Singlism? Feminism? What Gives? (Part Two) December 15, 2009
Posted by Onely in Academic Alert!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: gender and sexuality, history of sexuality, michel foucault, sexuality and feminism, singles' sexuality, we're queer
19 comments
In my last post, I wanted to highlight how the pro-singles movement, in targeting and attracting women as its main audience and voice(s), risks inadvertently framing itself as gender-exclusive. This potential problem, in turn, runs against our feminist goals of countering dominant and oppressive ways of thinking and being. It should be clear, from this and other posts, that we hope to solicit more male voices into our conversations and advocacy work. While both Christina’s perspective and my own will necessarily be limited by our positions as women, we are also committed to our feminist perspectives, which motivate us to read against the (heteronormative) grain and to hopefully recognize and articulate the limitations of our positions.
But I’ve been noticing another limitation that see
ms to have fueled some of the debate — and misunderstandings — about why men seem less prevalent in the pro-singles blogosphere: In many of our conversations about gender (at least here at Onely and in our cross-posts at Quirkyalone), it seems to me that when we talk about the relationships between men and women (or lack thereof), we are assuming that these “men” and “women” we speak of are heterosexual. And if we assume that, then we aren’t doing much to forward our feminist goals, either.
Making this assumption is easy to do, especially when one (such as myself) identifies as heterosexual. (more…)
Singlism? Feminism? What gives? (Part One) December 12, 2009
Posted by Onely in Academic Alert!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, quirkyalone, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: feminism, gender, rosie the riveter rocks!, single men, singlism
15 comments
A few days ago, Christina examined the surprisingly singlist and sexist publicity blurbs for two seemingly pro-single books. She notes that the blurbs “[remind] us of how tightly anti-feminism is woven into anti-singlehood rhetoric.” And it’s true: Onely is grounded, at its heart, in feminist values and beliefs specifically because of this connection.
As we explain on our “About Onely” page, we see the fight against singlism as a feminist project in the sense that we question the oppressive perspective that normalizes a particular (sexual-social) practice — coupling — at the expense of those who remain single. We believe that the same sexist (and heteronormative) perspective that fails to value multiple gender and sexual identities also fails to recognize those of us who prefer living alone to coupling.
But another thing strikes me as equally interesting about this linkage: I wonder if it’s a mere coincidence that Rosie the Riveter’s message above could apply as much to women as it could to singles. (more…)
Should I Be Worried? July 23, 2009
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: casual dating, commitment, wedding ceremony dance, where-is-this-relationship-going
16 comments
So, I’ve been dating this guy — very casually (which is exactly the way I want it) — for the last two months or so. Today, he sent me this video, with the following message: “If I ever get married again [he’s been married before], it will be like this”
We haven’t had any kind of a serious “where-is-this-relationship-going-and-what-do-I-want” talk. So I’m curious, Copious Readers, what do you think he’s trying to tell me (if anything)? And how should I respond?
— L
Selfish or Spot On? The Single Person’s Registry July 21, 2009
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Food for Thought, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: marrying myself, sex and the city, single woman's registry, singles registries, too many shoes
27 comments
This summer, the topic of weddings has come up repeatedly here at Onely, and, since much of our discussion has centered on the negative aspects of the matrimonial tradition, it seems appropriate to conclude the season on a more positive note and consider the possibility of reclaiming parts of the tradition for ourselves.
If one decides not to wed, is it appropriate to throw a wedding for oneself?
In one memorable episode of Sex and the City, Carrie famously did. And some time ago, Christina found a company that specializes in the single woman’s registry. At a separate site, Halfbakery.com (a site for half-baked ideas?), someone suggested that the newly divorced create a registry where friends can buy all the goods that the ex took. (more…)
“Dear Quirkyalone”: Send Us Your Questions, Confusions, Complaints! July 13, 2009
Posted by Onely in quirkyalone, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: Advice!, email us!!!!, Living Single, quirkyalone, quirkyliving, send us your questions!!
4 comments
As we mentioned last week, Christina and I are going to be writing a weekly advice column for Quirkyalone, called “Dear Quirkyalone: All you ever wanted to know about quirkyliving, but were(n’t) afraid to ask.” Our first post will be published next Monday (cross-posted here and at QA), but we need your questions! If you’ve got questions about what it means to live Onely/Quirkyalone — or if you want advice about how to handle a tricky situation, please email us: onely [at] onely [dot] org.
And as an extra incentive, Sasha Cagen over at QA is giving away one free SIGNED copy of her book, Quirkyalone, to one lucky reader (drawn at random) who submits a question to us and leaves a comment here by/before Thursday, July 16th!
— L & CC
Quirkyalone News: Your Responses Requested! July 2, 2009
Posted by Onely in quirkyalone, single and happy, Singles Resource, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: giving advice, quirkyalone, singles advice
4 comments
We wanted to let all of our readers know that one of our favorite (and probably the first) “happy and single” blogs, Quirkyalone, has emerged after a short hiatus with a new, improved design and format (check it out!).
In fact, author/founder of the book, movement, and blog, Sasha Cagen, has decided to hand over some of the regular posting duties to a variety of contributors, including us! That’s right — we’ve agreed to write a weekly advice column, in which we’ll respond to quirkyalone (and even quirkytogether) questions and concerns.
We are terribly flattered that Sasha wants us to be part of the new Quirkyalone team (actually, we’re still trying to get over the shock of someone thinking we might actually have advice to give), but as we gear up for our debut, we need to get some content!
So, Copious Readers, Christina and I are hoping that you will pepper us with your questions and concerns about what it means to live quirkyalone (which, we find, is a pretty good synonym for Onely). If you think you can help get us started, please email us with your questions at: onely @ onely.org.
And, in case any of our readers are worried that we might be fleeing the coop, PLEASE rest assured: Onely will always remain our primary focus, and whatever posting we do at QA will also appear here.
Thanks in advance — we’ll notify you of our debut as soon as it happens!
— L & CC
PS — if you’re not on feedback overload, you might also be inspired to contribute to Bella DePaulo’s recent request for reader feedback (thanks, footloosefemails, for the heads-up)
The Sex Post, Part Deux: Dealbreakers May 26, 2009
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Dating, Food for Thought, sex, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: dealbreakers for single sex, hookups, InCel, involuntarily celibate, single and celibate
11 comments
Hi everyone,
Thank you for the many thoughtful and thought-provoking responses to my most recent post about the possibilities of having a sexual partner but making it clear that I want to remain unattached. It turns out that Bella DePaulo also published a sex post on her blog the same day about the many assumptions that are made about sex and the single person (thanks, Singlutionary, for noting our post on the comments over there!). One of the issues that has come up in previous comments on her blog, as well as in DePaulo’s most recent post (and comments from some of Onely’s regular readers), is the reality that many times, those of us who actually desire sex (and not all single – or married – people do) do not necessarily have it. Some call this being “Involuntarily Celibate,” or InCel for short. Which is exactly my status most of the time, when I don’t happen to know anyone who would be up for a little uncommitted rendezvous now and again.
So, this got me thinking about the many reasons I have (most of the time) for not actively attempting to hook up with friends, complete strangers, or the friend-of-a-friend. I’m the kind of person who notices when there’s a spark, and I’ve certainly had opportunities to pursue casual encounters, but most of the time (with this last weekend the rare exception), I simply don’t bother trying.
Because, you see, there are these dealbreakers that generally keep me InCel (some are for real; some are petty indeed): (more…)
Onely.Org 
How to Crash the Pity Party: YOUR RESPONSES REQUESTED April 27, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Everyday Happenings, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: annoying couples, annoying questions, are you dating anyone?, are you seeing anyone?, pity single people, rude comments to singles
25 comments
Back in March, Mishi commented on our post “Where’s your boyfriend? When are you getting married?”, but somehow Lisa and I didn’t see her great comment until just now. So we’re reposting it now and asking for our Copious Readership’s thoughts. She describes a scenario I have experienced many times over, and each time I’m equally befuddled:
Christina
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