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OMG, I’m One of THEM. February 6, 2010

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single.
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Copious Readers, after a year and a half of blogging about positive singlehood and of punditing for singles’ rights, I have gone over to the dark side. I have two new men in my life. No, that’s not the dark part. We here at Onely are not against love, dating, or relationships. We are, however, against obnoxiousness. And I’m obnoxious.

I spend all my non-work hours with Alvin or Theo. Several times in the last week I’ve postponed phone calls to friends and family so that I could hang out with, cook for, or cuddle with a new flame. I’m sleep deprived because we stay up too late laughing and talking. When people do call to find out where I’ve been, I barely ask about their lives, but instead I blather on and on about how handsome Theo is or how smart and funny Alvin seems. I send emails with no message, but maxed out with photo attachments, many of which look kind of the same. Instead of doing my Arabic homework or writing my Adequate American Novel, I crawl around on my hands and knees looking for the boys’ balls.

Alvin and Theo are both a lot shorter than I am, but I’m pretty progressive about that kind of thing. And I loooove their back hair. Alvin is adventurous and brings out my wild side, but Theo is more shy and has a chronic worried look on his face that makes me want to comfort him. I’m lucky I don’t have to choose between them, because they seem to enjoy sharing my lap.

Oh, my poor matchmaking coworkers, who don’t have kittens to help them ride out the Stormageddon. I will try to comfort and support them on Monday:

“Oh, you’re kittenless? Aww. That’s too bad. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find some one day.”

“So, why is a great person like you still kittenless?”

“What, you say you’re happy with your dog? What are you, some kind of freak?” (Special shout-out to Lisa.)

“Hey, so you’re kittenless, right? I know this great calico who just happens to need a person!”

Copious Readers, can you forgive me?


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