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What’s Wrong With Wanting to be Unsingle? October 22, 2009

At the moment, I don’t want to be in a couple. I have weighed the pros and cons of being single as they relate to my current economic, geolocational, social, personal, and physical situations, and I’ve decided that (my perceived) pros of being single outweigh the cons. So I don’t particularly care to pursue a committed romantic ever-after partnership (CREAP) right now.

My friend doesn’t want to be single. She has weighed the pros and cons of being single as they relate to her current situation, and she has decided that (her perceived) cons of being single outweigh the pros. Does this mean that she “can’t be alone” and ought to cultivate that ability? If so, then wouldn’t it be equally (in)accurate to say that *I* “can’t be in a couple” and ought to cultivate that ability?

Should we respect people who *don’t want to* be single–even if they bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship? Isn’t it their choice? Aren’t they choosing what, to them, is the less painful path? To me, being in a bad or so-so relationship is worse than being single, but to them, being single may be worse than being in a bad relationship. Can we categorically say that one choice is better than the other?

In this day, age, and world, being unsingle or “seeking” to become unsingle is the status quo, the accepted denominator, the commonly understood goal, praised as an accomplishment–all in all, it’s probably the easy road (until your wife starts beating you or your husband cheats). Maybe we tend to disrespect people who “want someone” (ie., don’t want to be single) because it seems as if they’re taking the easy way out. But do we really understand their reasons for trying to change their status, in the same way that they often don’t seem to understand our reasons for being satisfied singles?

If someone wants to become unsingle (and they haven’t met someone in particular), I think it’s important for them to articulate to themselves *why* they want a (unspecified) partner. Because it seems easier? Because they think they’ll feel more fulfilled? Less bored? Safer? More able to provide for their children? Or because it seems “the thing to do”?

And even if their reasons seem stupid to us, can we say with moral impugnity that they’re misguided? I’m sure my reasons for currently preferring singlehood–I like to sleep with the light on; I don’t want people around when I’m sick; my hobbies take up all my time–seem stupid to some people.

Also, I have a certain idea in my head about what hang gliding is like. I’ve seen movies of hanggliding, and it looks exhilarating and silent and swooshy.  (Bear with me; I’m getting to a point here.) I want to go hang gliding because–because it seems as if it would add something to my life, give me some good memories, and make me feel good.  Realistically, it might also break my bank account and every bone in my body, but I’m not thinking about that–I still want to go hang gliding.

Is this how my unhappily single friend’s yearning for a CREAP similar to my yearning for hang gliding? If so, who’s to say which one is better?

Copious Readers, do your friends have good, specific, or interesting reasons for wanting to become unsingle? Should we judge them? (Oh yes, it’s fun to judge them, but should we?)

–Christina

Note: In this post I’m talking specifically about pursuing a CREAP  for the sake of having a CREAP. If I or my friend were to stumble across Mr. Apparently Perfectly Right, then we would probably at the very least have to reevaluate our pros and cons. Also, I know that the acronym seems somewhat charged to the negative, but it’s a handy acronym, and also I think a little negative charging in this couple-crazed world won’t hurt anything.

P.S. Thanks to The Truth About Mating for getting me thinking about this topic.