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Secret Lives of the Happily Single–Bathroom Edition October 16, 2021

Welcome to our latest episode of SLOTHS: Secret Lives of the Happily Single. Trigger Warning: rancid pee. 

We all know the trope of the slovenly bachelor. And we’ve all seen single women with pets stereotyped as unhygienic cat ladies (I’ll see your stereotype–and raise you one automatic litter box with high-tech non-tracking crystal litter). Although single people aren’t inherently messier than non-singles, Onely has been known to revel in our secret sloppy habits that we can only get away with because we have the privilege of living alone (acknowledging that now all single people have this ability). Sometimes, though, the reverse happens: we revel in being able to keep our places spic-and-span, with everything in its place and no rancid pee pooling in bathroom nooks. 

Let me explain. My friend Marnie was admiring the new floor of my hall bathroom, made of those pebble tiles that give you a foot massage in the shower. True, this bathroom has no shower, but I didn’t see why get a foot massage while washing my hands at the sink. Marnie apparently had the same idea, because her eyes lit up when she saw the floor. 

“I want to get this for our bathroom,” she said. Then she paused. “How is it to clean?”

Whereupon I had to admit that I didn’t know, seeing as I never cleaned it. 

“I don’t think I could get this floor,” she said, and her head dropped slightly. She explained that she needed absolutely flat tiles that could be wiped easily, because her husband was a rather. . . indiscriminate urinator. As an example, she told me how their bathroom had mysteriously smelled of perpetual pee odor, and neither she nor the monthly cleaning people had been able to eliminate it nor find the source of the smell–until the toilet needed repair and the tank was removed, to reveal ancient moldy pee spots where the base of the tank had rested on the toilet. 

I know that it’s not always easy to appreciate the joys of being single (and living alone) in a couple’s world. So if you ever have those moments when you wish you had a partner who pees standing up, I invite you to remember Marni’s rancid pee story. And if someone asks you, “Why are you still single?” I also invite you to tell them Marni’s rancid pee story. 

–Christina  

Image credit: Curology