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Secret Lives of the Happily Single: Red Meat Edition June 15, 2011

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy.
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Welcome to the latest installment in our series Secret Lives of the Happily Single (SLOTHS), where we both stereotype and celebrate the delectably gross habits you can enjoy if you live alone and/or don’t have a “partner”. 

Vegetarians might not want to read below the fold.

Recently I cooked a madness-free beef roast in the oven (using the oven is a big step for me, so feel free to offer congratulations). When I took it out, it smelled divine and my mouth watered. I dumped the chunk of meat–about the size of a large burrito–onto a plate and began opening drawers looking for a steak knife. I wanted to cut the roast into smooth, delicately drooping slices that would accentuate my broccoli. But I didn’t seem to have a steak knife. I did, however, have a bread knife–which I assumed would work just as well, because don’t they both have serrated edges?

As I sawed the hunk of meat in half with the breadknife, the roast flailed like a grounded fish and I almost sliced my fingers. Meanwhile the drool was pooling behind my lips. “Well the heck with this,” I thought, smacking the errant bread knife on the counter.

I wrapped my fingers around one half of the roast–it barely fit in my fist–and lifted it to my mouth and bit into it whole. Ahhhhh! Protein! My teeth, not being serrated, didn’t completely slice the mouthful away from the mother hunk, so I had to twist and turn my head in order to dislodge my bite. Raaaaarrrr!!  I stood over my laminate counter and chewed with delight. I took another bite and again tore it free with my powerful jaws. Raaaarrr! If someone had walked by, I would have growled at them. Back off my kill!

The juices that had looked deep brown in the pan now looked pale pink and bloody as they dripped from the chunk of meat hanging out of my mouth, though my fingers and onto the plate (and the easily stained laminate counter). With each bite I felt stronger. Raaaaarrrr! 

After about half the fistful of meat was gone (or pooling on the counter), I came to my senses. I sliced the remaining roast with the bread knife, with care. I would like to blame my desperate gnawing on my recurring case of iron-deficiency anemia, but the truth is I was just hungry and impatient and comfortable in the fact that no one would see me acting like a wild animal.

Even if I were sharing kitchen space with a very close and understanding loved one, I probably would have thought twice before going all Wild Kingdom with my meal. I would have wanted to spare them the sight of blood trails running down my chin, the grunts and lip smacks.

Copious Readers, if you live alone, what eating habits would you self-censor if you were sharing space with someone else?


Photo credit: Prescott


1. Alan - June 15, 2011

I’m not sure this is a good idea for an installment. I fear that it feeds into stereotypes about singles, that they’re sloppy and careless and hedonistic.

Onely - June 17, 2011

Yup! Which is why I tried to acknowledge that up at the very top. However, I would argue that is my behavior necessarily sloppy and hedonistic? Or simply an unfairly underappreciated way of being, which is why I have that shame about showing it to others?

Alan - June 18, 2011

I guess it could depend upon how you look at it, haven’t really thought about that.

Alan - June 18, 2011

But I still wonder about how it would be perceived by the general public (perceptions being an interest of mine).

2. mbowes80 - June 15, 2011

Gross! As a vegetarian, I’m a bit offended! My dinner last night was one no partner would probably ever tolerate… a cold piece of bread with a cold piece of cheese and some mustard on top. I also ate it while sitting in a lounge chair, watching TV, in an undershirt. Classy…

i0l - June 15, 2011

Sorry Christina, but I would do exactly the same as I do now……… the only thing is that I wouldn’t have the CD player going on in the background because I’d be talking to the others.

I don’t like eating in front of the TV ’cause then * sounds dorky * but your brain doesn’t register that you’ve eaten and you end up eating more or feeling empty….. that’s why I’m a stickler for doing the right thing while I eat ….. I don’t want to overeat etc…..


Onely - June 17, 2011

Hmmmm… I wonder if eating in front of the computer is less brain-sucking than in front of a TV? What you think? = )


3. Scott - June 15, 2011

When you eat warm pie with ice cream, there’s always a sloppy mess of crumbs, pie filling, and melted ice cream left on the plate at the end that can’t really be scooped up. But, it can be licked up! Ummmmm….. best part!

4. josie - June 15, 2011

I’m a reformed meat-eater because I’m opposed to the way we farm and transport animals etc. . . I was drooling, I miss my steak, but I digress. I’ll cook a big pot of something, eg vegetarian lasagne and eat it every day for a week. Maybe longer when I intersperse it with stuff from the freezer but if I don’t have to cook I’ll happily eat the same thing over and over and over.
Oh, and Scott’s right, licking the plate is the best bit- I always check my curtains are closed. . .
Josie x

5. Spinsterlicious - June 15, 2011

I slurped up the last noodle with my mouth to the plate, rather than using the fork. It was fun.

-The Spinsterlicious Life

6. Onely - June 15, 2011

Oh gross Christina! You know I’m a vegetarian, right? I’m inclined to agree with Alan, so I will just say that I am a dignified and refined eater, at least in front of my dog….

Love your co-blogger, 🙂 L

7. Karen - June 16, 2011

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love it! though I will admit, I have done much the same while dating someone, in front of said someone, and a number of friends… though I wasn’t alone – another friend was also regressing into animalistic behavior. What can I say – we were “camping” and all starving waiting for the meat to cook, so it was highly entertaining. And when said someone I was dating tried to join in on the fun, he sounded more like a pup than a wild beast – it was adorable!

Onely - June 17, 2011

Yes, my question is, how come we can get away with that kind of stuff in a campground, but not in our own kitchens?

8. Susan - June 16, 2011

Mmmm….tasty! My single person eating habit involves a carton of Hagen Daas and a spoon. Not original, but very tasty.

9. mbowes80 - July 18, 2011

The other day for dinner I ate a cold cheese sandwich while lying on my bed in nothing but my boxers, staring at the ceiling. If only Norman Rockwell could’ve been there to capture the moment…

10. denise - July 21, 2011

The best thing to eat by yourself is a burrito. That way when the rice falls out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about! You can enjoy it 100%

11. GroundCherry - July 31, 2011

Fantastic. I, when eating alone, have been known to eat a pint of blueberries and a spoonful of peanut butter for supper. The joys of eating alone of that you can eat preceisely what you want!

12. M - September 16, 2011

I know married people that do this when their spouses are out of town.

I do hope you can self-administer the heimlich so you don’t choke on your meat. That can be dangerous. LOL.

I eat sloppy sandwiches and things that come in cans.

I do know how to eat in public. Just so you know…

13. Laura - September 30, 2011

I eat out of the frying pan and then put the pan in the refrigerator instead of washing it. I cook my meat in it again the next night. No washing dishes for me!

Onely - October 7, 2011

Well done, well done. = )

14. Secret Lives of the Happily Single–Bathroom Edition | Onely.Org - October 16, 2021

[…] Although single people aren’t inherently messier than non-singles, Onely has been known to revel in our secret sloppy habits that we can only get away with because we have the privilege of living […]

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