Onely.Org

Lisa’s Perspective: Onely by Chance or by Choice? August 27, 2008

Christina posted a thought-provoking question last night: Are you/we/I Onely by Chance or by Choice? Here’s my response:

I suppose that, initially, I became Onely by chance. About a year and a half ago, a major (six-year) relationship ended which, as they say, “broke my heart.” My response? Flee the city! Seriously. I was teaching at the time, so I finished the semester, packed all my things and put them in storage, and drove from St. Louis to California all by myself (unless you count my dog, Kitty, which I do thank you very much). That trip (and the trip from California to Louisville, where I began Ph.D. work about a year ago) truly changed my mindset. I didn’t know how to be single and happy (nor did I think I wanted to be), really, until I started planning that journey. And then, driving and exploring the West alone (and the aloneness was key) was so tremendously satisfying – in a way I hadn’t known was possible – that I started thinking, maybe this is what I want. Maybe I could live like this… Wow — and that was a very new concept for sure.

It took a while, of course, to really get to where I’m at now. When I moved to L’ville (as they say here), I started dating someone right away and the relationship lasted for about six months before I realized that I truly wanted to be alone. Not because he wasn’t a good guy or that he wasn’t “right” for me (whatever that means), but because I just wanted to be alone. I couldn’t explain it, really. I’ve dated occasionally, off and on, since then, but even though I’ve met some really interesting people, my heart just isn’t in it. Because I do love being alone, I love making my own choices, and exploring the city and the country (hopefully some other countries eventually!) on my own.

Obviously writing this blog with Christina has helped me articulate my thinking on this in the last two months, and the more I think-write-read about it, I have to say that I definitely prefer being Onely. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

— L