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Guest Post: Single in the Cocktail Hour of Life December 31, 2014

Posted by Onely in Dating, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Great Onely Activities, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, Singles Resource.
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Happy 2015 everyone! Christina here. It’s a new year–we’re all one year older and despite what the Clinique “anti-aging” posters at the mall say, another year past is nothing to be afraid, sad, ashamed, or angry about. All of us who have made it this far are privileged. So let’s not say that forty (my age!) is the new thirty. Why do we need to go back to thirty? (When I was thirty I was a poor grad student with a broken toe that had me limping for several months.) Instead, let’s say forty is the new forty! Copious Readers, please welcome Beth Portolese, who taught me that concept:

Onely is happy to have a guest post by Beth Portolese, founder and publisher of FiftyIsTheNewFifty.com, the online magazine targeting people in “The Cocktail Hour of Life.” As always, we note that guest posts may or may not entirely reflect the views of Onely.org (though usually they do).

Over 50, Single and Gratified

Guest post by Beth Portolese

I am a woman in my 50s with no husband and no children. What I do have is a happy and fulfilling life. Regular readers of Onely are probably not surprised by this. Being unmarried and childless (or childfree, depending on your POV) and living happily single is not necessarily an oxymoron, although folks might think so when reading women’s and general interest news magazines or watching television.

I didn’t anticipate winding up this way. When I was a kid I figured I would get married while I was in college and be on my way to having my first child right after I graduated, because that is what magically happened to and for girls at the time.

The reality is that I got married at 33 and never got around to having a child before my marriage slid downhill. Since my divorce, I have had a few relationships, but have spent most of my time single and definitely living solo. And, for the most part, I prefer to live this way.

Why is it that so many people feel that heterosexual men and women who don’t fit the standard mold of being both partnered and parents must be unhappy and lonely? It’s a mystery to me, especially since I’m well aware that you can have a partner and feel quite alone anyway. I have many single friends who feel the same way and we have created an ‘urban family.’ My particular group formed because we all live in Manhattan and worked together at some point resulting in us having gotten to know each other over the years. My brother and a few other siblings were added into our group, which increased its size. We all come together for various events and holidays to support each other, celebrating the good and productive things in our lives.

I recently saw a piece in the news about a gene Chinese scientists believe they have discovered. It’s being called the ‘singleton gene’. Apparently, their research shows that those who have this gene are 20% more likely to be single than others. Hmm, well maybe I have this gene! If so, perhaps the fact that I enjoy not having the responsibility of a relationship is genetic. If genetics enter into it, people might accept that being alone is normal for some people – it seems that when people believe biology = destiny, they feel a lot more comfortable.


Single and Sickness–The Personal Side November 16, 2013

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource.
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1 comment so far

Copious Readers, please don’t forget that we always love to hear from your and encourage guest posts from all our readers (even those who disagree with some of our content). Lately we are trying to explore the issue of singles and sickness.

Today’s contributor is Yolanda, a longtime supporter of Onely and the driving force behind the active and supportive Footloose Femails email group and the new Facebook group Happily Single Women’s Group. She also happens to have many medical problems including chronic pain, chronic fatigue and chronic hunger and thirst 24/7   but she doesn’t let those physical challenges define her. In fact, sometimes she laughs in their faces:

Invisible_Man_by_NogarKhazI’ve got a new boyfriend!! I’ve known him all my life, but we’ve gotten really close since I got sick 16 years ago.

His name is Will Power.

But I heard that he’s got a lot of other women “on the side”, so I’m sure that he’s seeing a lot of YOU out there too.  I don’t know how he does it!!!

I might be unmarried but I honestly believe that Will Power will be someone I’m going to spend a lot of time with!!  He’s probably going to be almost like a husband – sticking with me through thick and thin, in good times and bad. Hopefully he’ll never desert me.


P.S.  After a few hours I’m actually thinking of ditching him!!

He abandoned me as soon as the going got tough. When I was feeling sick & tired he just ran away into another room. And that’s when I needed him most!! Oh well, “in good times and bad times”. Hopefully he won’t abandon me too often!!

Maybe when you’re asked, you can say you have a boyfriend called Will Power too? Saves you having to justify being single.

Thanks, Yolanda, for sharing your thoughts from your unique perspective. I hope one day Will Power will cheat on you with me. (No offense.)  –Christina

Photo credit: NogarKhaz

Single? Blogfest Explains How to Get Screwed 1,000 Times! April 15, 2013

Posted by Onely in As If!, Bad Onely Activities, Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, Marital Status Discrimination, Singled Out, Singles Resource, Take action, Your Responses Requested!.
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Screen Shot 2013-01-15 at 11.43.08 PMMarital Status Discrimination: Today, Onely joins forces with dozens of other bloggers to highlight the problem of Marital Status Discrimination. Why? Because on Tax Day, Uncle Sam picks the pockets of singles at the same time he’s rewarding couples for getting married.

So what? So this: The U.S. government–a democratic government, a government “By the People and For the People” and all that–discriminates against fifty percent of its population: unmarried people. Our federal code alone contains over 1,000 laws where marital status is a factor, and in most cases single people lose out.

Because this phenomenon was a problem with no name, we at Onely christened it “institutionalized” Marital Status Discrimination. In January we made a big slam-dunk stink about it in The Atlantic.

The Million-Dollar Difference: According to our very conservative and basic calculations, a single person earning $80,000/year could easily pay at least a million dollars more over her lifetime than her married counterpart, based on only a few of the most discriminatory laws (such as Income Tax, IRAs, and Social Security).

What’s more, our hypothetical scenarios did not consider state laws, nor the many ways Marital Status Discrimination shows up in corporate policies–such as when singles pay more for all sorts of insurance. These factors could easily push the million-dollar figure higher. Much higher.

But money isn’t everything:  That’s why our government has thoughtfully provided other laws that don’t impact single people’s pocketbooks. These laws instead impact single people’s peace of mind. For example, as we described in 2010 on Psychology Today, an anti-stalking law promises protection to the victim’s spouse. Phew! But a single person being stalked is offered no such additional protection for a loved ones.

Any stalker who does his research (and we imagine this is all of them) would know exactly whom his stalkee loves most. R.I.P. Grandma; if only you had married your grandson maybe there would have been cops by your door when his stalker came calling. . .

The U.S. Government thinks being unmarried means: a life free of connections and cares, and full of discretionary spending. Unfortunately, even if this were true (and we at Onely fervently wish it were), no society is at its best when half its members are treated differently from the other half.

So let’s get started obliterating Marital Status Discrimination! Our first step is to. . uh. . . We will start by. . . ahem. . . Our next move should be. . . um. . .  Well, as you can see, while we at Onely are skilled at pointing out these problems, we aren’t so sure what we should do next.

So, Copious Readers, here’s where we need your help: Now that we’ve gotten the dialog started, what do you think our “next steps” should be? How do you think we should take action (and by “we,” we mean the collective blogosphere standing up for single people everywhere)? What subject matter experts are best positioned to spread the word or propose legislative change? Do you know tax professionals or legislators friendly to our cause? (Or can you convince them to embrace our cause?)

Please share your insights and spread the word: Comment below. Or tweet #UnmarriedEquality and #SinglesBlogfest. Or share this article on Facebook!

If you have more questions about Singles Blogfest, please write to Onely@onely.org or to contact.clue@gmail.com. Huh? Clue? Yes:

The Communication League for Unmarried Equality (CLUE):

We at Onely were not the only ones who instigated this effort. We were honored to have had lots of help from three of the most active voices in the progressive singles’ movement, who jumped on board the Singles Blogfest project with unparalleled enthusiasm and expertise:

Bella DePaulo (Ph.D., Harvard), author of Singled Out and the “Living Single” blog at Psychology Today (belladepaulo@gmail.com)

Eleanore Wells, blogger and author of The Spinsterlicious Life (Eleanore@TheSpinsterliciousLife.com)

Cindy Butler, of Unmarried Equality  (cbutler@unmarried.org)

Thanks Copious Readers, We Love You!

–Christina Campbell and Lisa A. of Onely.org, (pronounced wun-lee), a blog that challenges stereotypes about singles (Onely@onely.org)

Photo Credit: The Atlantic.com

Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It May 22, 2011

Posted by Onely in Academic Alert!, Great Onely Activities, Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys, single and happy, Singles Resource.

Alert! Alert!

We are pleased to point all our Copious Readers to an important new PRO-SINGLES book, Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It, edited by Bella DePaulo. The title says it all – the book demonstrates how singlism seeps into every aspect of our lives (politics, religion, law, pop culture) but remains generally unchallenged in the public sphere. 28 contributors (including DePaulo herself) articulate how readers can define, detect, and ultimately stand up to singlism in everyday life.

We are thrilled about this new collection, and we imagine you will be too. The book is available for immediate purchase via Amazon or this website, and it will be available on Kindle next month. Full press release after the jump: (more…)

Singles: Spread the Love this Valentine’s Day February 12, 2011

Posted by Onely in single and happy, Singles Resource, Some Like It Single.
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To Our Copious Readers,

We’ll be the first to admit it: There is no holiday that we feel less enthused about than Valentine’s Day. As bloggers to the single-and-happy population, we’re pretty sure that our readers feel the same.

And yet, precisely because we represent a population that is targeted and often excluded from the holiday, Christina and I face an annual dilemma: What are we supposed to write when it comes to Valentine’s Day?

Do we write about how we simply don’t care about it? Do we compose a brilliant critique of pop culture that illuminates, once and for all, how the holiday is just an overblown, matrimaniacal attempt to generate money for businesses who could care less about “love”? Or should we just ignore the holiday – since, after all, we could care less about it, and giving it our attention seems only to feed into the nasty heteronormative cycle we work so hard to resist?

We’ve vacillated amongst the “best” possible approaches: In past years, we’ve critiqued couples events, renamed the holiday (LGTOWAQAP Day for short), featured the quintessential anti-valentine, Death Bear, and even polled our readers for what we should do about this small annoyance. But this year, we’ve decided to do something different. We thought: So Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love, right? Who says it has to be romantic, couple-centric love? Why can’t we redefine what we mean by Valentine’s love and instead take this opportunity to “Spread the Love” we feel as bloggers within an ever-expanding and vocal pro-singles movement?

So, in the spirit of “Spreading the Love,” we are featuring six excellent pro-single, pro-happy blogs below that were, until recently, unknown to us. We hope you, our Copious Readers, will not only peruse these blogs with an open mind, but that you’ll also build on our list by promoting your favorite single-and-happy blogs in the comments below, especially if we don’t know about them! Please, also, “Spread the Love” by sharing this post with your friends, family, and strangers (it’ll be up all week)! 😉

Cheers – and have fun spreading the singles’ love this LGTOWAQAP DAY!

— Lisa (and Christina)

Josie Speaks Up

In Her Words: I started my blog for several reasons. One, to clarify how I feel about a range of issues, including being a recent (youngish) widow, and how I am surviving – and maybe even thriving- in my new circumstances. I also wanted to be a voice for anyone else out there in similar circumstances.

I have been amazed by the support I’ve received in the blogosphere from other bloggers, followers and readers. It has made me brave enough to reveal the real me and not worry too much that I really don’t fit into anything that resembles “‘normal.” I’ve also enjoyed reading and following other people’s blogs and knowing that we all share some common experiences. So my goals as a blogger are to dare to keep on expressing how I feel, and how I’m coping, or not.

I believe my blog promotes the Onely mindset by acknowledging that it can be tricky and trying being single in our world but also trying to embrace what is great about my world right now. When I first started blogging (I laugh because it wasn’t long ago), Onely was a blog I started following almost immediately, as I thought it offered a fresh, hopeful perspective and visiting there gave me courage to start my own blog while allowing myself to be open and transparent about how I feel.

Why We Love Her: Josie’s perspective is so important to the singles’ blogosphere – her experience as a young widow is not often heard, and yet it represents an experience shared by many. Plus, she’s a wonderful writer and has an adorable dog!

Book of Blue and Planet Waves (by Eric Francis Coppolino)

In His Words: Eric Francis Coppolino, founder and editor of Planet Waves, is a professional astrologer and journalist. A pioneer in the field of new planet discoveries, he has worked with clients and written about astrology for wide audiences since 1995. “The Worlds of Eric Francis,” his first homepage, was one of the first astrology sites on the Internet.

Eric is currently exploring the concept is selfsex so good that it’s worth making it as good as possible. Basically, sexual selfrelating with the realm of a Onely relationship, with emotional vulnerability. I document this in photos; solo, couples, different arrangements of people. There is mirrorgazing alone or with others; and there is masturbation companionship — onely people who get together creating companionship with pleasure sans the intense bond. I have a vision for friends to do this together over a phase of time, taking an m.celibacy journey together. I describe healing processes associated with this mudra, unraveling, setting oneself free. It may be a single article in the first go, for Valentine’s day, and some pictures.

Why We Love Him: Eric brings a much-needed perspective on non-traditional perspectives on sexuality and erotica (especially polyamory and self-love) that we at Onely haven’t discussed. But we think these are pertinent issues to being single and happy (his other blog, Planet Waves,  features other subjects and other authors, too), so we hope you’ll take a look around.

Pink Kisses

In Amy’s and Ellie’s Words: The Pink Kisses girls believe that being in a mediocre relationship is NOT better than being single; in fact, we encourage every girl to spend a stretch of time being purposefully unattached and focus on whatever fulfills her and makes her happy, be it her career, creative pursuits, travel, education, or whatever else leads to her own self-discovery and builds her confidence and self-esteem.  We’re not anti-men or anti-relationships by any means; but we make a point of encouraging girls not to settle for less than they deserve — true contentment in life.  We’re all about dream-chasing, goal-setting and doing the impossible.  In fact, we see all of those things (combined with a dash of adventure) as the very best way to live… and when it comes to past relationships, we believe that moving on is absolutely the best revenge.

Why We Love Them: We usually don’t promote for-profit sites on Onely, but these ladies maintain an amazing (and free) blog that is well-written and empowers women to find ways to shed heteronormative behavior and live happy-and-single lives. Plus, the products they offer (emails, chocolates, text messages, and – my favorite – FREE “burn his photo” e-cards) actually rock.

Hope Leslie Single (if you don’t get the joke, say it out loud!)

In Her Words: Hope Leslie Single is a thirty-five year old freelance writer and blogger living in San Francisco, CA who has been single nine years. She rarely dates, though not by choice. Though her blog, she dissects her thoughts on attraction, dating, love, sex, men, race, (interracial) relationships, and society while exploring the nature of single-hood and learning to fully accept and improve her own life as a single woman. And while the obvious goal of her blog would be to overcome any personal or societal hurdles that may keep her from finding a committed, monogamous relationship with a man, her ultimate goal is to simply be peaceful and content; loving herself fully in order to live happily and healthily – relationship or no relationship.

Why We Love Her: Subtitle Reads: “She’s Single as Hell, and She’s Not Going to Take It Anymore” – what’s not to love about that?

Off the Market and In the Moment

In Her Words: It’s official. I am off the market for a year. Flipped the “switch” to the off position. This cab is not picking up passengers. For those of you still not understanding, this means no trying to find or getting into a relationship for the next 365 days. To clarify, the moral of this year-long mission is two-fold: 1-to break the detrimental relationship habit of trying too hard and subsequently losing myself, and 2-to take a step back so as to keep from looking back. Because when I started thinking about how much time I invest while dating someone, and then analyzing and re-analyzing (and re-analyzing) after the door to our future shuts, and THEN wondering when Cupid would look kindly on me again, I finally realized that I was missing my own moment. So here I am virtually shouting from the no-access rooftop of my walk-up building in the East Village (which is, of course, located next to a porn store): I am a 25-year-old single living in one of the greatest cities in the world!

But more importantly, the focus of the year is to get out of my head and away from my heart long enough to secure the foundation for that fun-loving, confident, doesn’t have a care in the world girl that I lose every time I get what I think I’m looking for.

How does Onely fit in? Well, Onely promotes what I’m in the process of discovering: the pleasures of singledom and finding the joy in every moment, despite your relationship status. I just hope that OTMITM (my blog) will help others realize the same-as well as know they aren’t alone in their journey!

Why We Love Her: We just discovered Off the Market Girl and, although we’ve missed half of the journey (unless, of course, she decides she loves being single so much that she stays that way), we think OTMG’s “experiment” raises awareness (that – duh – singles are happy) but it won’t scare off all those heteronormaholes we can’t quite get through to (I mean, it’s “only” a year, right?).

Singlutionary (She’s Back! And We’re So Excited!)

In Her Words: I am an expert at being single. Oh, I’ve been that single girl who did everything a desperate, horny, lovesick loser does. And I lived to tell about it. Now, I strive to live a happy, healthy, pity-free life and I seek to share my love for single (and desperation free) living with the world. I am also a creator of postcards, realtor, homeowner, graduate student, former actor and a jackass of all trades.

When I began Singlutionary, I was in desperate need of catharsis. I was driven to reconstruct singleness in my life and in my blog from something horrible and lonely and pitiful to something joyful and perfect and whole. At the time, I didn’t have many single friends and the ones I did have were always calling me for sex and dating advice and then asking me why I wasn’t in a relationship. It was fairly awful. The only conversations I had were about single friend’s dating lives and married friend’s marital problems. I was bored and frustrated. But through writing Singlutionary and discovering other wonderful pro-single bloggers, I was able to find a community of people who were single and happy about it — like myself.

Now that I no longer battle any self-doubt in regards to being single, I no longer feel the desperate need to write and so I post less often. Onely does an excellent job of pointing out the political and social stigma that single people face around the world. For my part, I’ll just entertain. I was a miserable single for almost all of my 20s — and so I strive to be the voice that would have comforted me during that time when I felt isolated and alienated and annoyed. I found great comfort and peace in joining this community of thoughtful and engaging singles committed to eliminating singlism and I hope that others will too.

Why We Love Her: She’s funny, articulate, and has been one of our most vocal compatriots in the blogging world. She took a blogging break for a while, but we wanted to feature her here because – look out world – the Singlution is BACK.

Extra Extra — Singles News!

Seeking Happily Ever After (the documentary) is now available on demand and digitally. Check here for more info. Congrats to Michelle Cove!

Great News for Single Americans! (but you wouldn’t know it if you listened to the news) February 6, 2011

Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, Singled Out, Singles Resource, We like. . ..
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To the delight of LGBTQS (that stands for lesbian-gay-bi-trans-queer-single) advocates everywhere, federal regulations now require that hospitals must grant all patients, no matter their marital, sexual or religious status, the right to define who they count as “family.”

Thanks to President Obama, the Code of Federal Regulations 42 CFR 482.13(h) and 42 CFR 485(f) requires that all hospitals in the U.S.:

(1) inform each patient of his or her right to receive visitors whom he or she designates, including a domestic partner, (2) do not restrict or limit visitation rights based on sexual orientation and gender identity, among other factors and (3) ensure that all visitors have full and equal visitation rights, consistent with a patient’s wishes. (– Human Rights Campaign)

Whoo hoo! Great news for singles, right? We certainly think so — but you wouldn’t know it if you relied on the media to explain. According to most reports I read, the major stakeholders are lesbian and gay couples. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but … ummm … what about lesbian and gay singles? Or … ahem … what about all singles (asexual, heterosexual, polyamorous, widowed, divorced, whatever).

Singlist media strikes again! Because it completely ignores the remarkably equalizing ramifications – for all Americans – of this new law, it upholds the couple-centric, heteronormative bias that all LGBTQS folk are trying to overcome. So you can see what I mean, let’s examine the following report posted on ABC’s news site shortly after the regulations came into effect: (more…)

Film Review: Seeking Happily Ever After November 9, 2010

Posted by Onely in film review, Singles Resource, We like. . ..
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Seeking Happily Ever After: One Generation’s Struggle to Redefine the Fairy Tale.  Directed and Produced by Michelle Cove; Produced by Kerry David. 2010.

“I keep seeing parts of the movie in my head,” said my friend Monica at dinner, after we saw Seeking Happily Ever After at its DC screening. This is usually the sign of either a very inspiring movie, or a very disturbing one. Seeking Happily Ever After deftly manages to be both.  I hope our Copious Readers get a chance to check it out. If you don’t live near a screening, maybe you can arrange one in your area.

For the award-winning documentary, director Michelle Cove and producer Kerry David didn’t so much “interview” various single women (mostly heterosexual, but including at least two lesbians) as she let them talk–if and why they like their single lives, what “happily ever after” means to them, what their pasts were like and what their hopes are now.  My favorite was the thirty-something woman who said she could imagine herself being perfectly happy as an older single woman with white hair down to her butt, turquoise jewelery, and a bunch of cats milling around at her feet as she sipped a martini with girlfriends (I may be combining one or more interviews, but you get the idea).  The film is full of such gems.

But, like life, it’s also full of nails-on-chalkboard moments of awkwardness and horror. Cove and David don’t whitewash the world of single women. (more…)

Day Seven (Finale!): National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 25, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.
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1 comment so far

So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Lisa and Christina both spent some time reframing personal goals so we don’t get overwhelmed or needlessly critical of ourselves. We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the seventh and FINAL stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Dr. Bella DePaulo of Living Single on Psychology Today posts on the Alternatives to Marriage Project!

Thanks to Single Women Rule for organizing the crawl, and to sponsors Cheek’d and Luscious Lifestyle for supporting it!

— Lisa and Christina

Day Six: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 24, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.
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1 comment so far

So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Christina nominated a narrative post about single living for Creative Nonfiction’s blog post contest; you can nominate your favorite posts too (check out our blog roll for lots of great narrative posts by singles’ advocates–deadline is September 27th). And Lisa shared her delicious spicy coconut corn chowder – which she normally eats all by herself – with a friend.

We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the sixth stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Melissa Malamut, author, She’s Got Game, The Woman’s Guide to Loving Sports (Or Just How To Fake It) posts on Dating Diva Daily!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

Day Five: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 23, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource.
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So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Lisa pursued her dreams of academia by researching solutions to a major theoretical conundrum. Christina honored her body by lunching on tofu and colllard greens (and dining on popcorn). We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the fifth stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Michelle Cove, author of Seeking Happily Ever After, Navigating the Ups and Downs of Being Single Without Losing Your Mind (and Finding Lasting Love Along the Way) posts on The Single Filez!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

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