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The Promised Butt-Post March 18, 2010

Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought.
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Yay, it’s so good to be writing again! I have missed Onely and our little blogger community! In my last post I promised to write about butts, and now I am. But I have to be careful how I tag this post, in order to avoid creating the kind of accidental pornography that has warped our Most Popular Posts lists, for example: “Hard Core Oneler: Dick Proenneke” and “Animal Sex.”

But this post isn’t about sexy airbrushed porn butts. It’s about my butt, and no amount of airbrushing will get the lumps out of these cheeks. Why? Because my butt has been getting shots of antibiotics. Thick cold serum. From needles the size of cocktail straws.  Administered slow as molasses to mitigate the pain of pressurized tissues.  Every third day. But the problem is (no, we still haven’t gotten to the problem yet) I cannot give these shots to myself, and sometimes the third day falls on a weekend when the doctor’s office is closed.

Before beginning the treatment, my doctor asked me, “Do you have a friend you can ask to give you the shots?” My question to you, Copious Readers, is do you have a friend whom you could ask to give you shots in the butt? Because my answer to the doctor was, “Hell no I don’t have any friend I can ask to give me a shot in the butt!

I’m not sure whether I meant, “Hell no; I’m not close enough to any of my friends for that”, or “Hell no, I love my friends but wouldn’t trust them not to sever a nerve or burst an artery”, or “Hell no, I’m not showing my stretch marks to anyone who hasn’t had Gross Anatomy 101”.  But in any case, the result was the same: I had to scrounge around to figure out how to get my weekend shots.

“Sometimes,” said the doctor’s office manager Maura (short for Mauron), “Our patients who don’t have anyone can find an Urgent Care facility that will administer the shot for them.” Oh no, I thought, I don’t have anyone.

If I had a significant other, I would be expected to ask him to give me the shot, and he would be expected to give it. Gladly. With no embarrassment or hem-hawing. Regardless of how solid, or not solid, the relationship might be in daily life. But in any other relationship the request “Please can you stick this needle in my heinie?” would be fraught with overtones–do I expect my friend to come to my house? Do I go to their house? Do they feel comfortable punching a needle through my skin and tissue? Seeing my stretch marks? My stretched-out undies? No, no, no, no, and no.

Turns out, my mom came to visit and administered my first weekend injection, making sure to stab me right where I’d asked the doctor to draw with a sharpie: X marks the spot and, subsequently, the golfball-sized lump of liquid and tissue. Moms are on tap for dirty work even more than significant others. But my mom returned to Michigan and I, because I don’t have anyone, found an Urgent Care facility to give me my other weekend shots. Problem solved? Well, mostly, except every now and then I worry who I will call if I fall and break my face.

Still, despite the occasional inconvenience, I like being single. I’m not going to cultivate a relationship just so I can have a shot buddy, just as I won’t install a sprinkler system on the off chance that my house will catch fire. Or something.

–Christina

photo credit: Steven Depolo

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Comments»

1. iol.... - March 19, 2010

Sorry Christina – will you be having to get the injections for much longer?

I give myself daily “injections” but it’s with something that’s not quite a normal “needle” …. and I give it to myself on my butt but it’s easy to get to if I twist my body around and don’t aim for the middle but closer to my hip!!

Onely - March 29, 2010

Thanks Iol–
Not for sure how long this song and dance will go on. I tried to do it myself but I just couldn’t. I used to do some other shots myself in the thigh, but these new needles are too big for my psyche to handle, apparently. = )
CC

2. Lauri - March 19, 2010

Well I would call my friends for that, just because about half of them are in one medical field or another.

But this reminds me of the recent 30 Rock where Liz plans to get dental work done on valentines day so she doesn’t have to deal with all the couple-mania, only to be told that she has to have someone drive her home after the procedure. I really identified with that episode!

Onely - March 29, 2010

I loved that episode! I was going to post about it but then I thought it would be too complicated to explain the plot nuances.
CC

3. Alan - March 19, 2010

Should have asked if you could give yourself the injections in the leg. Most hospitals don’t inject into the buttocks anymore, too much risk of hitting a nerve.

Being single does seem to involve a fair amount of improvisation, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Onely - March 29, 2010

I did, but as I said to Iol I can’t mentally handle the size of the needle. I think the trick is to find some really mindnumbing sitcom and do it in front of that.
CC

4. autonomous - March 19, 2010

I loved that 30-Rock!
Sorry about your injection challenge Christina….what about offering to cook dinner, let friend inject you, then crack open the wine? Or do Jello Shots…? It would make for great anecdotes later, anyway!
I am reminded again of an old posting wherein we discussed whether being coupled guarantees that we don’t die alone. Similar premise to assume an S.O. would automatically be counted upon to perform butt-injections, etc.. My first thought was to call my best best girlfriend or my sister before my S.O. to do this for me. Maybe I’d give him one shot at it (sorry, couldn’t resist) and then call my friend if the man-hands are better suited to working on motorcycles.

Onely - March 29, 2010

Of course, what if you had a spouse who was a total clutz? I saw a youtube video where someone’s boyfriend explains with great savoire-faire how he injects his girlfriend’s butt (yeah yeah insert your joke here = ) ) so I was imagining all significant others like that. But of course most of them probably not know how hard to jab it in, or how slow to go, etc. I am really trying not to make this comment sound like porn but it’s not working.
CC

5. Contented Single - March 19, 2010

When I’m sick, I think I’d do anything to feel better.

I don’t care who would inject my butt, I’d just prefer it was someone with medical training so that it doesn’t hurt too much.

I don’t care who sees my butt either. We’ve all got one. It’s like going to the Korean Baths which I sometimes do in Sydney. I only have two friends who will go with as you have to be stark naked. To me it’s freeing. When you see all those naked bodies around you, you just get used to nudity. We’re all different, but all the same. And whether the woman around me have stretch marks, cellulite or whatever as I do, it’s just human, and you soon stop thinking about it. I would not say I’m a nudist though, that’s taking things a bit far. But it is good just to feel okay about stripping off at the gym or wherever, without having to try and hide behind a towel.

Christina, ever done he public bath thing? I also find it a good singular activity when you just need to chill out.

Onely - March 29, 2010

NO NO NO I will never do the public baths. My friend CP has tried to get me to go to Naked Spa, and it’s NOT going to happen. I am a Prude. Can’t be helped.
CC

6. nicole - March 19, 2010

hee hee — good post!

Onely - March 29, 2010

Thanks Nicole!!

7. Matt - March 20, 2010

Aww… sorry to hear about your butt shots! Maybe the doctor expected you to pay a homeless man $5 an injection to do it =) I’d probably try to do it myself and rip my butt off. I’d also be willing to do that for a friend if there was no one else to do it. Hope you feel better…

Onely - March 29, 2010

Thanks Matt-your comment cracked me up. CC

8. Trauma Queen - March 26, 2010

why are you getting butt shots anywya?? hope you’re better now

if the doc asked me the question, I think I would have thought of my ma first! You’re right about moms…they just don’t get grossed out ever.

Onely - March 29, 2010

Long boring story–but actually, my mom DOES get grossed out. Just not by blood. She gets grossed out by peanut butter and complains all the time about the hours and hours she spent making me and my sis PBJs. = )
CC

9. If I Die Young and Freakishly « Onely: Single and Happy - December 23, 2010

[…] to cluck regretfully at my clumsiness, I also don’t want them to pass judgment on my bare behind. My body is tough and miraculous, and I loved every one of those Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, […]


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