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If I Die Young and Freakishly December 23, 2010

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Just Saying., Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy.
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8 comments

My dad’s coworker died at 36 of a heart attack in his car after work. Security guards found him after noticing the car sitting, engine on, in a nearly-empty parking lot. People–me included–told the story in sad whispers: “In the car. With the engine on.”

If I die under odd circumstances (“odd” defined as “not passing away in a bed while asleep with a spouse holding my hand”), I don’t want people to harp on the details in a shocked or pitying way. If I go, I go with no regrets. (Except maybe that I never visited Dick Proenneke‘s house, and that my computer is full of revolting first drafts.)

As a Oneler who currently lives alone (“alone” defined as “with two cats”), any of my potential death scenarios–tripping on a cat on the stairs, choking on roast beef, cracking my skull on the bathtub–takes on an extra dollop of “Oh, geez, that’s terrible”: my body would inevitably have to lie there alone for a while before my office sends the dogs after me, or my mom calls the cops to find out why I haven’t phoned her in the last 24 hours to ask whether she thinks the two-week-old stroganoff is still good. Then someone would have to come and discover me, and the grapevine would vibrate with murmurs like, “And they had to break open the door! And there she was!”

Well, so what?

(more…)

@Onelydotorg’s Gone Twitter! December 17, 2010

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, single and happy, We like. . ..
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3 comments

If you’ve visited Onely anytime over the last day or two, you may have noticed the Twitter feed that’s now over on the right side-bar.

That’s right, we’ve been Twitterfied. Or Tweepled. Or, well, I don’t know what those young’uns call it — I just know that I finally got around to figuring out how the whole Twitter thing works after, oh, about a YEAR since Christina first suggested I look into setting us up with an account. (Welcome to the 21st century, right?)

I was none too sure I would like it, but now that I’ve tested the waters, I am thrilled at how easy it is to link to other people’s blog posts and provocative Web pages through a quick Tweet or ReTweet.

So, if you’re already on Twitter, please follow us — @Onelydotorg. We’ll follow you right back!

If you’re not already on Twitter, feel free to follow the links that appear over at the top of the right sidebar (they’ll update automatically).

And if you want to contribute to our feed, feel free to send us an email with links, questions, or anything else that you think our Twitter followers will appreciate: Our email address is onely [at] onely [dot] org, and your subject heading should read TWITTER.

Onward and Upward, with new (tweeting) technologies!

— Lisa (and Christina)

Happy Turkey Day! (Or, to our international readers: Happy November 25th!) November 25, 2010

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, We like. . ..
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4 comments

Caveats about the political incorrectness of the holiday aside, Christina and I compiled the following list of things we are grateful for as single people this Thanksgiving:

1. Private time to eat all the pumpkin bread we want, unjudged.

2. Shared time with friends or family, or friends who’ve become our family.

3. The change in public attitude about marriage (and single people): ever-so-slowly-but-perceptibly for the better.

4. The U.S. Census Bureau, for announcing that over 50 percent of households are now headed by unmarried people.

5. Our pets, for thinking we’re gods.

6. Plumbing, and having the right to use it however we like (well, usually).

7. You, our Copious Readers, for supporting us and contributing your voices to what has become a true online community for singles’ advocacy.

Ever-Attentive and Copious Readers, what are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?

— Lisa (and Christina)

photo credit: flicker

Great Onelies in Real Time: Chen Wei-yih to Marry Herself October 22, 2010

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Great Onelies in Real Time, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy.
11 comments

In Sex and the City, it sounded too good to be true. But Chen Wei-yih, a 30-year-old Taiwanese woman, is making it a reality: She’s marrying herself.

And the event — scheduled for November 6th — is making international news. Check it out on the Huffington Post, Wei-yih’s blog (if you can read Chinese), and/or friend her on Facebook if you support her. We at Onely think Wei-yih (and those friends and family who support her) rocks, though we wonder if she will enjoy the same benefits as her “real” married counterparts do.

We’re wishing her all the best. Copious Readers, what are your thoughts?

— Lisa (and Christina)

Isn’t it sad that some people are surprised that you can be happily single? April 6, 2010

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy.
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16 comments

Kudos to Contented Single, who (inadvertently) titled this post thanks to her comment at the end of this discussion about whether or not being Onely has made me clueless. In answer to her question, YES I DO think it’s sad that some people are surprised that you (we) can be happily single! In fact, running this blog has spoiled me; I’ve clearly forgotten how unusual the Onely mindset seems in the public’s eyes.

Having my friend Jenny in town last month reminded me of that. We don’t know each other all that well, and I offered to let her stay with me since our national annual conference was here in Louisville. I wasn’t sure how things would go, since we only ever see each other in academic contexts — and since I try to keep my academic life separate from this blog, she doesn’t know anything about Onely. She stayed with me for five days, and during that time, not only did she insist that my friend George was “in love” with me — she also kept mentioning how “happy” I seemed being single.

Her surprise was as great as mine! The second night she was in town, she told me how different I was from most of her single friends back home, who she described as strangely “resentful” when she got married last summer. And a couple nights later, after she met George and couldn’t help trying to pair us up — and I kept resisting her compulsion, she finally “admitted” that if I was really happy being single, then (she supposed) there wasn’t anything wrong with that.

I almost told her about Onely, but then I decided against it because I was just so fascinated by her surprise that I wanted to see if it would last through the whole visit. And it did. So when I saw her off, I felt pretty satisfied, knowing I’d made a good impression on her as a happily single person. I think she’ll carry it with her — I guess we need more Onelers to represent!

Copious Readers, have you had experiences like I had with Jenny, when someone expressed surprise by your happy-and-single status?

— Lisa

PS: Jenny also told me that she felt that after she got married and started wearing a wedding ring all the time, she’d noticed a big change in the way men treated her (less as an object). Made me think that I should start wearing a fake wedding ring on errands or when traveling — as a social experiment! If you have thoughts about this, please share. 🙂

Singles’ Advocacy Goes Mainstream–And Almost Gets It Right March 27, 2010

Posted by Onely in As If!, Great Onely Activities, Reviews.
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5 comments

You don’t get much more mainstream than The Today Show, which featured an interview with filmmaker Jane Scandurra of the documentary “Single” and Lesley Jane Seymour of More magazine talking about the awesomeness of the 27 million (presumably U.S. American) single women, in particular those over 40. Yay!

Our Copious Reader Rachel flagged this great segment for us, and we’re thrilled to see our Onely principles espoused by influential and visible women in the mainstream media. In the interview, they talk about how “Anybody is not better than nobody” and “Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re alone or unhappy”. They say this with such enthusiasm, and as if these are the newest and most surprisingly wonderful ideas, which I guess to many people they are. So kudos to Today for tackling this topic. They acknowledge the problem of how react to the pitying “Awww” and “I know someone for you!” The video doesn’t present much information that will be new to most Onely readers, nor does it address the fact married people get all sorts of random legal rights that singles don’t, but it’s definitely entertaining and worth a watch.

But then. . .

Oy vey. . .

Immediately following the yay-singlehood segment, we see a Joy Fit Club story about an articulate, spirited, intelligent, attractive woman who was over one hundred pounds overweight. The story follows her heroic weightloss battle, which she won, losing 114 pounds! And how does the segment end? With our now-svelte heroine saying:

I’ve met a wonderful man, and hope to hear wedding bells in my near future.

And our two interviewers (the same ones who lauded Seymour and Scandurra’s single lives) squealing like stepped-on puppies:

OOOO We’re so excited!

Ok fine. But MSN has double-faulted: One, they’ve linked weight to attractiveness and attractiveness to singleness; and two, they’ve acted as if the natural, desired, and expected outcome of a successful life (represented in this case by a massive and impressive weight loss) is marriage. I applaud our heroine’s triumph in the dressing room and wish her luck in pursuing her personal dream of having a nuclear family, but I hope that Today’s next interviewee is someone who lost a hundred pounds then decided to build an orphanage-slash-observatory on the beach in New Zealand. Or something.

–Christina

Photo credit: Mer Incognito

Neurotic or Not? You decide! March 1, 2010

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Just Saying., Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.
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18 comments

I am an incredibly private person when it comes to the bathroom. So private, in fact, that even though I live alone, when my dog is anywhere around the bathroom when I am about to use it, I make her either leave the room or close the door completely.

So, when Christina mentioned last week in an email to me that one of her cute new kittens SAT ON HER LAP while she used the bathroom, I was, quite frankly horrified. Here is the transcript of the email conversation that followed:

Me: “ewwww, i would SO never let an animal sit on my lap or anywhere near me while i was peeing!!! that’s so disgusting — definitely a Onely activity.”

Christina: “There is no ‘let’ with cats. If they want to sit on your lap when you are on the toilet, they just jump up there before I know it’s coming. This morning Theo used his claws to get leverage.”

Me: “it’s called SHUTTING THE DOOR to the bathroom!”

Christina: “huh? What is this door-shutting of which you speak? I believe I remember something like that from many years ago when I used to live with other people. . .”

I hate the thought of anyone (or any thing if you don’t think animals are people too) watching or listening to me while I’m on the toilet — which I realize might be understood as slightly extreme, but I’m okay with that because it’s better than the alternative — a dog sniffing my crotch or a kitten clawing my legs while I’m totally exposed and relatively helpless. But while I think Christina is totally crazy for being so open with animals, she thinks I’m strangely prudish.

We made fun of each other for a while, but it seems that neither of us can muster the rhetorical skills necessary to convince the other that she’s nuts… So, we’d like you, Copious Readers, to settle the debate: Who’s the neurotic one? Me, her, or somewhere in between (no hard feelings, we promise)!

— L

photo credit: EyalNow

OMG, I’m One of THEM. February 6, 2010

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single.
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24 comments

Copious Readers, after a year and a half of blogging about positive singlehood and of punditing for singles’ rights, I have gone over to the dark side. I have two new men in my life. No, that’s not the dark part. We here at Onely are not against love, dating, or relationships. We are, however, against obnoxiousness. And I’m obnoxious.

I spend all my non-work hours with Alvin or Theo. Several times in the last week I’ve postponed phone calls to friends and family so that I could hang out with, cook for, or cuddle with a new flame. I’m sleep deprived because we stay up too late laughing and talking. When people do call to find out where I’ve been, I barely ask about their lives, but instead I blather on and on about how handsome Theo is or how smart and funny Alvin seems. I send emails with no message, but maxed out with photo attachments, many of which look kind of the same. Instead of doing my Arabic homework or writing my Adequate American Novel, I crawl around on my hands and knees looking for the boys’ balls.

Alvin and Theo are both a lot shorter than I am, but I’m pretty progressive about that kind of thing. And I loooove their back hair. Alvin is adventurous and brings out my wild side, but Theo is more shy and has a chronic worried look on his face that makes me want to comfort him. I’m lucky I don’t have to choose between them, because they seem to enjoy sharing my lap.

Oh, my poor matchmaking coworkers, who don’t have kittens to help them ride out the Stormageddon. I will try to comfort and support them on Monday:

“Oh, you’re kittenless? Aww. That’s too bad. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find some one day.”

“So, why is a great person like you still kittenless?”

“What, you say you’re happy with your dog? What are you, some kind of freak?” (Special shout-out to Lisa.)

“Hey, so you’re kittenless, right? I know this great calico who just happens to need a person!”

Copious Readers, can you forgive me?

–Christina

Onelers devenons comme fous: Lisa fait Paris (avec la maman!) January 13, 2010

Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Singles Resource, solo travel.
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16 comments

Bon Annee, fellow Onelers! As my poor French translation above (hopefully) indicates, I spent the New Year in Paris with my mother, who has never before traveled internationally and who has been dreaming of taking this trip most of her life (well, I *know* my bad French didn’t exactly say all that, but bear with me).

Yes, I AM the luckiest daughter in the world! I traveled alone to the UK in May (see my posts here, here, and here on the experience) and have now begun exploring Europe (it’s not just my mom’s dream!). I was wary of heading alone to a country where I didn’t speak the language (ich spreche ein bischen Deutsch, and even less Russian), so going with my mom was a good first step — especially since she paid for everything 🙂

So, now that I have recuperated from my travels, I wanted to share with you my thoughts on traveling internationally alone versus with someone else: (more…)

What Do You Do for the Holidays? Onely Wants to Know! December 23, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.
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20 comments

So here I am, typing this post while lying on an uncomfortable air mattress in a claustrophobic book-lined bedroom in my parents’ tiny townhouse near San Jose, California. I’ve listened to my parents bickering and complaints – and contributed my own – since I arrived last Thursday (with a notable exception over the weekend, when I stayed overnight in San Fran with my older brother, and today, which I spent in a coffeeshop drafting a short article that’s due January 1st). I’ve visited the ocean; eaten some delicious clam chowder and fish tacos; visited Pacifica to see if I could witness California’s coast disappearing (watch the video — I saw it from a distance!); toured San Francisco’s Academy of Sciences and Conservatory of Flowers for the first time; enjoyed some amazing South Indian food at Dosa to celebrate my mom’s birthday; and visited Yosemite National Park. I have two brothers, but I’m the only one who arrives from out of town and who actually stays with my parents for a prolonged amount of time — so I find myself simultaneously spoiled shitless and driven crazy.

Happy Holidays, Copious Readers! Welcome to a version of what I consider pretty “normal” every late December. I love it as much as I hate it — I experience as much discomfort as I do pleasure being here during the holidays, some of it certainly emerging from my enjoyment of being single, independent, and living far away from my family. Perhaps most importantly, being here makes me fully appreciate the temporary nature of this season — I always feel refreshed when I return to “normalcy,” my happily single habits and life.

Please, tell us what you love and hate about being Onely during the holidays – is it better or worse to live near family? What are the benefits and disadvantages of being single at this time of year? Do your parents, or other family members, question your singleness – or do they leave you alone, and why? Do you find you have less “alone” time — and/or what happens when you demand it, as I must? Or do you forego family visits altogether and enjoy the holidays alone, or on an adventure, or with friends?

Also up for discussion is whether the infamous Charlie Brown-with-Christmas tree image, pictured above, is sad, singlist, and/or superb! 🙂

I’m looking forward to hearing your opinions and stories… And in the meantime, I hope everyone is enjoying a safe and happy holiday season!!

— Lisa