“So why are you still single?” August 6, 2008
Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity.Tags: good intentions, pathologization of singles, sickness, single, singlehood
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People usually intend to be helpful and friendly when they ask:
“You’re so (complimentary adjective); so why are you still single?”
As if singlehood were a gross, drippy nose that could and should be cured by a swallow of Sudafed.
Being single is a sickness no one would possibly tolerate if they could help it–or at least, that’s the implication when someone says, “You’re so attractive/interesting/smart/funny/nice; so why are you still single?
(I’ve included a list of laudatory adjectives here, but usually “attractive” is the most commonly inserted, and usually it refers to physical appearance. Implication: if I am disfigured in a terrible car accident, I won’t be expected to find someone who would want to partner with me. But that’s an issue for a whole different blog.)
I met a nice, interesting guy who hit me with this (ostensibly well-meaning) question during one of our phone conversations. I felt as if he had judged my life and found an inadequacy I’d never noticed–the way I might feel when someone says, “You’re wearing that?”
I cancelled our coffee date and never called him again. Extreme? Maybe. Defensive? Perhaps a little. Probably other things about him bothered me, too. But all I remember is that one question, and the feeling of a switch clicking over in my heart.
Anyone have experiences with goodhearted people asking, “So why are you still single?”
–CC
Onely.Org 
Lesson learnt: if you ever want to approach Christina about her singlehood, open the sentence with “You’re so grotesque…”
Remember how we poked fun of the spiked interest resulted from my posting a picture on my Match account temporarily for the Labor Day Weekend, the “Labor Day Special” as I coined it, some years ago? In all fairness though, my first reaction to a few Match dates was “This meeting wouldn’t have happened had I seen a picture of him first!”. And I wonder if Kylor would have sung “Lisa’s in lust” if Mr. muscle had less muscle:) I rejected Mr. Army because he weren’t cultural enough for me and I did not feel bad about “judging” him as much as I try not to judge people. Did you ever reject a guy because you weren’t attracted to him? If yes, was he being judged by Miss Christina by any measure?
It’s not too clear to me though which one bothers you more? Being judged or being asked why still single?
[…] that we want to get back to, but first, the most recent one, posted by Cynthia in response to this post written by Christina (I’ve cut to the final portion of the comment, btw, because it seemed the most relevant): […]
Every time someone asks me that question I’m half tempted to reply with a line a read in a novel recently… that the reason I’m still single is because I haven’t met a guy who turns me on half as much as a steamy novel. It’s definitely a conversation stopper. 🙂
In truth, the reason I’m still single is because I’ve been that way for so long now, that it’s habit and I kinda like my own company. And when I do give in and decide I’d like to date again, then hearing about the dating craziness other single women are going through like over at Morgan Delaney’s site, SingleSisterhood.com makes me determined to hold out for someone really special.