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The Wife Date December 9, 2012

Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Dating, Heteronormativity.
Tags: , , ,

As our Copious Readers know (but as we often have to clarify to our not-so-Copious Readers and Friends), Christina and I are not against coupling per se. We’re against the privileges associated with coupling, especially when they are unequal to the privileges provided for singles.

Why am I giving you this caveat? Because I went on a date recently. And I didn’t want anyone to think that, by going on a date, I was not being Onely. We believe it’s possible to be Onely and have a love life too.

That being said, I have something to say about the date, which I am heretofore nicknaming The Wife Date. Perhaps by the nickname you can guess how I felt about it. But in case you can’t, let me explain:

Have you ever gone on a date where the conversation consisted of a series of generic questions, rather than from finding mutual experiences or interests in common?

Have you ever gone on a date where the date asked you outright, “What do you look for in a man?” And after you awkwardly make up some generic criteria on the spot (ummm, a penis?), did he then tell you – without you asking – what he looks for in a woman? How did you feel about that?

Have you ever gone on a date where you felt like you were being measured against your date’s mental Checklist?

Have you ever realized, in the middle of the date, that because you are open to being asked a lot of generic questions, and because you will answer them honestly, and because you are generally a cool person with a lot of interesting things to say and stories to tell, you are inadvertently meeting your date’s Checklist and making him very happy?

Have you ever had the feeling that you were just out to have a good time, and your date was out to find a wife?

Have you ever worried that after only one date, your date has you tagged as “The One”?


That happened to me. I just turned down Date #2. Because – god forbid – he might have proposed!

And because we never deviated from the Checklist, I didn’t get the chance to tell him about Onely.

— Lisa
photo credit


1. Sarah - December 9, 2012

I can totally relate, Lisa! I haven’t gone on a date in a few years but the whole checklist mentality is why I stopped doing online dating. Because let’s face it, with only a picture and an awkward, self-conscious profile description, what else could it be? I know many people who’ve had great success with online dating but to me, it just feels artificial.

2. chrisamies - December 10, 2012

Me too – online dating feels increasingly like being on a ‘date’ set up by well-meaning friends – but I find that if I ask myself ‘how would being with this person improve my life?’ time and again I don’t think it would. I prefer to let it happen organically – I have enough of a social life after all. A friend of a friend did get remarried via online dating but only, says our mutual friend, because he knew exactly what he was looking for (a wife, I suspect, which brings us back to the article above)

Onely - January 1, 2013

I know a number of people who met online, and as Sarah says it is a checklist mentality. . . but in that case I sort of like the checklist. It gives me a sense of control, which is probably artificial but oh well. I know I did Eharmony back many years ago, and that site is very geared towards marriage, so I left it pretty quick. CC

3. SK - December 10, 2012

My ex actually said to me “I think you’d make a good wife” early on in our dating history. Although it left me with a bad feeling at the time, I was fairly young and too naive to understand that he was simply looking for “a wife” regardless of compatibility. Needless to say we broke up several years later after a very manipulative and controlling relationship. It angered him that he couldn’t get me to fit into the role he had all planned out in his head. Bleh…

Years later, I’m now in a healthy, compatible relationship with mutual respect and genuine friendship. Much better. And no we did not meet online… That always feels like picking someone out of a vending machine for some reason.

Onely - January 1, 2013

Vending machine! I love it! C

4. Trauma Queen - December 22, 2012

Checklists are scarily common in countries where arranged marriages are the norm. And even those who are not looking to get married seem to think it is ok to checklist date.

Onely - January 1, 2013

I wonder if people ever checklist their platonic friends. I don’t think I do that, but maybe I do. I will have to observe myself and see… CC

5. Kay - January 17, 2013

This seems to happen to me a lot. The guys always lose me during the date when they start measuring my child bearing hips and telling me how amazing our 20 children will be if they take after me!

6. confessionsofaserialdaterinla - August 12, 2013

I have been on plenty of those kinds of dates. It so funny how some men try to make it seem like it is always the women who is pressed for marriage. IN recent dating years I have certainly come across that guy. It’s like get rid of the damn checklist and authentic for a change!!! LOL!

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