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You Might Be A Heteronormahole If. . . July 1, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Just Saying..
Tags: , , , ,

As our Copious Readers know, Onely invented the term “heteronormahole,” but we’ve never defined it — until now. So, in case you’re worried we’re talking about you (hint: if you’re reading this blog, this possibility is HIGHLY UNLIKELY), here’s a list to help you sort it out.

You Might Be a Heteronormahole If:

1. The first question you ask a person you haven’t talked to in some time is, “So, are you seeing anyone?” (you also might be a heteronormahole if this is the second question you ask).

2. You’re a waiter and you scowl when a one-top walks in.

3. You think that, without a mother and a father living together, children will end up delinquent or deficient.

4. You insist that other people’s relationships need to be “headed somewhere.”

5. You think everyone dreads coming home to an empty house.

6. Your automatic response to someone who says he/she is single is “Awwwww” or “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone.”

7. Given the choice, you would ALWAYS choose to spend time with your significant other, rather than hang out with your friends.

8. You’re a realtor and automatically show single people smaller houses than your coupled clients.

9. You organize office baby and wedding showers, but not showers for Christina.

10. You feel sorry for people who live “all alone” with their cats and/or books.

Readers, how do you recognize a heternormahole?

— Lisa and Christina


1. Alan - July 1, 2009

I would add this one:

11. Once married you feel that you should only associate with other married couples.

The wife of a friend of my best friend felt that way, and kind of froze my best friend out until he got married.

Also I’d add this very basic one:

12. Your marriage makes you feel morally superior.

2. (no)sexandthecity - July 1, 2009

the 7’s, 11’s and 12’s have made me the victim of #10’s. aww, poor me and mi gato:( scooping the litter sure beats changing diapers or serving as maid to an ungrateful husband.

Number 4 = the basic premise of Hitched or Ditched!

i don’t encounter 1 or 6 too often (which is good because i don’t comprehend that way of relating to others), but if I did I would nominate them for http://thingsiwanttopunchintheface.blogspot.com/

how do i recognize heteronormaholes…they used to be my friends until i converted to the alien species “single?” their husbands are threatened by them spending more than 1 hour in the company of someone non-attached? their world is completely “above” mine and i am incapable of relating to it (in their eyes)? they rooted for miss california or palin and still believe in 2009 that gay people can and should be reformed?

3. Lauri - July 1, 2009

13. You’ve ever referred to a wedding as “the most important day of life.”

14. When someone says they don’t plan on getting married, you reply, “Don’t say that!!!!”


In response to #4, omg, I have friends who do this. It’s so bizarre- why would anyone care about the form of someone else’s relationship? I had met a couple that were friends of friends. My friends told me that the guy had lost his job and was looking for one in a different city, and wasn’t it terrible because the girl had just got a new job and probably didn’t want to move. My response was, “well, that’s not a bad distance to travel on the weekends and stuff.” My friends looked horrified at my response. One of them, very, very seriously goes, “you don’t understand. they’re even older than us. they’re like 34.” The look of horror on my friends’ faces that a couple in their 30s might not be obsessed with living together and racing their biological clocks spelled H-E-T-E-R-O-N-O-R-M-A-H-O-L-E!

onely - July 1, 2009

Bwahaha that made me laugh out loud! Thanks! CC

onely - July 2, 2009

PS that’s an awful long word we’ve coined, ain’t it? 🙂 L

4. autonomous - July 1, 2009

Someone who can’t understand why I might love sleeping alone. Cats and books don’t grunt or snore. And in the morning, Kitty will very considerately sit quietly staring at me until I wake up. She’s never grouchy.

5. onely - July 1, 2009

Thanks everyone, for contributing to the list!

6. bobby - July 2, 2009

I just found out I’m a non-heteronormahole. Cool, it’s now added to my collection 😉

onely - July 2, 2009

We already knew that, Bobby!!!! 🙂 L

7. Bedstorms - July 3, 2009

11. I am married with children, therefore I should have first crack at vacation time, be more promotable because I have proven that I am “more responsible”, be the last one voted off the island ….

onely - July 3, 2009

I hear this happpens a lot–I have luckily never actually experienced it in my office, though. Or at least not that I’m aware of! –CC

8. trauma queen - July 5, 2009

oh I have so many – and some of these are not so much about heteronormavity, but sexuality as well (I suppose they can be connected). you might be a h-hole if you say the following:

1. How come someone as good looking as you never ended up with a bf/gf? (this wins the spot of most barf-worthy in my list!)

2. How can you be a bisexual if you never had a same sex partner? (My response: oh so u say you’re straight? pls prove it to me)

3. I know your types..you think being single is fashionable..trust me…you will regret it later (sorruy, should this win the title of most barf-worthy?)

4. Hmmm..you clearly have intimacy issues..you can seek help for that

5. You sure it isn’t a hormone problem?

6. Oh you’re a feminist! I get it…you hate men, you don’t want to marry (I never knew feminism amounted to man-hating)

You also know you’re an h-hole when:
7. You go on and on about your spouse and kids at a social gatherings cos no one wants to listen to the life of a single person anyway

8. Setting your single friends up becomes a moral obligation for you

onely - July 5, 2009

Re. number 6–just as feminists get accused of man-hating, singles’ advocates get accused of couple-hating! Isn’t that funny?

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13. Roderick - October 29, 2016

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