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Being Onely

Got a question, comment, concern about the practice of “Being Onely”? Want to alert us to a book/magazine/movie/etc. that we should review for this blog?  Simply have a rant about Being Onely in a couple-oriented world? Email us at: onely @ onely.org 

Or are you a Oneler who feels you can offer a valuable perspective on what it means to be Onely and who is interested in occasionally writing for this site? Again, email us at onely @ onely.org. All we ask is that you first read this page if you haven’t already.

* Important Note: Keep in mind that anything you write below or in an email may be published on this site, whether on this page or as a topic for consideration on our “home” blog page. This means that if you provide your actual name, your actual name may appear in a posting on this site. No identifying information that you provide will ever be reproduced, sold, or used by us for any purpose outside of this site. So if you’d like to remain anonymous, go for it. We don’t mind. In fact, we actually want you to contribute to our site – so please, do whatever you need to do in order to feel comfortable sending us your thoughts/ideas/concerns etc.!

** We can provide no guarantees that we will respond to your comment in a “timely” fashion. But rest assured — we’ll be reading and we will try our best to respond in the near future. 🙂

Comments»

1. karen - June 25, 2011

i very much appreciate this blog! i have honestly never come across the term singlism before, despite being involved in psych research on many other isms (e.g., heterosexism, racism, sexism, etc.). can’t wait to read more!

-karen

Onely - June 28, 2011

Thanks Karen!
Bella DePaulo at Psychology Today actually came up with the term. What’s interesting is that people often mistake it for a positive connotation, because they parallel it to the term “feminism”. (But I think there are more negative isms than positive ones, so most of the time people use “singlism” correctly.)

CC

2. Karen Boss - August 17, 2011

Hi! I’d love to contribute to this blog. Will you be in touch to discuss how it might work? Thanks! Karen, Boston

Karen Boss - August 17, 2011

Hmmm….I think you can see my email but here it is just in case, I don’t mind posting it here: kbworld_2001 [at] yahoo.com.

Thanks. Karen Boss again. 🙂

Onely - August 17, 2011

Hi Karen! Thanks for your interest – we’d love to hear about your ideas; just send us an email with more details to us at: onely (at) onely.org

Cheers! Lisa

3. sarasvati3 - August 19, 2011

Hey Ladies! I’ve been reading your blog and loving it! And then coincidently (?) came across this article:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/does-the-single-life-mean-an-earlier-death/article2135487/

Sigh…this can’t be true! Say it ain’t so! Thought you and your readers might be interested in this. 🙂

Onely - August 20, 2011

Hi Sarasvati, thanks for reading! Have to love the photo attached to this article–the poor woebetrodden single woman staring pensively down at her blue cosmo. Are you also reading the Living Single blog on Psychology Today by Bella DePaulo? She has done a *lot* of debunking of the myth that single people die sooner, by deconstructing the setup of the studies, which are usually very flawed.

When you find articles like this, you can also contact her directly (and us too of course, if you want!). I’m going to go ahead and flag this for her in case she hasn’t seen it. I’ll cc you on the email.
= )
Christina
EDIT: ACTUALLY I just noticed that Bella’s most recent post DOES cover this study, though she bases it on an MSNBC article not the Globe & Mail article.

Here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201108/watch-out-singles-once-again-you-are-doomed-early-grave-cheater-technique?page=2

4. guest - August 23, 2011

Hello, does anyone here feel that coupling up is more common in certain regions/cities than others? I am from Chicago and it seems like settling down and having kids is the thing to do here. The singles all live in the city (the suburbs do not cater to singles at all), and once they find their wife/husband, they move out to the burbs to live the American dream. Nothing wrong with wanting that, but it seems like you are looked down upon if you are not married. Many women here are proud to parade around as a “Mrs.” once they get married. Like they are entitled or something. Is this more common in the Midwest? Seems like everyone here is deeply rooted. Maybe the single soul is more valued in cities with more transients?

Tim - September 1, 2012

I live in Winnipeg and we’re at the heart of the prairies, and it’s a very couple-y type of town. Couples get married, settle down, and move to the ‘burbs. That last part may be due more to a lack of imagination than anything else when it comes to figuring how to live one’s life. Downtown living is primarily for the singles. Native Winnipegers are also very deeply rooted. I wish you could see the look of shock on their faces when I tell them I want to move away to live somewhere else because it would be a fantastic adventure.

5. Chloe L. - December 9, 2011

Some people are happy and single. I thought you and your readers might get a giggle out of this short youtube video. My friend sent it to me, and it helps answer that question”Why aren’t you married yet? Please stop asking me this people!!

Onely - December 18, 2011

Thanks Chloe!

6. John Meeks - August 9, 2012

I am glad that I have found this blog because I find myself becoming the invisible relative in a family that is rightfully excited about my generation’s latest weddings, relationships and offspring but gives short shrift to my own accomplishments because I am not the kind to enter into relationships or mindlessly breed for the sake of keeping up with the Joneses. I have a blog entry that goes more into depth about this:
http://johnstoof.blogspot.com/2012/08/ftw.html

Onely - August 11, 2012

John, great to hear from you and we’re thrilled you’re reading our blog! We hope it gives you some feeling of support as you pursue self-acceptance as a single person.

Best wishes,
Lisa (and Christina)

7. Jen - October 17, 2012

Glad I found this page! Newly single (again) and frankly feeling a little “over” the whole couple’s thing. I’ve been told time and time again I need to lower my standards so I can get married and have some babies, but that seems a little backwards to me.. Not asking for much, just honesty, maturity, and a sense of humor in a mate. If those standards are too high I’ll stay single, thank you very much! So, I’m on the path to learning how to be a happy, fulfilled, single woman in small town USA. 🙂

8. Nadine B. - October 29, 2012

So excited to have found this site! I can relate to all of the above entries. I am a 45 year old, divorced empty nester, and just moved to San Diego, CA. I took a giant leap and I’m working on building a new life here. I love that I no longer have to be the one sibling who gets to feed my Mom’s pets when she is out of town, just because I’m the single one!

Onely - November 2, 2012

Congratulations Nadine! So many people talk of doing something like that, but never do it. I’m proud of you!
CC

9. Jeremy - October 31, 2012

I just stumbled across this site today. Looking through your lists of resources I didn’t see any links to sites for single, full-time, fully-employed fathers. I was wondering if any existed that have caught your eye in the past? I know I could easily search them online but I’m so busy! Lately I’ve been feeling the crush of the world weighing on me and it’d be nice to hear from people that can relate.

Onely - November 2, 2012

Hi Jeremy,
We’ve long been trying to find such resources (at least good ones) and would certainly post them in our blogroll if we could. Granted, our searches have been rather passive as opposed to active, but we’ve long wished for greater representation by or insight into the male single, especially the male single father. If you could do that search whenever you have time–I’m going to take the cowards’ way out and suggest that as a sfff, you are better positioned to find the good ones–and send us the link(s) you feel represent your situation the best, we would be thrilled to post them as resources. = )

In addition, if you are interested in doing a guest post, please contact us at Onely@onely.org.

10. Annette - January 16, 2013

oh, SO many things I could write about being single that people- married OR single- don’t realize are true. THe one I think I”ll post here is how often, and frustrating, it is that married men approach me with “offers”. Sometimes the wife has JUST left the room briefly, or they’ll corner me as I come out of the bathroom or something. I can’t tell their wives because their wives want too desperately to believe their husbands’ lies. If I tell others they may think I’m bragging or making it up, especially if he seems happily married or has a higher status than I do. I am far from flattered, though, as I don’t see it as a reflection of how desirable I am. I see it as insulting that they think I’m that desperate or willing just because I’m not married. There have been too many times that I’ve lost couples as friends after a husband made me an offer I did refuse. I never tell anyone, but they just disappear from my life. It makes one wonder.

Liz - October 13, 2013

That’s never happened to me, but some of the married women I encounter seem concerned that I will make their men an offer. Unreal. I’m an almost 40-something bisexual who looks rather androgynous…not exactly a “babe”.

11. Laurie - January 22, 2013

I really like what I have read so far. Do you think you could possibly make the font a bit bigger?

Onely - January 23, 2013

OK thanks for the feedback. We will see what we can do!

Rodney - July 15, 2013

Try pressing Ctrl and + at the same time, that should work in all modern browsers..

12. suzan conner - February 9, 2013

I would like to be a guest commenter-I have recently written a book about men that have predictable relationship problems and would love to post it on your site, thank you for considering my request!
Never Marry a Momma’s Boy: and 62 other men to avoid like the plague!
http://www.amazon.com
Many women today no longer trust themselves to pick a good husband. They may have been divorced one or more times, or seen friends and family go through painful divorces. They worry, talk, receive counseling, etc, trying

13. Rosemarie - March 3, 2013

I’m so glad I found this blog. I wanted to ask about dealing with the comments one gets from coupled and married people. It seems I get it more from the women than when the couples are together. I’m struggling with the bragging and the intentional comments from them to target me as a single female person. It’s been a struggle, but I’ve made progress in feeling confident about being single. I used to feel that something was really wrong with me because I haven’t had a long term relationship and I’m not married yet. I’ve come to realize that the women who brag about their mate, couplehood, or sex life are coming from insecurity. Why do it? It’s mean and sadistic. Do singles ever rub it in? I feel that single people are models of humility. Yet we’re often seen as the jealous, bitter ones. We’re considered so upset that we could never feel happy for anymore else. I wonder how other singles out there deal with it. I’m not very good with come backs, but I have managed to let it bounce off. I’d like to see an article about having to deal with that.

14. JoyUK - May 12, 2013

Hello
Please let me congratulate you on your blog and on your attitude – it is so refreshing and uplifting to read/know there are women like me ‘out there’ seeing as I’ve never met any here in England even though the latest gov stats say that 1 in 5 middle-aged women are childless and 1/3rd of households are solos in the UK.
At 50 years old I rejoice in and celebrate my solo childfree life with gratitude. I’m not miserable about it at all, not selfish, not greedy, not guilty, nor ashamed and no longer made to feel inferior by the ‘superior’ attitudes of mothers the way I used to in my 30s. I am at peace with myself, relaxed and contented with who I am and with my choices – it would take a remarkable man for me to become a couple again after living solo for 20 years.
I saw your question… “If you’re not a mother what are you?” – I’m ME, that’s who I am. I think it’s pretty tragic to have to define who you are by saying you’re a ‘mother’ or a ‘wife’ – what’s that? – it’s a role, it’s not who you ARE as a person in yourself.
I love being childfree solo and I wish other women like me also felt that way, but it seems very uncommon, plus it feels a LONG way off when those who feel they can’t exist unless they’re in a couple, plus those with kids can understand that the choice of those who wish to be solo childless is right for them as people and doesn’t mean they are necessarily defective, crazy, or alien in some way.
I hope your blog and website thrives into the future. Thank you.

Onely - June 6, 2013

Joy,
Your kind words and support mean so much to me and Lisa. Doing Onely also helps us maintain a positive attitude as well (even though some–well, a lot–of our posts are pretty grumpy). = )

I must wonder if you live in a city or small town or what–as wouldn’t this affect how many women you know, of all stripes? Here in the states we have meetup.com which I find is a great way to meet likeminded folks in an atmosphere that is not all about meeting a partner. I am not sure if MeetUp is in England, but you certainly have a similar service(s). Keep us posted.
CC

15. Rodney - July 15, 2013

Interesting blog, only found this via link from Psychology Today. I’ve often thought about the growing wave of single middle aged childless people in this world today and now the internet provides the opportunity for like-minded souls to chat about this modern phenomenon.

I live down in Tasmania, a southern island of the coast of Australia and nobody frowns or says anything if you tell them your single and actually enjoy it. However I have not always lived here and certainly did not grow up on this Island state. My roots are back in Sydney, one of the biggest cities in the nation and all my brothers and sister are single and live alone in that city.

Maybe this is a genetic or generational thing? I don’t know, but it strikes me as a bit unusual that out of a family of 4 children, we all live alone! our ages are 39 to 53.


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