Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys — Plan B January 16, 2010
Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: one-night stands, plan b, single women, singlism in the media, we are single and happy
16 comments
So I was lazily watching TV a few evenings ago and saw a commercial that I have seen many times before – this Plan B commercial:
I’m not sure how long this commercial has been out, but it’s been out long enough for me to have had several competing reactions to it (for those of you outside of the U.S. who don’t know what Plan B is, just watch the video). Here is a brief trajectory of my thinking (which prompted this post): (more…)
Kiss This! (And Happy New Year) December 31, 2009
Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Food for Thought.Tags: new year's eve single, new year's kiss, new year's traditions, single during new years
8 comments
(Jacopo Werther)
What are you doing for New Year’s? What are your resolutions (if any)? What are your traditions? What are your traditional resolutions? (Mine is, “I will write an hour every day.” I make this resolution every year, and every year I break it by January 7.)
One NYE tradition that needs to go far, far away is the idea of kissing someone at the stroke of midnight. I’m not saying we shouldn’t kiss people at 12 a.m. on the first day of the New Year. We just needn’t get all mystical about it, as if kissing someone during the first second of 2010 is somehow more romantic or meaningful than kissing someone during the 3,845th second of the year. More importantly, if we don’t have anyone to kiss, we shouldn’t get all worried. Nonetheless, every year millions of people fret about having someone to snog on this one night. Some settle for less-than-savory dates just so that they can ring in the new year with a kiss. Why?
Because the NYE kiss tradition plays directly into the prevailing myth that a romantic coupling marks the beginning of a new (improved, grown-up) life. The NYE kiss requirement says a new life (the new year) should start with a romantic coupling. Because “relationships” are intended to last for forever, the NYE kiss is seen as “lasting” too–that is, setting the tone for the entire year. (This same optic, where one particular moment is seen as representative of an entire timepan, occurs in panicked discussions about single people “dying alone”.)
I postulate that this paradigm has come to overshadow the good things about the NYE kiss–joy, celebration, spontaneity. Instead, we now have the Desperation Kiss. You’ve seen it. Go to almost any large New Year’s Eve gathering and at about 11:55 (or earlier!) you’ll notice the crowd clumping up into groups of two. Yes, many of these are pairs of people who are either “together” or who genuinely like each other. But too many of them are succumbing to the dynamic I experienced several New Year’s Eves ago on board my fancy-dress Jimmy Buffett Cruise (insert your oxymoron joke here). All names have been changed to protect the idiotic: (more…)
What Do You Do for the Holidays? Onely Wants to Know! December 23, 2009
Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: charlie brown rocks, holidays, single christmas, single in the Bay Area, solo celebrations
20 comments
So here I am, typing this post while lying on an uncomfortable air mattress in a claustrophobic book-lined bedroom in my parents’ tiny townhouse near San Jose, California. I’ve listened to my parents bickering and complaints – and contributed my own – since I arrived last Thursday (with a notable exception over the weekend, when I stayed overnight in San Fran with my older brother, and today, which I spent in a coffeeshop drafting a short article that’s due January 1st). I’ve visited the ocean; eaten some delicious clam chowder and fish tacos; visited Pacifica to see if I could witness California’s coast disappearing (watch the video — I saw it from a distance!); toured San Francisco’s Academy of Sciences and Conservatory of Flowers for the first time; enjoyed some amazing South Indian food at Dosa to celebrate my mom’s birthday; and visited Yosemite National Park. I have two brothers, but I’m the only one who arrives from out of town and who actually stays with my parents for a prolonged amount of time — so I find myself simultaneously spoiled shitless and driven crazy.
Happy Holidays, Copious Readers! Welcome to a version of what I consider pretty “normal” every late December. I love it as much as I hate it — I experience as much discomfort as I do pleasure being here during the holidays, some of it certainly emerging from my enjoyment of being single, independent, and living far away from my family. Perhaps most importantly, being here makes me fully appreciate the temporary nature of this season — I always feel refreshed when I return to “normalcy,” my happily single habits and life.
Please, tell us what you love and hate about being Onely during the holidays – is it better or worse to live near family? What are the benefits and disadvantages of being single at this time of year? Do your parents, or other family members, question your singleness – or do they leave you alone, and why? Do you find you have less “alone” time — and/or what happens when you demand it, as I must? Or do you forego family visits altogether and enjoy the holidays alone, or on an adventure, or with friends?
Also up for discussion is whether the infamous Charlie Brown-with-Christmas tree image, pictured above, is sad, singlist, and/or superb! 🙂
I’m looking forward to hearing your opinions and stories… And in the meantime, I hope everyone is enjoying a safe and happy holiday season!!
— Lisa
Singlism? Feminism? What Gives? (Part Two) December 15, 2009
Posted by Onely in Academic Alert!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: gender and sexuality, history of sexuality, michel foucault, sexuality and feminism, singles' sexuality, we're queer
19 comments
In my last post, I wanted to highlight how the pro-singles movement, in targeting and attracting women as its main audience and voice(s), risks inadvertently framing itself as gender-exclusive. This potential problem, in turn, runs against our feminist goals of countering dominant and oppressive ways of thinking and being. It should be clear, from this and other posts, that we hope to solicit more male voices into our conversations and advocacy work. While both Christina’s perspective and my own will necessarily be limited by our positions as women, we are also committed to our feminist perspectives, which motivate us to read against the (heteronormative) grain and to hopefully recognize and articulate the limitations of our positions.
But I’ve been noticing another limitation that see
ms to have fueled some of the debate — and misunderstandings — about why men seem less prevalent in the pro-singles blogosphere: In many of our conversations about gender (at least here at Onely and in our cross-posts at Quirkyalone), it seems to me that when we talk about the relationships between men and women (or lack thereof), we are assuming that these “men” and “women” we speak of are heterosexual. And if we assume that, then we aren’t doing much to forward our feminist goals, either.
Making this assumption is easy to do, especially when one (such as myself) identifies as heterosexual. (more…)
Singlism? Feminism? What gives? (Part One) December 12, 2009
Posted by Onely in Academic Alert!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, quirkyalone, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: feminism, gender, rosie the riveter rocks!, single men, singlism
15 comments
A few days ago, Christina examined the surprisingly singlist and sexist publicity blurbs for two seemingly pro-single books. She notes that the blurbs “[remind] us of how tightly anti-feminism is woven into anti-singlehood rhetoric.” And it’s true: Onely is grounded, at its heart, in feminist values and beliefs specifically because of this connection.
As we explain on our “About Onely” page, we see the fight against singlism as a feminist project in the sense that we question the oppressive perspective that normalizes a particular (sexual-social) practice — coupling — at the expense of those who remain single. We believe that the same sexist (and heteronormative) perspective that fails to value multiple gender and sexual identities also fails to recognize those of us who prefer living alone to coupling.
But another thing strikes me as equally interesting about this linkage: I wonder if it’s a mere coincidence that Rosie the Riveter’s message above could apply as much to women as it could to singles. (more…)
Onely is “Between Boyfriends” December 8, 2009
Posted by Onely in Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Reviews.Tags: between boyfriends, cindy chupak, jen scheff
10 comments
Kindle has thousands of books of essays and other nonfiction available for free sampling. During one twenty-minute highly randomized browsing session, I came upon two interesting examples of singles-bashing, which I have posted below for your reading pleasure. I mention them not in order to b&tch and moan (although that’s always fun too), but rather for two other reasons:
1) The fact that I so easily stumbled upon them shows how common hurtful stereotypes of single people (“singlism”) are in our everyday culture.
2) Reputable publishers printed these blurbs. Erego even widely read, highly educated, lawsuit-leery people either don’t realize they are being discriminatory, or they don’t think it matters. When someone neglects to question discriminatory or disparaging remarks about a subject, it’s often because they take it for granted that the subject is inherently undesirable. Proper usage: “It sucks that you’re sick” or “It sucks that you’re a Nazi”. Improper usage: “It sucks that you’re single”.
Discussion questions:
A) Which of these blurbs below reminds us of how tightly anti-feminism is woven into anti-singlehood rhetoric? Why?
B) Which of these blurbs has multiple personality disorder? Why? (Dec 18 Edit: Fangirl points out–and I agree–that I shouldn’t trivialize MPD by applying it to a book blurb. Readers, feel free to suggest other less lazy adjectives to describe this book blurb!)
So without further ado, here are the blurbs I stumbled across while Kindling. Actually, here’s just a little bit of ado–I want to say that I haven’t actually read either of these books, and I give kudos to both Chupak and Schefft for writing about single women. My beef is with whoever wrote these Kindle blurbs, which may or may not accurately portray the sentiments of the authors:
Chupak, Cindy. The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays. St Martin’s.
There are two things Cindy Chupak really knows about. The first is how to be funny. . . The other thing she really knows about is, well, being ‘between boyfriends.’ You might identify this condition as being ‘single,’ but ‘between boyfriends’ has a much more positive feel, don’t you think? In this witty, truthful, and utterly charming book, Chupak unites her two fields of expertise to provide a handbook for those of us who might find ourselves in this temporary condition. . .
Schefft, Jen. Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling. Harper Collins.
Let’s be honest. No woman really wants to be alone for the rest of her life. But does being alone mean you’re doomed to be miserable forever? Definitely not! And does being single have to equal lonely? No way! You can have the best time of your life when you’re single, but you wouldn’t know that from our relationship obsessed society. . . Don’t become a statistic–love yourself and never settle!
Jen Schefft knows that better than almost anyone. [She won The Bachelor, then they broke up, then she turned down a chance to be The Bachelorette.] She was labelled a “spinster” by a celebrity magazine, and a noted national talk-show host remarked that she would be a “bachelorette for the rest of her life.” This is a terrible message to send to send to the millions of sensational single women out there, and in [her book] Schefft makes it her mission to let women know that it’s better to be single than to be in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. . . this book tells you how to let go of your fear of being alone. . . Schefft helps you navigate the pressures of a culture that places an unhealthy importance on being in an relationship. . . being single is a time to have fun, to learn new things, grow, and blossom–not a time to feel desperate or depressed, so cherish it!
Discussion Question Answers (according to Onely):
A) Which of these blurbs reminds us of how tightly anti-feminism is woven into anti-singlehood rhetoric? Why?
Answer: “Between Boyfriends” sounds more positive than “Single”? Really? To me it sounds something between “kinky” and “claustrophobic”. People should not be judged by their dating status, but if we must label someone–a woman in particular– let’s use “single” because at least it doesn’t frame her life in relationship to a man (even a non-existent one). There’s been too much of that going on for hundreds–or thousands–of years already. Let’s move on into the 21st century.
B) Which of these blurbs has multiple personality disorder? Why?
Answer:
No woman really wants to be alone for the rest of her life! . . . This is a terrible message to send to the millions of sensational single women out there.
‘ Nuff said.
Copious Readers, how would you answer the discussion questions? Have you read either of these books? Are they more progressive than the blurbs portray them to be? Or are they–and I hope this is not the case–still more examples of the classic “bait and switch” technique used by faux singles advocates: Here’s how to live a great single life, so that you can become unsingle!?
–Christina
Co-opcrisy? November 16, 2009
Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Great Onely Activities.Tags: cooperative living, single living, tysons corner farm
5 comments
I was thinking the other day. (Sometimes I feel as if my brain is a rental car alarm going off and I can’t find the right button to turn it off.) During my thinking, I realized that I may be a Onely hypocrite, at least partially. Lisa and I do a lot of advocating on this site for “new paradigms” of social structure that go beyond (isolated) couples and nuclear families. Yet when I had a chance to live for myself in a community that practiced a unique and apparently enlightened form of group living, I turned it down. Am I not as progressive as I make myself out to be? Or am I just not a team player?
My friend J worked on a coop organic farm that had a small community of twenty of so single-family houses (my memory is hazy) lining a curved street with no cars because everyone parked in a small lot down at the bottom of a gentle hill. There was a community center in one of the houses, with a common kitchen. J and I ate there once–a delicious eggplant stirfry with ingredients grown in the fields just outside the door. Just beyond those fields was Tyson’s Corner, the most congested, commercial area in all of northern Virginia, which is already pretty astoundingly congested and plastic. But you’d never know that, sitting in the coop kitchen, with crickets chirping under the porch outside.
Residents didn’t have to cook in the common kitchen, but they could if they wanted to. On a big white board a calendar drawn with multicolored markers and without rulers showed the dinner schedule. Most residents cooked a meal for the entire community once every couple weeks. Again, not required, but I noticed that the calendar had a variety of names on it, many of the days were assigned.
There were houses for sale in the community. I was in the market for a house. But I decided not to buy one on the farm. Why? I was afraid of the common kitchen. No, not of germs. Not of community wooden spoons or coughing children. No, I was afraid of cooperation and calendars. The thought of even preparing a just huge pot of soup and several baguettes of garlic bread for a large group horrified me. The weight of the grocery bags! The math involved to extrapolate a recipe for six! Making sure there were enough plates! Finding all the spoons! AAAAAAAA! As some of the very kind residents showed me around, I wondered, but did not ask, if I would be branded a rebel if I *never* ate in the community kitchen, in order to avoid ever having to reciprocate by making a meal for everyone else. I looked at the separate calendar for the den cleaning schedule and had the same feeling of suffocation. What if Tuesday came around but I didn’t feel like vaccuming the TV room? What if on Saturday I was on the hook to cook chicken and dumplings but my own tummy just wanted toast and guacamole?
I just couldn’t do it.
I love my current townhouse. I do wonder sometimes (not often) whether I would have benefitted from having that community around me. Where I live now, the neighbors barely see each other, and I know very few of them. Of note, the farm community consisted of mostly couples with children. Would that have been a great environment for me–a casual environment to get to know neighbors and laugh at the children’s antics before going home to my quiet house? Or would it have been just a smaller, tighter version of our big heteronormative world? I don’t know, because I couldn’t get past my fear of scheduling. For the most part, I think I was right to listen to my shivering gut. But if everyone were as cooperation-averse as I turned out to be, how could we ever manage to produce new, fairer, and inventive ways of interacting with each other besides coupling up?
Copious Readers, have you had experiences with co-ops?
–Christina
Shared Email Addresses: Convenient or Claustrophobic? November 9, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought.Tags: couple communication, marriage myth, shared email address, single and independent
11 comments
I have some friends who share an email address with their spouse. I also have some friends who keep their own email address after they get married. I don’t see any big ideological, political, cultural, or background differences between these two groups. So why do some people merge their accounts when they tie the knot?
Full disclosure: my parents share an email address. This is convenient when I want to announce my Christmas Wish List to both of them. It’s claustrophobic when I want to scheme with my dad about what to get for my mom, or vice versa.
I think in general I’m going to have to come out against shared email accounts. If one of my girlfriends has been complaining to me on the phone about her husband, I have to make sure I don’t reference our conversation in an email to her because he might open it instead. Claustrophobic. The merging of accounts is also an uncomfortable metaphor for the merging of lives. Sharing an email account is Total Openness. Her contacts become his contacts; his messages become hers. Nowhere does real life present such total fungibility in a relationship, except in our culture ‘s mythology of marriage as being totally open, a complete sharing. This myth sets all couples up for disappointment and frustration, and sharing an email account just reinforces that myth that two people can become one.
Copious Readership, what are the plusses and minuses of sharing email addresses? Have you ever shared an email address with a sig-other? Do you know people who do?
–Christina
How to Pop the Progressive Bubble? October 29, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought.Tags: 107.3 wash FM, complacency, singles stereotypes
12 comments
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Sometimes Lisa and I become complacent. We begin to think that maybe singlism isn’t so pervasive and prevalent. We stop doing as many blog entries. We forget why we started Onely in the first place. This fault is yours, Copious Readers! Because the vast majority of our commenters are so forward-thinking about singles’ issues, Lisa and I begin–mostly unconsciously–to think that by extension all of the blogosphere, and all of the world, must also contain a high percentage of people who think being single is fine, maybe even desirable. We begin to believe that most people recognize the privilege gap created by the institution of marriage and would change it if given the opportunity.
Last Thursday morning 107.3 Wash FM’s Jack Diamond Morning show smacked me back to reality. I can’t remember the details or find a direct link to the show (yes, this is how most of my anecdotes start!), but I remember driving into work with my mouth hanging open as the broadcaster talked about a single friend of his who needs a girlfriend. The speaker laid out several stereotypes one after the other, including mentions of his friend sitting home alone because the bar scene is yucky and sad. These images were dropped casually into the conversation as if instead of discussion points, they were inalienable facts: obviously it’s better to be at home with someone that at home alone, and obviously if you’re single the only place to go is to the bar to drink your sorrows away with other single people drinking their sorrows away. Upon hearing this, I realized afresh how insidious singlism is, how awash with almost-invisible and seldom-articulated presumptions.
I called up Lisa that morning to remind her that Onely is a bubble of positive singles’ energy and advocacy–perhaps too bubbly. Even though we do our share of griping, the fact that so many commenters share our gripes and provide support and suggestions for dealing with singlism lulls us into a false sense of security.
How can we pop this bubble? How can we integrate more into the wider (and less singles-friendly) world? I have a couple ideas: I’d like to interview some people who might have radically different social views from Onely, like a conservative Christian preacher, or (as the makers of Seeking Happily Ever After did) the hostess of a sexist reality show. I also want to start blogging more in our “Take Action” series, which flags opportunities for us and our readers to educate community leaders about singles’ issues. I might provide addresses and form letters for re-educating (this word makes me feel very Cultural Revolutionish but oh well) politicians, companies, advertisers, and moviemakers (Ahem, Slum Dog) who present offensive material.
Copious Readership, do you feel bubbled and if so, what are your ideas for bursting out?
–Christina
What’s Wrong With Wanting to be Unsingle? October 22, 2009
Posted by Onely in Dating, Food for Thought.Tags: hate being single, like being single, reasons for wanting soulmate
15 comments
My friend doesn’t want to be single. She has weighed the pros and cons of being single as they relate to her current situation, and she has decided that (her perceived) cons of being single outweigh the pros. Does this mean that she “can’t be alone” and ought to cultivate that ability? If so, then wouldn’t it be equally (in)accurate to say that *I* “can’t be in a couple” and ought to cultivate that ability?
Should we respect people who *don’t want to* be single–even if they bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship? Isn’t it their choice? Aren’t they choosing what, to them, is the less painful path? To me, being in a bad or so-so relationship is worse than being single, but to them, being single may be worse than being in a bad relationship. Can we categorically say that one choice is better than the other?
In this day, age, and world, being unsingle or “seeking” to become unsingle is the status quo, the accepted denominator, the commonly understood goal, praised as an accomplishment–all in all, it’s probably the easy road (until your wife starts beating you or your husband cheats). Maybe we tend to disrespect people who “want someone” (ie., don’t want to be single) because it seems as if they’re taking the easy way out. But do we really understand their reasons for trying to change their status, in the same way that they often don’t seem to understand our reasons for being satisfied singles?
If someone wants to become unsingle (and they haven’t met someone in particular), I think it’s important for them to articulate to themselves *why* they want a (unspecified) partner. Because it seems easier? Because they think they’ll feel more fulfilled? Less bored? Safer? More able to provide for their children? Or because it seems “the thing to do”?
And even if their reasons seem stupid to us, can we say with moral impugnity that they’re misguided? I’m sure my reasons for currently preferring singlehood–I like to sleep with the light on; I don’t want people around when I’m sick; my hobbies take up all my time–seem stupid to some people.
Also, I have a certain idea in my head about what hang gliding is like. I’ve seen movies of hanggliding, and it looks exhilarating and silent and swooshy. (Bear with me; I’m getting to a point here.) I want to go hang gliding because–because it seems as if it would add something to my life, give me some good memories, and make me feel good. Realistically, it might also break my bank account and every bone in my body, but I’m not thinking about that–I still want to go hang gliding.
Is this how my unhappily single friend’s yearning for a CREAP similar to my yearning for hang gliding? If so, who’s to say which one is better?
Copious Readers, do your friends have good, specific, or interesting reasons for wanting to become unsingle? Should we judge them? (Oh yes, it’s fun to judge them, but should we?)
–Christina
Note: In this post I’m talking specifically about pursuing a CREAP for the sake of having a CREAP. If I or my friend were to stumble across Mr. Apparently Perfectly Right, then we would probably at the very least have to reevaluate our pros and cons. Also, I know that the acronym seems somewhat charged to the negative, but it’s a handy acronym, and also I think a little negative charging in this couple-crazed world won’t hurt anything.
P.S. Thanks to The Truth About Mating for getting me thinking about this topic.
Onely.Org 