Onely.Org

Sex, So What? May 29, 2009

On the heels of  Lisa’s dealbreakers post that talked about Involuntary Celibacy (a term that we may define differently than others do), we wanted to discuss Indifferent Celibacy.  As Bella DePaulo said in her recent sex post ,

Those who simply care less – or not at all – about sex are marginalized by contemporary sexual norms.

I postulate that it’s easier to be happily single if you don’t care about sex. Just like it’s easier to be skinny if you don’t care about marzipan.

Of course, people will ask, “What kind of a repressed person doesn’t want marzipan at least once a month?” or “Don’t you know that inadequate intake of marzipan leads to intellectual and physical stagnation?”

But Freud is dead, people.

I am pretty indifferent to sex. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s fair for me to write this blog about how easy it is to be happily single, when I have such an advantage over other wannabe Onelers.  Because the pursuit of sex is stigmatized unless it’s tied to pursuit of coupledom, an Involuntary Celibate who enjoys sex can feel obligated to create coupled “relationships” they really don’t want. Sex-sanctioned-by-couplehood takes up a lot more time and energy than just-sex. So Indifferent Celibates like me, who can take or leave sex, have our resources freed up for other things and can more easily unknot ourselves from the train tracks of our sex-and-pairing culture.

Full disclosure: I may or may not be a natural IndiffeCel.  While many sex-seekers (singles, couples, married, incels alike) have an ongoing goal of getting laid to feel good, I have wierd health problems that mean that I have an ongoing goal of not feeling crappy. You know that natural high you get when you’re getting ready for a third date with someone really awesome? Well, I get that happy when my right ear stops ringing. This up-and-down dynamic of the pursuit of health may well be replacing the pursuit of sex for me. Not to mention random effects of medication.  Maybe if I had a full-functioning physique, I would not be an IndiffeCel. Or maybe my my interests  would continue to lie elsewhere other than sex. Who knows.

But regardless of the reasons for my indiffecelibacy, my point remains the same: Oneliness is easier for me.  But there’s always a tradeoff:  Indifferent Celibates are stigmatized in our society more than sex-seeking singles, and even more than Voluntary Celibates.

VolCels have made a decision to not have sex, for reasons that are important to them (body health, mental health, religion, etc.). Mainstream America understands this kind of proactive stance easier than they understand someone who can take or leave sex like it’s a t-shirt on the discount rack at Target. If the media constantly bombarded us with images of Target t-shirts in bewitching-rich-desirable settings, then people indifferent to Target t-shirts would be thought very, very wierd as well.

Copious Readership, what do you think about IndiffiCels or VolCels? Are you or have you ever been one? Do you wish you were one? Are you glad you’re not one? Explain!

–Christina

P.S.  I hope Brian at Fitzroyalty is happy–he’s created a sex monster. Stay tuned for Onely’s upcoming series,  Animal Sex: What it can teach us about deconstructing heteronormativity. We were going to start this series today, but that would have meant we’d have to push this IndiffeCel post into next week, which would have meant we’d be mixing posts on Human and Animal sex, which is just too sexmonstery even for us (sorry, Brian = )  ).