Onely: Single and Happy » denial

Spurrious Rhetoric, continued

Onely — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:00:33 +0000

As a follow-up to my below Spurrious Rhetoric post, I feel compelled to acknowledge that buried in Dr. Pam Spurr’s singlist article is this one conciliatory, cover-your-ass sentence fragment: “Although, granted, there are some truly happy single women, the majority. . . ”

But at the beginning of her post she says she doesn’t believe that “any” single women are happy. So which is it? And how is she able to pass judgement on who is “truly” happy and who isn’t? In her article, she decides that one particular singleton is lying about her happiness because she crosses her arms “defensively”! Um, ever heard of air conditioning chills? Or maybe as she spoke, she was sensing Spurr’s singlist nature and steeling herself against it. Reading Spurr’s article, I felt like crossing my arms, too (and uncrossing them in the form of a right hook ) .

Do I sound righteously cranky? Or DEFENSIVE? Has this whole blog just been an elaborate exercise in denial? Copious Readers, say it ain’t so! Say it ain’t so!

–CC

Great Onelies in Realtime: Lisa

Onely — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:00:24 +0000

Welcome to Great Onelies in Realtime, a spinoff of our long-running (one post!) Great Onelies in History series. Our inaugural Great Realtime Onely is: Lisa, coblogger on Onely.org! Ok, sure, this stinks of nepotism, but to tell the truth, Lisa and I don’t know that many Onelies–at least none who met the extensive profile criteria of 1) being willing to be written about by us (chickens!!). That’s why we always solicit suggestions from you, Copious Readers. Do you have single friends who exhibit moments of great Oneliness? Do you have heroes in politics, science, the media, medicine, social work who also happen to be Onely? Let us know!

So, here’s why Lisa is a Great Onely:

Well, she started this blog, for one thing. She wanted to speak out about the lack of pro-single (or even single-accepting) rhetoric in the media, having noticed how even items that espouse “finding yourself” and “loving yourself” often end with “so that in the end, you can find a partner.” This perplexed her, because after being dumped by her boyfriend of six years, she had just discovered for the first time that being single was–not. . . so. . . bad. And actually, she kind of liked it.

”Whaaaa??” she thought, when she caught herself planning her meals, trips, career, and hobbies without a man and feeling. . . fine. Was she a freak? A selfish anti-socialite? Was she. . . IN COMPLETE DENIAL? According to many people and more magazine articles and even more reality tv shows, she was all three of those things, and more. But Lisa didn’t buy into the B.S. (she was too busy buying in to her PhD). She had several opportunities to start a new relationship for a relationship’s sake, but she declined them all in favor of being by herself for a while. Because it felt right. Diagnosis: Onely.

She used to work with mentally challenged children, currently volunteers for outdoor environmental projects, has trained her dog to run an obstacle course in her apartment, is never at a loss for a date when she wants one, bakes pies and cookies, laughs a lot, is admired by her students and her professors, received stellar recognition in her MFA writing program, recently wrote an opus about the relationship between teaching, traditions, and the way we write history/ies, has friends on both U.S. coasts, has driven cross-country twice, wrote a memoir both funny and tear-jerking, gets along with people of all stripes, and throws a killer theme party (pirate with an actual boat, anyone?).

And that’s just a sampler of why Lisa is a Great Onely in Realtime.

Everyone, don’t forget to nominate other Great Onelies!

–CC

Are Onelies Just in Denial? Dick comments.

Onely — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:29:40 +0000

In a spectacular display of nominative determinism, reader Dick made the following comments on social psychologist Bella DePaulo’s Living Single blog:

Over-Obsessing the Single Stigma

Submitted by Dick on May 4, 2008 – 7:54pm.

You seem to spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the ‘stigma’ of being single. Could it be that you are repressing your desire to connect with someone? I can hardly believe that single people are so repressed. Just another ‘ism’ to distract people from real problems.

What interested me most about this post was “Could it be that you are repressing your desire to connect with someone?”

Lisa and I have been anticipating this question since we started Onely. I’ll admit that although I feel happy in my Oneliness, sometimes I do have fleeting moments when I ask myself, “Hey, *AM* I perhaps in denial and just don’t know I’m in denial because, you know, I’m in denial?” That said, what all the Dicks out there need to understand is that just because a Onely is not in a coupled relationship doesn’t mean that they don’t “connect” with people in a myriad of fulfilling ways.

I am a little puzzled as to how Dick could have been *on* DePaulo’s blog long enough to comment and not have seen evidence of the single stigma. Ten minutes’ worth of internet research reveals that singles pay more taxes, more for health insurance, more for vacation packages, and they can suffer greatly under singlist tax laws. DePaulo repeatedly points out that singlism is not/not on a par with racism and sexism, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Lisa and I will be addressing the Denial question at various points in the future. In the meantime, we’d love from any Onelies (or Onelies at heart!) who struggle with this issue–or *don’t* struggle with it!

–CC

Spurrious Rhetoric, continued

Onely — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 13:00:33 +0000

As a follow-up to my Spurrious Rhetoric post, I feel compelled to acknowledge that buried in Dr. Pam Spurr’s singlist article is this one conciliatory, cover-your-ass sentence fragment: “Although, granted, there are some truly happy single women, the majority. . . ”

Do I sound righteously cranky? Or DEFENSIVE? Has this whole blog just been an elaborate exercise in denial? Copious Readers, say it ain’t so! Say it ain’t so!

–CC