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Day Six: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 24, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.
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So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Christina nominated a narrative post about single living for Creative Nonfiction’s blog post contest; you can nominate your favorite posts too (check out our blog roll for lots of great narrative posts by singles’ advocates–deadline is September 27th). And Lisa shared her delicious spicy coconut corn chowder – which she normally eats all by herself – with a friend.

We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the sixth stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Melissa Malamut, author, She’s Got Game, The Woman’s Guide to Loving Sports (Or Just How To Fake It) posts on Dating Diva Daily!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

Day Five: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 23, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource.
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So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Lisa pursued her dreams of academia by researching solutions to a major theoretical conundrum. Christina honored her body by lunching on tofu and colllard greens (and dining on popcorn). We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the fifth stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Michelle Cove, author of Seeking Happily Ever After, Navigating the Ups and Downs of Being Single Without Losing Your Mind (and Finding Lasting Love Along the Way) posts on The Single Filez!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

Day Four: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 22, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.
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So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? We discovered some new pro-singles blogs that we’ll be bringing to your attention over the next couple of weeks. We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the fourth stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Christina and Lisa of Onely (hey, that’s us!) post on Bella DePaulo’s Living Single series on Psychology Today!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

Day Three: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 21, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.
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So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Lisa went trail running for the first time with a group of strangers she connected with through Meetup. Christina posted a link to the Alternatives to Marriage Project on her Facebook page and wished all her friends happy Singles week. We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the third stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Rachel Buddeberg of Rachel’s Musings posts on All Things Single by Dr. Bella DePaulo!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

Day Two: National Unmarried and Single Americans Week September 20, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.
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So what did you do today to celebrate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week? Christina wrote about the “Family” and Medical Leave Act for change.org, and Lisa enjoyed a nine-mile trek in the woods with a good friend. We’re sure you’re up to similar good things and we want to hear about it — so please let us know in the comments below!

We hope you’ll visit the second stop on the second annual Blog Crawl for NUSA Week: Melissa Braverman of Single Gal in the City posts on Cupid’s Pulse!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

— Lisa and Christina

Happy National Unmarried and Single Americans Week! September 19, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, single and happy, Singles Resource.
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Copious Readers, it’s that time again — time to celebrate our single status with National Unmarried and Single Americans Week! We at Onely would like to know what you’re doing to celebrate (and if you’re not American, we want you to celebrate too) — so please let us know what you’re doing to make this week special in the comments below!

Although we’re sure you’re busy with other celebratory activities, we hope you’ll also make some time to follow the second annual Blog Crawl for National Unmarried and Single Americans Week, sponsored by SingleWomenRule. We’ve been graciously invited to participate as writers-for-a-day on Bella DePaulo’s Psychology Today Living Single Blog (look for us there 9/22) — and we’re delighted to be a part of what promises to be a very exciting conversation!

In the meantime, be sure to hit the first stop on our crawl: Nicky Grist, executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project posts on SingleWomenRule!

We’ll be linking to our fellow singles-savvy bloggers throughout the week. Check back here for the latest links.

(full press release after the jump)

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Marital Privilege and the Law: Onely Guest-Posts at Living Single June 29, 2010

Posted by Onely in Guest Posts, Singled Out.
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Interested in how, exactly, marital privilege is embedded the in U.S. federal law? We were too: Check out our guest posts over at Bella DePaulo’s blog on Psychology Today, Living Single — here are the links: Part I and Part II.

Extra special thanks to Bella for hosting us! We’re truly flattered 🙂

— Lisa and Christina

Guest Post: A Pill for Oneliness? May 17, 2010

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Guest Posts.
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Onely likes to post guest pieces by other writers who think about singles’ issues. The views expressed in our guest posts may or may not reflect Onely’s views, but we are always interested to hear from other singles advocates. Today’s post is by our loyal reader Steve, who asks a very intriguing question:
Several years ago, I read an editorial that compared the happiness level of people based on their gender, age, and marital status.  The study had a couple surprises:  the happiest group, it was reported, might surprise some people: unmarried women in their 40s.  The unhappiest group: unmarried men in their 30s.  As a 33 year old never married man, I wonder if there is something to this study.  A few months ago, a series of stressful events, combined with my own feelings of despair over what I hadn’t accomplished in life, led to a “nervous breakdown” of sorts.  When I then started having panic attacks, I knew I needed help.  I went to my doctor and was given anti-depressant medication.
Within a few weeks, I started feeling grounded in a way I hadn’t felt in an extremely long time.  “Why couldn’t I have felt like this when I was younger?” I wondered.  I also noticed something else: for the first time, I didn’t feel really bad over the fact that I was still single.  While I haven’t felt like this every day since I started taking the medication four months ago, I have certainly noticed a shift in my attitude.
Helen Fisher, an evolutionary anthropologist at Rutgers University, thinks there might be something to the idea that anti-depressants might actually suppress feelings of romantic love.  You can read more about it here from Wired magazine back from February 2009:
http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/02/antidepressants/
I have to ask myself: is it worth the trade-off?  For married couples, these issues can raise all sorts of relationship problems, but for a “chronically single” man such as myself, I actually think it’s a pretty good deal to lose some of these feelings in exchange for greater happiness.  What do you think?

–Steve

Photo credit: ClawzCTR

Dear Quirkyalone: The Laws of Chemistry December 7, 2009

Posted by Onely in Guest Posts, quirkyalone.
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“Dear Quirkyalone: Advice for QuirkyLiving” is a guest column by Lisa and Christina (crossposted at Quirkyalone). When you’re making up your own road map for (quirky)living, you need thoughtful advice. We’re here for you. Quirkyalone and Onely welcome your questions; send them on to onely AT onely.org.

I have gone out on 4 dates with a guy.  We have a great time together, but I’m not feeling any chemistry.  Is chemistry always an instant feeling or can it come along later? –Aimee

Hi Aimee,

Thanks for your classic question. A key tenet of Quirkyalones (or Quirkytogethers!) is that we enjoy spending time on our own, and so we won’t commit to any romantic relationship unless our partner really makes us go, “Wow!”  Not as in, “Wow, I can’t believe how long his nose hair grows,” but rather, “Wow, how did I get so lucky to meet and connect with this person who makes me all tingly and goofy?”  For Quirkyalones, chemistry is a must–but what is it, and how do we recognize it?

Like all classic questions, this one is difficult and has no clear answer, except for maybe “It  all depends,” which I won’t say because that’s the world’s most annoying response (albeit always the truest). So let me break “It all depends” down into some arbitrary specifics for you. I believe that there are approximately three kinds of “chemistry”:

Type 1 Chemistry: Slam-click at first sight.

Type 2 Chemistry: Slam-click after a series of interactions, where you recognize attractive aspects of the person that were not apparent at first sight, and respond to them emotionally or physically.

Type 3 Chemistry: Intermittent giddy feeling that stems from recollections of and references to a long history together and which could not be provided by a recent love interest (think of a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary walking on the beach hand in hand).  We will not discuss Type 3 in this post.

In your situation, it’s not a bad thing that you didn’t immediately feel the SLAM-CLICK of Type 1 Chemistry. However, I think that four dates is probably enough time to start SLAM-CLICKing in the style of Type 2, where you discover that your date has a great laugh and a fascinating knowledge of 18th century Czech watercolors, and you can barely keep your hands off him whenever he tells a Tuvia Beeri anecdote. If this doesn’t happen, then you might have made a new friend, but not a Chemical friend. If you really want to click with your date, but you don’t feel the Chemistry, try giving him chances to generate that connection. For example, if you admire artistic men but the last time he touched an easel was with fingerpaints, don’t just assume he can’t match your interest. Ask him to a paint-your-own-pottery studio and see how he engages with the project. He may surprise you!

I would be more concerned if you said you had instant chemistry from the very second you first bumped into each other at the gallery. This Type 1 Chemistry is fun, but you should take it with a grain of salt. Here’s why: it’s hard to tell the difference between a real connection and a connection manufactured by your brain’s subconscious reaction to the other person’s smell, look, voice, and mannerisms. For example, you exchange hellos with Steve and immediately like him. A lot. What are you basing your opinion on? Your subconscious brain carries a plethora of data it uses to make sense of the world, which it then feeds to your reasoning mind. To give a simplistic example: Steve’s nose might resemble the nose of a beloved aunt who died when you were four years old. Your subconscious remembers your aunt’s face and tells your thinking mind, “A nose like this once belonged to a nice person who gave me cookies,” but the message garbles in translation to your conscious, which hears, “Steve has a nice nose–I can’t wait to eat his cookies.” SLAM-CLICK. It’s a powerful illusion. Enjoy it, but don’t expect it to inevitably carry over into Type 2 Chemistry, which is what you want if you’re aiming for a long term relationship.

If any readers out there *are* feeling Type 1 Chemistry, don’t panic. It might be for real! Test it: Try to articulate why you are drawn to this person. List certain attributes that appeal to you, rather than “She makes me feel all giddy, full stop.” For example,  “She makes me feel giddy because she can untangle a Gordian knot,” bodes well. “She makes me feel giddy because of something about her,” might also bode well, but it could just as easily bode badly. It all depends.

–Christina

Pioneering Singles’ Advocate Dr. Bella DePaulo BlogCrawls onto Onely! September 26, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, Singled Out.
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Happy Last Day of National Singles’ Week!!

final Singled Out TP coverYes, it’s the end of Unmarried and Single Americans Week, but don’t be sad! We’re going out with a bang! Today singles’ advocate extraordinaire Dr. Bella DePaulo relates some personal watershed moments when she realized she didn’t have to find a “Sex and Everything Else Partner” if she didn’t feel like it. One reason Onely hearts Bella is because she has coined some fabulous terms to describe the lopsided treatment of singles in society, including singlism (discrimination and prejudice against single people), matrimania (the myth of marriage as a cure for personal and social ills), and the much underused SEEPie.

How I Discovered that Living Single Was My True Happily Ever After

by Bella DePaulo

In seventh grade, on a break from class, best friends Maureen and Linda took turns walking slowly and deliberately, hands clasped at their waists. They were practicing the walk down the aisle. They also compared notes on their wedding dresses, the bridesmaids’ dresses, and who those bridesmaids would be. No, they were not getting married at age 12 – they were just fantasizing.

Even as a 7th grader, I found this strange. I just didn’t see the appeal of planning, or even thinking about a wedding. Turns out, I never would.

I have always lived single, and never yearned to live any other way. For a long time, though, I was puzzled by the disconnect between the way I liked to live, and the kind of life so many others seemed to wish for, and expected me to wish for, too.

I tried out several solutions to this. I had a bug hypothesis for a while – marriage was a bug, and I just hadn’t caught it yet. Eventually, it would get me. (Looking back, I’m now bemused that I did believe in a disease model all along – but the disease was marriage, not singlehood.) Then I tried out the long-distance version of the longing – maybe I’d like it if I had a long-distance relationship. That way, I could have my time and space to myself all week, and have a partner for the weekends. I thought about it, but I never felt it.

I don’t think there was a specific moment when I realized: I LIKE living single. This is who I am. It is not going to change.

To get to that point, I think I had to understand a bigger point – it is fine (good, even) to live the life that is most meaningful to you, even if your way is not the most conventional one. (more…)

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