What’s in Your Bed? September 11, 2009Posted by Onely in Just Saying..
Tags: New Scientist, rosetta stone, single full queen king, single lifestyle, things in your bed, unmarried bed habits
I read somewhere that if you’re single, you should always sleep in the middle of the bed. This is good feng shui because it represents that you’re complete in yourself. By sleeping in the middle of the bed, you distract the universe from the pooling vortex of singlehood angst and thwarted couplehood that an empty half of the bed attracts (and God help you if you sleep next to an unused pillow).
So I sometimes feel guilty for sleeping on the side of my bed, as if I am not an enlightened single.
I have three beds: single, full, and a king-sized. If I sleep in the middle of the full one, how am I supposed to reach the nightstand light? If I sleep in the middle of the king, then getting up in the darl to pee becomes like a fouled-up arctic expedition as I stumble on all fours over lumps of chilled comforter wondering, “Which way is the bathroom?”
But I manage to fool the universe and quiet the vortex by filling that empty space beside me with other things. At various times, and sometimes simultaneously, I have had in my bed the following pleasure items (yeah, all you readers who found this blog via searches for “nut sucking” wish it were going to be that kind of post):
–My laptop so that I can lie on my side and play Rosetta Stone language learning software (“the bananas are in the basket; the cat is real; the boy is under the airplane”)
–A pile of New Scientist magazines, corners folded on quantum physics articles, useful for tiring my brain during insomnia (“Camels, Heisenberg, and Quantum Uncertainty”)
–A deck of archetype cards for inspiration (“Scribe: Light attribute-Preserving knowledge; Shadow attribute: Altering facts”)
–A notebook filled with ideas that were great at 3 a.m. but indecipherable by daylight (“Roger! And the full monkey doesn’t sic after all!”)
–A silk lavender eye pillow
–My mangy stuffed doggy who fits perfectly under my neck as a support pillow
–A rolled up towel for putting under my spine
–My bite guard because it fell out of my mouth
–Some crumbs of rye toast
–The plate those crumbs of rye toast came from
Yet despite how indispensable all these items are to my nightly comfort routines, that long-ago advice about sleep location still haunts me, and I occasionally feel that I should clear my pleasure items away so I can lie in the middle of the bed. I guess I could solve the whole problem by simply sleeping in my single bed. In a single bed, everywhere is the middle! But that bed is in my dressing room (yes, I have a dressing room in my single girl townhome–do all those smug married couples smooshing their faces together in Facebook profile pics have their own dressing rooms? I think not!). I can’t sleep in the dressing room bed because I use it as ahorizontal closet to drape my dress slacks on.
Copious Readers, what do you have in your bed?
P.S. This post would not be complete if I didn’t pause here to reflect on some bedding nomenclature. Isn’t it interesting to think about the difference between a “single” and a “full” mattress? Does “full” mirror society’s conception that couplehood somehow completes a single? Lest you think I might be reading too deeply into the names, let me point out that the subsequent sizes queen and king seem to reflect the historical ranking of men and women: the female is smaller, slightly less desired than the male. Just saying.