Terrible! Horrors! How would I survive without his support and phone calls? What good was anything? Oh the sadness, the loneliness. No one understood. Awfulness. Tears. Screams. Fetal positions in the bathtub.

Then in 2008, several things happened: I got sick on my flight home to Michigan and, terrified, ended up in the emergency room. My friend R, the best-hearted of all my friends ever, was in a snowmobile accident. My friend J was shot in the face in Iraq. Jon lost sight in his eye, and Roy lost his life. All I lost was my naivete.

2007 the worst year ever? Curled up in the tub because of a dumb boyfriend? Come on, Christina.

I barely thought about my ex-boyfriend in the subsequent months as I dealt with this new onslaught of grief and ill health. I won’t go into the details–I’ll just say I had to repair some drywall after I kicked a hole in it.  But as time passed the dust settled (and I painted over the new drywall).  I quit curling up, kicking things, and wanting to hurl stuff into the sky in hopes of hitting God in the face.  But I still retain one thing from that period: the sting of Perspective slapping me in the face.

Because we put romantic couplehood on a pedestal as a panacaea for all that ails us, we think we are justified in creating great emotional drama when our personal pedestal tips over. Especially in rich, privileged societies like the one this blog comes from, we forget that a breakup is not really a problem in the grand spectrum of troubles besetting mankind. Yes, they are hard and messy and become more so if kids are involved. But come on. Let’s all get out of our bathtubs.

What are your Onely watershed moments?

–Christina

So why isn’t there a massive ad campaign to encouraging people to improve their well-being by saving and socializing feral cats? Because this hobby isn’t right or comfortable for everyone! DUH.  So why is the federal government funding an ad campaign to promote the hobby of marriage? Because the government is Severely Duh-Impaired, that’s why:

 
Rachel’s post alerted Onely to the federally funded campaign to encourage marriage, as described in this USA Today article.  According to the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, which is spearheading the campaign in response to falling marriage rates, “Young people want ‘happily ever after,’ but lack skills to make marriage work.”

Um, so why not explore some different version of ‘happily ever after’? Because according to NHMRC, apparently none exists. Marriage is not only a panacaea, but the only panacaea (oh man, am I an excellent speller or what?).

Here’s an easy way to find your Congressperson and write them an email directly!  Rachel has some good talking points you could include in your note. Here is how I commented on the USA Today piece. Look, I have no friends!

Onely (0 friends, send message) wrote:4m ago

I am astounded that everyone (uh, the government) is automatically assuming that falling marriage rates are a problem. I agree with the article: “Whether or not it constitutes a problem depends on broader, and contested, propositions about marriage in relation to the common good.” Absolutely. And if you read the studies correctly, marriage has no implicit value for the common good, except for the artificial privileges we assign to it. Marisa Martineau is right that the government needs to focus on “the disparities between married and unmarried people” and ask not how we can get more people to marry, but how we can achieve parity and social support for all varieties of family units and single people. Marriage has certainly not proven itself to be the way to accomplish this.

-CC

10 Tips for Defusing Jealousy Once You’re Engaged

What to do when someone greets your engagement news with envy, not elation? Read our guide to taming the green-eyed monster.

By Lori Seto

One moment you’re on Cloud 9, sharing the news of your engagement, savoring every juicy detail of the proposal, then boom — you look up and your best friend/brother/sister looks positively ashen. Suddenly your feelings of pure elation curdle into muddled guilt. Some women are amazed to find their friends turning into catty competitors, goading their boyfriends into proposing, too, and trying to outdo your every wedding move. What’s a flustered fiancée to do?

Oh jeez, here we go. It’s the friends/brothers/sisters who are “positively ashen” and become “competitive” because they aren’t engaged? Good ol’ guilt-because-I-assume-I’m-happier-than-you-now-that-I’m-engaged. It’s the best kind of guilt, because it’s so self-involved (not to mention heteronormative). Here are my favorite few “tips” for the “flustered fiancee”:

5. Share the Spotlight

Sometimes the problem is simply that your parents are perceived to be ignoring the sibling that is jealous and slathering all of their attention and bragging on you. Acknowledge this inequity by saying, “I realize I’m getting a lot the attention and I hope it’s not bothering you.” If the sibling is married, point out that he or she has had the spotlight; for those that haven’t yet made the trip down the aisle, reassure them that their time is coming! ….

7. Show Your Love

Make sure your friends get the message loud and clear that their friendship is extremely important to you. Tell them how much happiness you wish for them and, if single, try to assure them that their perfect partner is out there somewhere.

Both of these tips essentially carry the same message (one for siblings, another for friends): I know you’re jealous because I’m so-ecstatically-happy-to-be-getting-married and you’re not. Okay. I understand. I love you in spite of the fact that you’re not as happy as me, and to prove it, I’ll reassure you that someday you’ll be happy too — but probably not until you find that “perfect” person, which is what you so obviously are craving.

9. Get It Out in the Open

When push comes to shove, acknowledge the awkwardness between you and your friend. Perhaps open with something like, “I wonder how you feel about my getting married?” or “I feel awkward about this situation because we’ve always shared our dreams about getting married. I wish this could be happening to us both at the same time.” Never say that you know how he or she feels (you don’t) but opening the door for a friend to vent can ease a lot of pressure.

Mmm, hmmm. Old familiar scenario of little girls planning their future-happiness-with-knight-in-shining-armor, scheming and dreaming of their white weddings together (damn, pop culture! damn you!). Okay so maybe you and your current/closest friends really did spend your childhoods a) together, b) plotting out your weddings at age 7 (personally, I am in touch with zero friends from my childhood, and I never ever planned a wedding with any of those that I had) — still! Why would that necessarily be the reason a friend is unhappy? Oh and I love the last sentence tacked on the end of this “tip”: “Never say you know how she feels (you don’t)” — yup, which is clearly why you’re prepared to say “I know we always dreamed of doing this together” almost as though you know how your friend feels or is thinking or something!

And here’s the bestest tip of all:

10. Invest in the Future

Slot a singles table into your seating chart and ask your friend to help you fill it — positioning him or her between two sexy singles is obviously the game plan! Why not? Lots of people meet their spouses at weddings. After all, love is in the air.

First of all: INVEST?!?!? You’re spending so much money on this wedding, better make sure your single friends get hitched soon so that you are invited to their weddings and get to eat the food they paid for!!! Second: A “singles” table reminds me of the “kids” table at my grandparents’ house when the family got together. Seriously. If I want to flirt, I will. I am not so introverted that I will not leave my table to talk to someone I like. And I don’t need you to play the puppetmaster, thank you very much…

I have a great T-shirt that I just bought this week that proclaims my feelings on this matter (and many more!) exactly: “I will not be trained.”

– L

Doc: “Are you planning on traveling overseas anytime in the near future?”

Me: “No” (LIE)

Doc: “Well, do you have any family – husband or children?”

Me: “Nope!” (cheerfully)

Doc: “Well then I guess this won’t affect anyone else…” (trailing off)

I was stunned that she didn’t know how else to motivate a single female with no kids or traveling plans. Umm, how about assume I care about my general well being? Or she might have pointed out that my work/school would suffer if I got sick (I’d already told her I was a grad student), which I most certainly can’t afford. Or perhaps my parents are aging and need me to care for them (not the case, but she wouldn’t know that!). But no, she pretty much gave up after the significant other/family appeal… Weird.

To her credit, she still tried to convince me to get the tetanus shot that day (I refused; I *know* that’s the one that hurts the most!) and she made me promise to come back. But if no one will notice if I’m gone/disabled/critically ill, well then I suppose there’s no hurry to get those shots!

Now I’m off to find a partner, so my life carries more value…

– L