Funny Friday: Please Don’t Promise Me Forever August 21, 2009
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, As If!, Dating, Food for Thought.Tags: cheesy hallmark card, Laura Kipnis, please don't promise me forever, rotating corpse, single hallmark
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Welcome to the first intallment of our new Funny Friday series. Today we are looking at a 1976 Hallmark booklet, “Please Don’t Promise Me Forever“. The Rotating Corpse discovered and posted this gem, which explains how to have a happy relationship by following a series of directives beginning with “Please don’t. . .” Rotating Corpse commenters seem divided on whether the text of the booklet is dickish or loving. I think either way it’s hilarious. What do our Copious Readers think?
The booklet shows a series of pictures of a couple wearing vests, elaborately knotted scarves, or poofy sleeves. The blond woman and mustachioed man are shot in various states of fun couple activities, such as wading in a stream, playing Monopoly, and staring soulfully over the side of a bridge, as if looking for their Pooh Sticks. Some of the advice is actually quite sensible. But mostly the reader–after she stops laughing–comes away feeling as if the pair has a somewhat sickly, passive-aggressive love. Some key lines in the text are:
Please don’t promise me forever./ I want us to love each other one day at a time / Instead of trying too hard and promising too much.
Granted, as Laura Kipnis argues in Against Love, why should we pursue relationships if they are admittedly “work”? Yes, living in the moment is fine, but not when used as an excuse for neglecting a relationship, which it is in this booklet, as evidenced by these next quotes:
Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand. But it will only be because of the weather/or the flu/or one of my moods
Such as my “I am a dick” mood?
Sometimes I may not remember one special day, because all our days are special to me
What? You’re mad because I forgot one day? But I think all our days are special. How can you be mad at me when I value the relationship even more than you?
Please don’t ever / give me too much of yourself / or take too much of me. / In our togetherness / we still need our private places.
Maintaining one’s individuality is a great concept. But “private places in togetherness” conjures up images I would rather not have of these two individuals.
Please don’t ever / sign a letter ‘as ever’
Can anyone tell me what relationship rule that violates?
As ever,
Christina
Onely.Org 
Ugh…Frank Zappa’s daughter did a song called Valley Girl, this was years ago, and the lyric relevant to this Hallmark booklet goes like this: Gag me with a spoon. I much prefer the current series of cards starring the lovely, cigarette smoking, coffee and wine swilling Madge, some of whose priceless commentary are:Men are always whining about how we’re suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow. Or my personal favorite: Live your life in such a way that when that when your feet hit the floor in the morning…Satan shudders and says: Oh Shit, she’s awake! I like this humore stuff.
Yeah, Linda, where do I get those cards? I’m with you.
My current favorite which I bought just for me, because who will I send it to? is: Thanks for the party. I honestly thought I was invited.
Those cards made me laugh, thanks. = ) CC
If you haven’t already, you may also be interested in checking out SomeEcards.com for some really dry one-liners!
I’m with you on this Hallmark booklet. I hate stuff that condones inconsiderate behavior.
Hallmark= dumbchills.
loyal builders
Funny Friday: Please Dont Promise Me Forever | Onely: Single and Happy