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Single Middle-Aged Women Are Makin’ Stuff Up! June 5, 2013

Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.
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421px-Roman_-_Head_of_a_Woman_-_Walters_23143_-_BackI know I promised in my previous post to follow it up with The True Story of the World’s Bitterest Single Woman, but this news piece preempted it. Sorry. Next time.

Copious Readers, intermittently you may have heard me refer to the fact that I have a chronic illness. It is the terrible (if I may be so melodramatic) and controversial Lyme disease. I have been told numerous times that my pain is in my head. Which is why I was so upset about about this news article that our Copious Reader Beth O’Donnell flagged for me and Lisa. Have you ever been accused of making up symptoms, either on purpose or subconsciously?

This Science Blog post cites–practically sings about–one study in a series of studies by the University of Gothenburg. It followed 1,500 women since the late 1960’s. According to the article, the study “showed” that when middle-aged women are under stress, they manufacture pain in their heads (somatization). And single women apparently somaticized more, because they had the highest degrees of stress (they tied with smokers).

Problem: There was no word on how the study defined stress or determined that singles (and smokers) had more of it.

Problem: The study seems, according to the article, to have based itself on a notion that the researchers already had: that the women were somaticizing already, prior to being studied. The article describes the study thus:

 [It] focuses primarily on stress linked to psychosomatic symptoms.

Um. How did the researchers originally determine which symptoms (if any) were psychosomatic? Via some kind of Vulcan mind-meld? I hope so, because the researchers apparently used their belief that they could determine somatization as a baseline for their study of the effects of stress on somatization.

May Be Not As Problematic As It Appears: We at Onely hate what this article is saying both about sick women and sick single women, but we must acknowledge that all our information comes from the article itself. As you know if you read Dr. Bella DePaulo’s blog, many studies are flawed and don’t show what they claim to show. Even more often, the media misrepresents the results of a perfectly well-designed and valid study–which I think is what happened at Science Blog. So Because we have not read the original study ourselves, the only thing we can get foul-mouthed about is the writing in the actual article itself.

This (luckily anonymous) Science Blog author is a shitty science writer. He uses the word “showed”. I consider this word on a par with “proves”. And as any halfway-educated sciencey type person knows, you can never “prove” anything. You can only disprove. Studies can only “indicate that. . .” or “reveal that possibly. . .” or “possibly show. . .”

I have two Masters’ degrees in English/Writing, plus a Bachelor’s in Health Science. You can’t imagine how excited I am to have the opportunity to be a word snob across my educational spectrum! (more…)

The Wife Date December 9, 2012

Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Dating, Heteronormativity.
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As our Copious Readers know (but as we often have to clarify to our not-so-Copious Readers and Friends), Christina and I are not against coupling per se. We’re against the privileges associated with coupling, especially when they are unequal to the privileges provided for singles.

Why am I giving you this caveat? Because I went on a date recently. And I didn’t want anyone to think that, by going on a date, I was not being Onely. We believe it’s possible to be Onely and have a love life too.

That being said, I have something to say about the date, which I am heretofore nicknaming The Wife Date. Perhaps by the nickname you can guess how I felt about it. But in case you can’t, let me explain:

Have you ever gone on a date where the conversation consisted of a series of generic questions, rather than from finding mutual experiences or interests in common? (more…)

Single’s Movement Has a Slogan! February 20, 2012

Posted by Onely in Heteronormativity, Take action.
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Copious Readers, let us know what you think of this for our Singles’ movement slogan (if I may be so bold):

Separate sex and state!

Advantage: If you pronounce it SeparAYTE, it has rhyme and rhythm.

Disadvantage: Some people might read it as SeparUT.

Advantage: It has “sex” in it.

Disadvantage: It has “sex” in it.

As our regular readers will recognize, the slogan reflects how many governments give arbitrary rights and privileges to married couples, at the expense of gays who cannot marry and, less famously, at the expense of single people.  Yes, some companies or governments think of themselves as all progressive for providing some domestic partner benefits, but in doing so they’re just feeding back into the whole overdone trope of couple-privileging.

Moreover, “couple” is largely by default defined as two people who live together and have sex with each other on a regular basis. This prevents, or at least deters, two platonic females (for example) who live together, maybe share childcare responsibilities, and function as a married couple in all ways but one–dare I whip out the Kate & Allie reference? I do dare–from receiving or applying for domestic partner benefits.

This is why we think Separate sex from state is an appropriate slogan for progressive singles. Separate sex from state, and many other cultural prejudices about singles (selfish, lonely, always seeking “the one”) will fall away as well.


P.S. If you watch the Kate & Allie episode, aired in 1984, you’ll see how they float the idea of “family can be defined many ways.” Yet over twenty years later, so many people (and institutions) are still acting as if the hetero couple unit is the be-all end-all of family. Shameful.

Onely Hearts Valentine’s Day February 14, 2012

Posted by Onely in We like. . ., Your Responses Requested!.
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My co-blogger Lisa and I historically have struggled with what to write for our Valentine’s Day post. As a blog about progressive singlehood, we feel we are expected to write something. But one can only write so many times about what a dumb holiday Valentine’s Day is, before one begins to bore oneself.

So this year we’re writing about the non-dumb side of Valentine’s Day, which is, of course, CANDY HEARTS!

I love those little chalky pastel-colored hearts, not only because they are calorie- and sugar-free (they dissolve so delightfully on the tongue, how could they contain anything but fizz and love?).  I also love how the classic candy hearts are printed with messages that range from sweet to desperate to creepy: Honey Bee. Cutie Pie. Sweet Love. Be good. My baby.  Hug me. Let’s kiss. All mine. Do me. (Ok, maybe not that last one.)

We need bags of hearts for each and every holiday, especially National Singles Week.  Oh yeah, an entire week’s worth of candy hearts! Poor one-day Valentine’s fans can suck it (literally).

Copious Readers, what words would you stamp on candy hearts for National Singles’ Week in September (I plan early)? We haven’t yet gotten much of a response from you on our request for Renga poems, so we’re going to keep poking away at your creative potential until it bursts forth. Like a geyser. Or a zit. Either will be fine.

Here are some suggestions off the top of my head, ranging from personal to political to dorky: Not alone. Equal pay. All families. Single mom. Single dad. Stop showers. Who’s selfish? Super solo. One fun. Not looking. Live alone. Cohabitate. Love too. Myth free. So fine.


Photo credit: megaul

This Is Not a Valentine’s Post February 10, 2012

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Dating, Food for Thought, sex, single and happy.
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It’s been almost 6 months since I crossed continents and landed in Beirut. I’ve got to say, living here has added strength to my already strong Onely sense of self – and it’s not just because I made it here on my own. Certainly, simply making this journey made me stronger. But now that I’ve settled a bit and feel less like a stranger, I have come to realize that, for the first time in my adult life, the work I’m doing is absolutely satisfying.

That’s not to say that the work I’ve done in the past wasn’t satisfying – I’ve always loved teaching, and I loved getting my Ph.D. It’s just that my work never made me feel like this. I never imagined it could. And recently, the way I feel about my work has been thrown into high relief when I’ve been forced to compare it to the way I feel about the three men who have recently expressed interest in me. (more…)

Singles: Spread the Love this Valentine’s Day February 12, 2011

Posted by Onely in single and happy, Singles Resource, Some Like It Single.
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To Our Copious Readers,

We’ll be the first to admit it: There is no holiday that we feel less enthused about than Valentine’s Day. As bloggers to the single-and-happy population, we’re pretty sure that our readers feel the same.

And yet, precisely because we represent a population that is targeted and often excluded from the holiday, Christina and I face an annual dilemma: What are we supposed to write when it comes to Valentine’s Day?

Do we write about how we simply don’t care about it? Do we compose a brilliant critique of pop culture that illuminates, once and for all, how the holiday is just an overblown, matrimaniacal attempt to generate money for businesses who could care less about “love”? Or should we just ignore the holiday – since, after all, we could care less about it, and giving it our attention seems only to feed into the nasty heteronormative cycle we work so hard to resist?

We’ve vacillated amongst the “best” possible approaches: In past years, we’ve critiqued couples events, renamed the holiday (LGTOWAQAP Day for short), featured the quintessential anti-valentine, Death Bear, and even polled our readers for what we should do about this small annoyance. But this year, we’ve decided to do something different. We thought: So Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love, right? Who says it has to be romantic, couple-centric love? Why can’t we redefine what we mean by Valentine’s love and instead take this opportunity to “Spread the Love” we feel as bloggers within an ever-expanding and vocal pro-singles movement?

So, in the spirit of “Spreading the Love,” we are featuring six excellent pro-single, pro-happy blogs below that were, until recently, unknown to us. We hope you, our Copious Readers, will not only peruse these blogs with an open mind, but that you’ll also build on our list by promoting your favorite single-and-happy blogs in the comments below, especially if we don’t know about them! Please, also, “Spread the Love” by sharing this post with your friends, family, and strangers (it’ll be up all week)! 😉

Cheers – and have fun spreading the singles’ love this LGTOWAQAP DAY!

— Lisa (and Christina)

Josie Speaks Up

In Her Words: I started my blog for several reasons. One, to clarify how I feel about a range of issues, including being a recent (youngish) widow, and how I am surviving – and maybe even thriving- in my new circumstances. I also wanted to be a voice for anyone else out there in similar circumstances.

I have been amazed by the support I’ve received in the blogosphere from other bloggers, followers and readers. It has made me brave enough to reveal the real me and not worry too much that I really don’t fit into anything that resembles “‘normal.” I’ve also enjoyed reading and following other people’s blogs and knowing that we all share some common experiences. So my goals as a blogger are to dare to keep on expressing how I feel, and how I’m coping, or not.

I believe my blog promotes the Onely mindset by acknowledging that it can be tricky and trying being single in our world but also trying to embrace what is great about my world right now. When I first started blogging (I laugh because it wasn’t long ago), Onely was a blog I started following almost immediately, as I thought it offered a fresh, hopeful perspective and visiting there gave me courage to start my own blog while allowing myself to be open and transparent about how I feel.

Why We Love Her: Josie’s perspective is so important to the singles’ blogosphere – her experience as a young widow is not often heard, and yet it represents an experience shared by many. Plus, she’s a wonderful writer and has an adorable dog!

Book of Blue and Planet Waves (by Eric Francis Coppolino)

In His Words: Eric Francis Coppolino, founder and editor of Planet Waves, is a professional astrologer and journalist. A pioneer in the field of new planet discoveries, he has worked with clients and written about astrology for wide audiences since 1995. “The Worlds of Eric Francis,” his first homepage, was one of the first astrology sites on the Internet.

Eric is currently exploring the concept is selfsex so good that it’s worth making it as good as possible. Basically, sexual selfrelating with the realm of a Onely relationship, with emotional vulnerability. I document this in photos; solo, couples, different arrangements of people. There is mirrorgazing alone or with others; and there is masturbation companionship — onely people who get together creating companionship with pleasure sans the intense bond. I have a vision for friends to do this together over a phase of time, taking an m.celibacy journey together. I describe healing processes associated with this mudra, unraveling, setting oneself free. It may be a single article in the first go, for Valentine’s day, and some pictures.

Why We Love Him: Eric brings a much-needed perspective on non-traditional perspectives on sexuality and erotica (especially polyamory and self-love) that we at Onely haven’t discussed. But we think these are pertinent issues to being single and happy (his other blog, Planet Waves,  features other subjects and other authors, too), so we hope you’ll take a look around.

Pink Kisses

In Amy’s and Ellie’s Words: The Pink Kisses girls believe that being in a mediocre relationship is NOT better than being single; in fact, we encourage every girl to spend a stretch of time being purposefully unattached and focus on whatever fulfills her and makes her happy, be it her career, creative pursuits, travel, education, or whatever else leads to her own self-discovery and builds her confidence and self-esteem.  We’re not anti-men or anti-relationships by any means; but we make a point of encouraging girls not to settle for less than they deserve — true contentment in life.  We’re all about dream-chasing, goal-setting and doing the impossible.  In fact, we see all of those things (combined with a dash of adventure) as the very best way to live… and when it comes to past relationships, we believe that moving on is absolutely the best revenge.

Why We Love Them: We usually don’t promote for-profit sites on Onely, but these ladies maintain an amazing (and free) blog that is well-written and empowers women to find ways to shed heteronormative behavior and live happy-and-single lives. Plus, the products they offer (emails, chocolates, text messages, and – my favorite – FREE “burn his photo” e-cards) actually rock.

Hope Leslie Single (if you don’t get the joke, say it out loud!)

In Her Words: Hope Leslie Single is a thirty-five year old freelance writer and blogger living in San Francisco, CA who has been single nine years. She rarely dates, though not by choice. Though her blog, she dissects her thoughts on attraction, dating, love, sex, men, race, (interracial) relationships, and society while exploring the nature of single-hood and learning to fully accept and improve her own life as a single woman. And while the obvious goal of her blog would be to overcome any personal or societal hurdles that may keep her from finding a committed, monogamous relationship with a man, her ultimate goal is to simply be peaceful and content; loving herself fully in order to live happily and healthily – relationship or no relationship.

Why We Love Her: Subtitle Reads: “She’s Single as Hell, and She’s Not Going to Take It Anymore” – what’s not to love about that?

Off the Market and In the Moment

In Her Words: It’s official. I am off the market for a year. Flipped the “switch” to the off position. This cab is not picking up passengers. For those of you still not understanding, this means no trying to find or getting into a relationship for the next 365 days. To clarify, the moral of this year-long mission is two-fold: 1-to break the detrimental relationship habit of trying too hard and subsequently losing myself, and 2-to take a step back so as to keep from looking back. Because when I started thinking about how much time I invest while dating someone, and then analyzing and re-analyzing (and re-analyzing) after the door to our future shuts, and THEN wondering when Cupid would look kindly on me again, I finally realized that I was missing my own moment. So here I am virtually shouting from the no-access rooftop of my walk-up building in the East Village (which is, of course, located next to a porn store): I am a 25-year-old single living in one of the greatest cities in the world!

But more importantly, the focus of the year is to get out of my head and away from my heart long enough to secure the foundation for that fun-loving, confident, doesn’t have a care in the world girl that I lose every time I get what I think I’m looking for.

How does Onely fit in? Well, Onely promotes what I’m in the process of discovering: the pleasures of singledom and finding the joy in every moment, despite your relationship status. I just hope that OTMITM (my blog) will help others realize the same-as well as know they aren’t alone in their journey!

Why We Love Her: We just discovered Off the Market Girl and, although we’ve missed half of the journey (unless, of course, she decides she loves being single so much that she stays that way), we think OTMG’s “experiment” raises awareness (that – duh – singles are happy) but it won’t scare off all those heteronormaholes we can’t quite get through to (I mean, it’s “only” a year, right?).

Singlutionary (She’s Back! And We’re So Excited!)

In Her Words: I am an expert at being single. Oh, I’ve been that single girl who did everything a desperate, horny, lovesick loser does. And I lived to tell about it. Now, I strive to live a happy, healthy, pity-free life and I seek to share my love for single (and desperation free) living with the world. I am also a creator of postcards, realtor, homeowner, graduate student, former actor and a jackass of all trades.

When I began Singlutionary, I was in desperate need of catharsis. I was driven to reconstruct singleness in my life and in my blog from something horrible and lonely and pitiful to something joyful and perfect and whole. At the time, I didn’t have many single friends and the ones I did have were always calling me for sex and dating advice and then asking me why I wasn’t in a relationship. It was fairly awful. The only conversations I had were about single friend’s dating lives and married friend’s marital problems. I was bored and frustrated. But through writing Singlutionary and discovering other wonderful pro-single bloggers, I was able to find a community of people who were single and happy about it — like myself.

Now that I no longer battle any self-doubt in regards to being single, I no longer feel the desperate need to write and so I post less often. Onely does an excellent job of pointing out the political and social stigma that single people face around the world. For my part, I’ll just entertain. I was a miserable single for almost all of my 20s — and so I strive to be the voice that would have comforted me during that time when I felt isolated and alienated and annoyed. I found great comfort and peace in joining this community of thoughtful and engaging singles committed to eliminating singlism and I hope that others will too.

Why We Love Her: She’s funny, articulate, and has been one of our most vocal compatriots in the blogging world. She took a blogging break for a while, but we wanted to feature her here because – look out world – the Singlution is BACK.

Extra Extra — Singles News!

Seeking Happily Ever After (the documentary) is now available on demand and digitally. Check here for more info. Congrats to Michelle Cove!

Has Being Onely Made Me Clueless? March 22, 2010

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Heteronormativity, single and happy, Some Like It Single, Your Responses Requested!.
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Dear readers,

I am afraid that my life as a happy Oneler may have made me oblivious to the signs of chemistry that a “normal” person would generally notice. I’m not talking about overt sexual advances (eww), and I’m not wondering about a first date (easy enough to figure out in the long run). I’m referring, instead, to a close friend (I will call him George here for the sake of privacy) whom I have never thought of as anything “more than” a friend — probably because we were both coupled when we first met several years ago (hey, even though I’m happily single, I’m not immune to checking out attractive single men).

Over the past few years, mutual friends of ours have asked me if I’m interested in George, or they’ll wonder why we haven’t dated. Occasionally — and usually while under the influence — someone will insist that we belong together. But I always brush these comments off as silly heteronormative proclamations; after all, we are the same age and have similar professional interests and are often the only single people running around our common social circles. According to common heteronormative logic, single man + single woman = HELLO, couple!

As you might expect, I resist that logic. But this past weekend, several friends who had never met George, and who had never even met each other, happened to be in town for an academic conference (I will call them Tracy, Jenny, and Dave). On Saturday night, I invited everyone out to a local restaurant. The only local friend who showed up was George, and soon, I noticed, Tracy and Jenny were exchanging meaningful glances. We moved on to a bar downtown for a nightcap and took separate cars (George drove Jenny, and I drove T & D). In the car, Tracy and Dave told me it was obvious: George is “in love” with me. There is “so much chemistry,” they said. I shrugged it off — more heternormative nonsense. But at the bar,  George sat close to me in the booth; our bodies kept making contact, and I kept thinking, this has never happened before, and neither of us are drunk. Maybe my friends are right — but how is it I’ve never noticed?

The conference is over. Not only have my friends left town (cheerful because they think they were right about George), but they have left me with a great deal of confusion: On the one hand, I think that my friends may have just been doing what so many coupled people (each of these friends happen to be married) want to do when confronted with two nice and attractive single people: hook them up! But on the other hand, my friends had never met each other before – they all noticed chemistry right away, without any prompting from me. So this gives me pause. And then I think about George himself, and I think about our friendship: Not only is he smart and funny, but he has always been quietly supportive (he was around but non-intrusive during a particularly dramatic breakup after I first moved to Louisville) and interested in my life. We never run out of things to talk about. And last summer, when I traveled alone to England and Ireland, he happened to be in Ireland at the same time as me, and I traveled with him and his family (mom, brother, and sister) for a few days. He is a genuinely kind person and a good friend, and I wonder all of a sudden why I’ve never “noticed” him, and I wonder if it’s because of Onely, because being coupled is not high on my priority list.

So I’m curious, Copious Readers, not about whether I should “do” anything about this (I’m pretty sure I won’t, for several complicated reasons), but rather, whether or not you think that having a Onely mindset makes you oblivious to possibilities that you may have otherwise entertained as a couple-oriented single adult. Or, alternatively, if you think that my friends are the clueless ones!

— Lisa

photo credit: zazzle

Singles’ Crawl: Laura Dave on Living Single Blog September 25, 2009

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, single and happy, Singles Resource, Some Like It Single.
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Happy National Singles’ Week!!

We’re celebrating with a blog crawl!

Although the myriad views of singlehood expressed by participants in this blog crawl do not necessarily reflect Onely’s specific approach to singles’ advocacy, we are happy for the chance to celebrate Unmarried Single Americans Week by participating in this dialog of diverse voices in the discussion of singles’ rights, single living, and single sundries.

Guess what — we’re nearing the end — it’s Day 6, and we want YOU to visit Living Single, where novelist Laura Dave (The Divorce Party) tells us how she feels about the single life.

(p.s. — don’t forget to come back tomorrow, where Dr. Bella DePaulo has something to say, right here on Onely!)

Singles’ Crawl: Kimberly Dawn Neumann on That Happened to Me September 20, 2009

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, single and happy, Singles Resource, Some Like It Single.
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1 comment so far

Happy National Singles’ Week!!

We’re celebrating with a blog crawl!

Although the myriad views of singlehood expressed by participants in this blog crawl do not necessarily reflect Onely’s specific approach to singles’ advocacy, we are happy for the chance to celebrate Unmarried Single Americans Week by participating in this dialog of diverse voices in the discussion of singles’ rights, single living, and single sundries.

It’s Day 1: Head over to That Happened to Me blog to read what relationship journalist and author Kimberly Dawn Neumann has to say about the single life.


Better than a Pub Crawl: National Singles’ Week Blog Crawl! September 18, 2009

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Some Like It Single.
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Happy National Singles’ Week!!

To celebrate, we’re thrilled to be participating in a first-ever blog crawl! For the next six days, when you hit us here, we’ll redirect you elsewhere (details below). And next Saturday, September 26th, to conclude the crawl, we’ll be hosting Singles-Advocate Extraordinaire, Dr. Bella DePaulo here at Onely!

So, Copious Readers: Pull up a chair, pour a glass of wine, and let’s get our READ on!


Join millions of people as they crawl the web’s most popular blogs for singles, during the first SingleWomenRule.com’s Blog Crawl for National Singles Week. In the virtual world, a blog crawl works like a pub crawl, or museum crawl in the real world; each day, you’ll visit a designated blog to read featured blog posts from our favorite voices in the singles community.

“The Blog Crawl is an excellent example of the strength and connectivity of the online singles community,” said Terry Hernon MacDonald of SingleWomenRule.com.  Hernon MacDonald, author of the e-book, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams, co-founded SingleWomenRule.com last August.

Featured guest bloggers include Dr. Bella DePaulo, notable psychologist and author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After; author of the novel The Divorce Party, Laura Dave; dating/relationship writer and author of The Real Reasons Men Commit, Kimberly Dawn Neumann, writer Simone Grant of Sex, Lies and Dating, dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan of NeverTooLate.biz, and Maryanne Comaroto, author of Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.

“We hand-picked the guest bloggers and host blogs for their tenacious spirit and voice,” said Hernon MacDonald.  “Guiding readers from blog to blog in a crawl helps each blog build their readership, while bringing a fresh perspective and new audience via the guest bloggers, each day.” (more…)

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