OMG, I’m One of THEM. February 6, 2010
Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single.Tags: infatuation of new relationship, obnoxious couples, rude remarks to single people
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Copious Readers, after a year and a half of blogging about positive singlehood and of punditing for singles’ rights, I have gone over to the dark side. I have two new men in my life. No, that’s not the dark part. We here at Onely are not against love, dating, or relationships. We are, however, against obnoxiousness. And I’m obnoxious.
I spend all my non-work hours with Alvin or Theo. Several times in the last week I’ve postponed phone calls to friends and family so that I could hang out with, cook for, or cuddle with a new flame. I’m sleep deprived because we stay up too late laughing and talking. When people do call to find out where I’ve been, I barely ask about their lives, but instead I blather on and on about how handsome Theo is or how smart and funny Alvin seems. I send emails with no message, but maxed out with photo attachments, many of which look kind of the same. Instead of doing my Arabic homework or writing my Adequate American Novel, I crawl around on my hands and knees looking for the boys’ balls.
Alvin and Theo are both a lot shorter than I am, but I’m pretty progressive about that kind of thing. And I loooove their back hair. Alvin is adventurous and brings out my wild side, but Theo is more shy and has a chronic worried look on his face that makes me want to comfort him. I’m lucky I don’t have to choose between them, because they seem to enjoy sharing my lap.
Oh, my poor matchmaking coworkers, who don’t have kittens to help them ride out the Stormageddon. I will try to comfort and support them on Monday:
“Oh, you’re kittenless? Aww. That’s too bad. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find some one day.”
“So, why is a great person like you still kittenless?”
“What, you say you’re happy with your dog? What are you, some kind of freak?” (Special shout-out to Lisa.)
“Hey, so you’re kittenless, right? I know this great calico who just happens to need a person!”
Copious Readers, can you forgive me?
–Christina
Onely (err, Christina) Saves the World! February 2, 2010
Posted by Onely in single and happy, We like. . ..Tags: change.org, christina rocks, spreading the word
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So Christina is apparently too shy to post about her most recent writing endeavor — she’s been recruited by Change.org to blog regularly on women’s and single’s issues.
Check out her first post — stat!
(Oh, and in case you’re concerned, she’s not leaving Onely — just broadening her horizons! Go Christina Go!)
— Lisa
Valentine’s Day: Scourge of the Onelys (Nature Edition) February 1, 2010
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, Singled Out.Tags: couples-only, hiking, louisville ky, night hikes, valentine's day
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So last week I was rea
ding one of my favorite blogs, a local site that announces public events and gatherings located in the Louisville area. (I really appreciate the site and the owner, who obviously cares about our little city and runs the site pro bono, so I’m not going to link to it here.) On the site, there was an announcement for an event held at a beautiful forest about 20 minutes outside of the city — my dog and I love hiking at this forest, and so I read the following with enthusiasm — and then jarring disappointment:
A romantic Valentine’s Day evening awaits Friday, February 12 and Saturday, February 13 at — Forest. For only $25, couples will be treated to a romantic candle-lit hike that ends with a view of Louisville’s lights from the scenic — House.
Following the hike, couples will enjoy a roaring fire, hot drinks and gourmet desserts within the — House. … The evening begins at 7:30 p.m. and is expected to wind up by 10 p.m. Couples are also invited to bring flashlights to the hike for added visibility along the trails.
Because of increased demand for the hikes, an additional date was added this year.
“The natural beauty of — Forest is a great fit with Valentine’s Day,” said —, public education coordinator at — Forest. “Couples can have a romantic evening by taking a stroll through the grounds, then relaxing in front of the fire. We have many couples who have made this part of their Valentine tradition. They look forward to seeing other couples they have met in the years past. The — House offers enough room to sit together or find a romantic spot away from the group.”
I’ll admit: I’m not normally all that surprised — or even bothered — by V-day events. They often sound boring and/or cheesy; they’re usually activities I’d rather not participate in, even if I were coupled. But being the outdoorsy kind of woman I am, I feel completely offended by this event. I am simply horrified by the idea that this cool night-time nature hike — which I would truly enjoy! — has become a couples-only activity! The strangest part about the announcement, which Christina pointed out to me, is that it doesn’t even say explicitly that the event is only for couples… But the language used in the announcement is clearly grounded upon that basic premise (especially the last paragraph — which makes me nauseous!).
To which I say, F*** you, — Forest!
Copious Readers, what do you think? Am I overreacting?
— Lisa
photo credit: asiastockimages
So I Know This Great Person. . . January 28, 2010
Posted by Onely in Everyday Happenings.Tags: office matchmaking, presumptions about singles, single and looking
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Why do people try to matchmake? Is there a proper way to matchmake? What are matchmaking faux pas? I’m not decrying matchmakers in general. I myself have introduced at least two couples, one of whom (or one of which?) got married. However, in neither case did I accomplish the setup by saying, “Hey, you’re single–I know this great other single person!” Instead, I saw one friend who had a common interest with another friend, and I introduced them from that angle.
My coworker took a different approach. Talking about needing to “find his friend a woman”, he said to me, “You’re single, right?” I would have preferred, “Hey, I have this friend who likes kittens and yoga, so you two would get along–you’re single, right?” I might have even agreed to the setup, for a fun outing. But instead I flinched inside and said, “Yes, single, and happily so.”
“Happily?” he said, and I swear his eyes got wide.
“I don’t really have time,” I said. This statement, while true, was a strategic blunder.
“Time? You work four days a week!” True, that. But I work four days a week because of health issues. I don’t want to share that fact with the office. As I deal with my body issues, I use up a lot of emotional resources that are therefore not available for a romantic relationship.
I didn’t say this to my coworker. I said, “I have other things I have to take care of.” (Pause while he stares with his round blue eyes and I feel as if he sees my four-hour weekend naps and disapproves.) “I like to concentrate on my writing. My Arabic classes.” True, that, also. But why did I feel the need to defend my choice? Am I not allowed to have unstructured free time unless I’m trying to fill it with a boyfriend?
“If someone stellar came along, I might think about it,” I said. That’s not untrue, but the reason I said it was so I would not sound snotty or abrasive or defensive. But at the same time, I wondered–what’s wrong with taking a firm (or mildly offended) stance against being cornered by someone who assumes that because you’re single, you must be “looking”?
Feeling as if I had somewhat capitulated to matrimania (and feeling the flinches of all our Onderful readers), I tried to redeem myself by saying, with a smile, “Right now I just don’t feel any sort of lack in the relationship area.” His eyes were still big, and I felt I wasn’t doing justice to the whole Onely mission (the conversation having caught me by surprise with no preparation time!), so I bolted away back to my own cube.
The conversation shook me up a little more that it probably should have, because it was sort of a double-whammy: My coworker (totally unintentionally) devalued not only my choice of singlehood, but also my choice to have secret four-hour naps on the weekends.
He was just trying to be nice to his friend, though. And he thought I was enough of a quality person that he would introduce me to someone he cares about. Does that make it all ok?
–Christina
photo credit: zetson
single. academic. female. January 26, 2010
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Food for Thought, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: dating an academic, how smart is too smart, life of an academic, sexism in academia, single female academic, smart women
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Over the weekend, I took a walk with my friends B & A, and B — who is male, pursuing a PhD in my program, and married to A — asked me about how I felt about something he had heard: That women who begin pursuing their PhDs while single are less likely to find partners or be married in the long run when compared with men (my apologies to B if I’ve paraphrased incorrectly, but this is what I remembered). B sounded pretty stunned about what he had heard, but I was not.
So although I have not found any statistics to verify whether what B heard was true or not, I want to go over the reasons why this fact seems relatively unsurprising to me (as a single academic female myself) and to see what you, Copious Readers, have to add to the conversation (especially if you have access to any useful statistics or personal experiences related to this issue!): (more…)
Bad Onely Activities: Sorting through a Mountain of Paperwork January 21, 2010
Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities.Tags: filing old papers, i like my mess, life of an academic, organizing my life, personal hurdles, private disaster, single in academia
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Hello from underneath a mountain of paper.
Yup, that’s me over to the right (!) attempting to sort through the massive amount of paper I (or, to be more accurate, my printer) have produced since starting my Ph.D. There are the papers I have written and revised; the papers my classmates drafted for class discussion; the academic articles printed and read throughout my coursework and in preparation for my doctoral exams last semester; there are the syllabi from my coursework, and the syllabi from the classes I’ve taught; there are the extra copies of handouts and writing assignments; and finally, there are the portfolios of student writing left over after the end of every semester.
It’s only been two and a half years. But I have created a (very environmentally UNfriendly) monster. And because I am about to begin writing my dissertation and don’t feel I’ll be able to focus until my life (and my papers) are in order — I told myself earlier this week, it’s now or never, Lisa. You’ve got to organize!
But my god, this is a daunting task – the deeper I get, the more the mess grows. I’ve made three trips to Staples since I started and have only managed to file and alphabetize my journal articles — which I guess is OK, considering that there are several hundred of them. I have a long list of mundane tasks ahead, and it’s far too easy to get distracted…
So, I am officially declaring this a Bad Onely Activity. I’ll feel like a rock star once it’s finished, but this tornado is my own private disaster: it affects no one but me.
Copious Readers, what private disasters or personal mountains have you had to manage on your own — and how did you overcome?
— Lisa
Martin Luther King Day Post! (Better late than never!) January 20, 2010
Posted by Onely in Food for Thought.Tags: martin luther king infidelity, racial equality and marriage
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Happy retroactive MLK day everyone! I’ve unfortunately been hearing about Martin Luther King being a philanderer who betrayed his wife on numerous occasions. I don’t know enough to be able to say whether this is credible information or not. Do any of our Copious Readers have the facts?
However, what I do think is interesting is how the celeration of his work toward racial equality almost always prevails over the stories of his infidelity. This bodes well for those of us who want to disassemble the marriage mythology. When the populace chooses to honor MLK’s “Dream” instead of his Dalliances, that says we honor racial equality (a human right) more than we honor marriage (a relatively arbitrary legal and social institution).
Yay!
–Christina
P.S. There’s also the issue of whether extra-marital infidelity is inherently bad. The couple could have had any number of personal “arrangements” that would allow for sex outside the relationship. Coretta Scott King could have had her own affairs, who knows. But in either case, my point in the above paragraph remains the same.
P.P.S. But if he and Coretta did *not* have an “understanding” and he did cheat on her, then when I pass over to the other side, I am going to find him, and I am going to kick his loving and dreaming ass.
Photo credit: New York World-Telegram & Sun.
Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys — Plan B January 16, 2010
Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: one-night stands, plan b, single women, singlism in the media, we are single and happy
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So I was lazily watching TV a few evenings ago and saw a commercial that I have seen many times before – this Plan B commercial:
I’m not sure how long this commercial has been out, but it’s been out long enough for me to have had several competing reactions to it (for those of you outside of the U.S. who don’t know what Plan B is, just watch the video). Here is a brief trajectory of my thinking (which prompted this post): (more…)
Onelers devenons comme fous: Lisa fait Paris (avec la maman!) January 13, 2010
Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Singles Resource, solo travel.Tags: bon annee!, international travel, language vacation, paris, solo travel, traveling with a companion
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Bon Annee, fellow Onelers! As my poor French translation above (hopefully) indicates, I spent the New Year in Paris with my mother, who has never before traveled internationally and who has been dreaming of taking this trip most of her life (well, I *know* my bad French didn’t exactly say all that, but bear with me).
Yes, I AM the luckiest daughter in the world! I traveled alone to the UK in May (see my posts here, here, and here on the experience) and have now begun exploring Europe (it’s not just my mom’s dream!). I was wary of heading alone to a country where I didn’t speak the language (ich spreche ein bischen Deutsch, and even less Russian), so going with my mom was a good first step — especially since she paid for everything 🙂
So, now that I have recuperated from my travels, I wanted to share with you my thoughts on traveling internationally alone versus with someone else: (more…)
Singles Must Show Up In Person! January 10, 2010
Posted by Onely in As If!, Everyday Happenings.Tags: absentee voting criteria, married peoples' rights, singles discrimination, spouse privileges, U.S. government discrimination
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Here at Onely (and in the singles’ advocacy blogosphere in general) we’re always griping about how the U.S. government provides married people with over 1300 legal privileges that singles don’t get (kudos to Bella DePaulo who first mined the federal statues). Honestly, though, I can only specifically name a few of those 1300 benefits: the ability to draw a deceased partner’s social security; right to pay less capital gains tax (and other taxes); right to piggyback on a partner’s insurance; right to visit and make medical decisions for a partner in the hospital. What are all the other 1,296 rights denied to singles? Copious readers, please let us know!
I’ll start the list with a Married Privilege I recently discovered by accident:
Politicians have been bombarding my mailbox with lit’riture in preparation for Virginia’s upcoming Jan 12 special election to fill a state Senate seat. I received an absentee ballot application from Democrat Dave Marsden. Now, any candidate who sends lit’riture encouraging me to sit at home on my couch and vote instead of going out in the pre-8-a.m. cold to my old elementary school has my full support! However, upon closer examination of the ballot, I realized that I would have to meet at least one of eighteen specific criteria in order to be able to vote from my couch. Here they are (cliffhanger–I have put the most exciting criteria at the end of the list). In order to vote absentee, I would have to be: (more…)
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