Singlism or Sexism? You Decide April 2, 2010
Posted by Onely in Uncategorized.Tags: astronauts, change.org, China, family planning, myths about marrieds, sexism, single women
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Hi everyone —
Check out Christina’s latest post at Change.org, which is about singlism, family planning, and women’s ability to become astronauts.
— Lisa
Singles’ Advocacy Goes Mainstream–And Almost Gets It Right March 27, 2010
Posted by Onely in As If!, Great Onely Activities, Reviews.Tags: older single women, single weight loss, today show singles
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You don’t get much more mainstream than The Today Show, which featured an interview with filmmaker Jane Scandurra of the documentary “Single” and Lesley Jane Seymour of More magazine talking about the awesomeness of the 27 million (presumably U.S. American) single women, in particular those over 40. Yay!
Our Copious Reader Rachel flagged this great segment for us, and we’re thrilled to see our Onely principles espoused by influential and visible women in the mainstream media. In the interview, they talk about how “Anybody is not better than nobody” and “Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re alone or unhappy”. They say this with such enthusiasm, and as if these are the newest and most surprisingly wonderful ideas, which I guess to many people they are. So kudos to Today for tackling this topic. They acknowledge the problem of how react to the pitying “Awww” and “I know someone for you!” The video doesn’t present much information that will be new to most Onely readers, nor does it address the fact married people get all sorts of random legal rights that singles don’t, but it’s definitely entertaining and worth a watch.
But then. . .
Oy vey. . .
Immediately following the yay-singlehood segment, we see a Joy Fit Club story about an articulate, spirited, intelligent, attractive woman who was over one hundred pounds overweight. The story follows her heroic weightloss battle, which she won, losing 114 pounds! And how does the segment end? With our now-svelte heroine saying:
I’ve met a wonderful man, and hope to hear wedding bells in my near future.
And our two interviewers (the same ones who lauded Seymour and Scandurra’s single lives) squealing like stepped-on puppies:
OOOO We’re so excited!
Ok fine. But MSN has double-faulted: One, they’ve linked weight to attractiveness and attractiveness to singleness; and two, they’ve acted as if the natural, desired, and expected outcome of a successful life (represented in this case by a massive and impressive weight loss) is marriage. I applaud our heroine’s triumph in the dressing room and wish her luck in pursuing her personal dream of having a nuclear family, but I hope that Today’s next interviewee is someone who lost a hundred pounds then decided to build an orphanage-slash-observatory on the beach in New Zealand. Or something.
–Christina
Photo credit: Mer Incognito
Has Being Onely Made Me Clueless? March 22, 2010
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Heteronormativity, single and happy, Some Like It Single, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: good friends and chemistry, heteronormative logic, oblivious to good chemistry, single and happy
18 comments
Dear readers,
I am afraid that my life as a happy Oneler may have made me oblivious to the signs of chemistry that a “normal” person would generally notice. I’m not talking about overt sexual advances (eww), and I’m not wondering about a first date (easy enough to figure out in the long run). I’m referring, instead, to a close friend (I will call him George here for the sake of privacy) whom I have never thought of as anything “more than” a friend — probably because we were both coupled when we first met several years ago (hey, even though I’m happily single, I’m not immune to checking out attractive single men).
Over the past few years, mutual friends of ours have asked me if I’m interested in George, or they’ll wonder why we haven’t dated. Occasionally — and usually while under the influence — someone will insist that we belong together. But I always brush these comments off as silly heteronormative proclamations; after all, we are the same age and have similar professional interests and are often the only single people running around our common social circles. According to common heteronormative logic, single man + single woman = HELLO, couple!
As you might expect, I resist that logic. But this past weekend, several friends who had never met George, and who had never even met each other, happened to be in town for an academic conference (I will call them Tracy, Jenny, and Dave). On Saturday night, I invited everyone out to a local restaurant. The only local friend who showed up was George, and soon, I noticed, Tracy and Jenny were exchanging meaningful glances. We moved on to a bar downtown for a nightcap and took separate cars (George drove Jenny, and I drove T & D). In the car, Tracy and Dave told me it was obvious: George is “in love” with me. There is “so much chemistry,” they said. I shrugged it off — more heternormative nonsense. But at the bar, George sat close to me in the booth; our bodies kept making contact, and I kept thinking, this has never happened before, and neither of us are drunk. Maybe my friends are right — but how is it I’ve never noticed?
The conference is over. Not only have my friends left town (cheerful because they think they were right about George), but they have left me with a great deal of confusion: On the one hand, I think that my friends may have just been doing what so many coupled people (each of these friends happen to be married) want to do when confronted with two nice and attractive single people: hook them up! But on the other hand, my friends had never met each other before – they all noticed chemistry right away, without any prompting from me. So this gives me pause. And then I think about George himself, and I think about our friendship: Not only is he smart and funny, but he has always been quietly supportive (he was around but non-intrusive during a particularly dramatic breakup after I first moved to Louisville) and interested in my life. We never run out of things to talk about. And last summer, when I traveled alone to England and Ireland, he happened to be in Ireland at the same time as me, and I traveled with him and his family (mom, brother, and sister) for a few days. He is a genuinely kind person and a good friend, and I wonder all of a sudden why I’ve never “noticed” him, and I wonder if it’s because of Onely, because being coupled is not high on my priority list.
So I’m curious, Copious Readers, not about whether I should “do” anything about this (I’m pretty sure I won’t, for several complicated reasons), but rather, whether or not you think that having a Onely mindset makes you oblivious to possibilities that you may have otherwise entertained as a couple-oriented single adult. Or, alternatively, if you think that my friends are the clueless ones!
— Lisa
photo credit: zazzle
The Promised Butt-Post March 18, 2010
Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought.Tags: bicillin shot, butt injection, single medical care
17 comments
Yay, it’s so good to be writing again! I have missed Onely and our little blogger community! In my last post I promised to write about butts, and now I am. But I have to be careful how I tag this post, in order to avoid creating the kind of accidental pornography that has warped our Most Popular Posts lists, for example: “Hard Core Oneler: Dick Proenneke” and “Animal Sex.”
But this post isn’t about sexy airbrushed porn butts. It’s about my butt, and no amount of airbrushing will get the lumps out of these cheeks. Why? Because my butt has been getting shots of antibiotics. Thick cold serum. From needles the size of cocktail straws. Administered slow as molasses to mitigate the pain of pressurized tissues. Every third day. But the problem is (no, we still haven’t gotten to the problem yet) I cannot give these shots to myself, and sometimes the third day falls on a weekend when the doctor’s office is closed.
Before beginning the treatment, my doctor asked me, “Do you have a friend you can ask to give you the shots?” My question to you, Copious Readers, is do you have a friend whom you could ask to give you shots in the butt? Because my answer to the doctor was, “Hell no I don’t have any friend I can ask to give me a shot in the butt!”
I’m not sure whether I meant, “Hell no; I’m not close enough to any of my friends for that”, or “Hell no, I love my friends but wouldn’t trust them not to sever a nerve or burst an artery”, or “Hell no, I’m not showing my stretch marks to anyone who hasn’t had Gross Anatomy 101”. But in any case, the result was the same: I had to scrounge around to figure out how to get my weekend shots.
“Sometimes,” said the doctor’s office manager Maura (short for Mauron), “Our patients who don’t have anyone can find an Urgent Care facility that will administer the shot for them.” Oh no, I thought, I don’t have anyone.
If I had a significant other, I would be expected to ask him to give me the shot, and he would be expected to give it. Gladly. With no embarrassment or hem-hawing. Regardless of how solid, or not solid, the relationship might be in daily life. But in any other relationship the request “Please can you stick this needle in my heinie?” would be fraught with overtones–do I expect my friend to come to my house? Do I go to their house? Do they feel comfortable punching a needle through my skin and tissue? Seeing my stretch marks? My stretched-out undies? No, no, no, no, and no.
Turns out, my mom came to visit and administered my first weekend injection, making sure to stab me right where I’d asked the doctor to draw with a sharpie: X marks the spot and, subsequently, the golfball-sized lump of liquid and tissue. Moms are on tap for dirty work even more than significant others. But my mom returned to Michigan and I, because I don’t have anyone, found an Urgent Care facility to give me my other weekend shots. Problem solved? Well, mostly, except every now and then I worry who I will call if I fall and break my face.
Still, despite the occasional inconvenience, I like being single. I’m not going to cultivate a relationship just so I can have a shot buddy, just as I won’t install a sprinkler system on the off chance that my house will catch fire. Or something.
–Christina
photo credit: Steven Depolo
Neurotic or Not? You decide! March 1, 2010
Posted by Onely in Great Onely Activities, Just Saying., Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: bathroom habits, kittens and Kitties, leaving the door open to the bathroom, single with pets
18 comments
I am an incredibly private person when it comes to the bathroom. So private, in fact, that even though I live alone, when my dog is anywhere around the bathroom when I am about to use it, I make her either leave the room or close the door completely.
So, when Christina mentioned last week in an email to me that one of her cute new kittens SAT ON HER LAP while she used the bathroom, I was, quite frankly horrified. Here is the transcript of the email conversation that followed:
Me: “ewwww, i would SO never let an animal sit on my lap or anywhere near me while i was peeing!!! that’s so disgusting — definitely a Onely activity.”
Christina: “There is no ‘let’ with cats. If they want to sit on your lap when you are on the toilet, they just jump up there before I know it’s coming. This morning Theo used his claws to get leverage.”
Me: “it’s called SHUTTING THE DOOR to the bathroom!”
Christina: “huh? What is this door-shutting of which you speak? I believe I remember something like that from many years ago when I used to live with other people. . .”
I hate the thought of anyone (or any thing if you don’t think animals are people too) watching or listening to me while I’m on the toilet — which I realize might be understood as slightly extreme, but I’m okay with that because it’s better than the alternative — a dog sniffing my crotch or a kitten clawing my legs while I’m totally exposed and relatively helpless. But while I think Christina is totally crazy for being so open with animals, she thinks I’m strangely prudish.
We made fun of each other for a while, but it seems that neither of us can muster the rhetorical skills necessary to convince the other that she’s nuts… So, we’d like you, Copious Readers, to settle the debate: Who’s the neurotic one? Me, her, or somewhere in between (no hard feelings, we promise)!
— L
photo credit: EyalNow
Onely on Change.org: Single? Rent a Date! February 26, 2010
Posted by Onely in As If!, blog reviews, Everyday Happenings, Reviews, We like. . ..Tags: change.org, rent a date
3 comments
This is a lazy woman’s post! Here is a link to my Change.org post about Chinese singles paying people to pose as their significant others. At first glance, it’s a bad idea. It concedes and caters to the maladjusted majority opinion that people need to pair up. (Apparently I have alliteration disease tonight.) At second glance—haven’t you ever wanted to have a boyfriend or girlfriend for one particular event, like that time you were going to the Oscars and didn’t feel like walking down the red carpet alone under the scrutiny of all those pairing-obsessed paparazzi?
Or if date-renting singles aren’t your bag, you can go to the Take Action page on Change.org and find all sorts of petitions and letters you can add your name to. If anyone has an idea for a singles’-rights-themed petition, please let me know. Or go and create your own!
Lisa and I are sort of bumming because we’ve put a couple interesting links up on our Facebook pages, including the NYT article about how there are fewer men available to college women and a Change.org petition against American Apparel’s “best bottoms” contest, and no one really comments on them (except for my friend Nicole, yay Nicole!). But if someone changes their “status” to “in a relationship” then OMG EVERYONE COMMENTS RIGHT AWAY HOW EXCITING CONGRATULATIONS!
–Christina
Photo: AMagill
Pop Culture, Scourge of the Onelys, Part 3,452,272,61: Sarah Silverman Thinks Being Single Is “Weird” February 23, 2010
Posted by Onely in Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys.Tags: politically incorrect, sarah silverman, single comics
3 comments
Oh, Sarah Silverman.
You are a goddess of politically incorrect humor. You are the Venus de Mi-fuck-that-statue-I’m-farting-on-it. Your comic sensibilities might offend some, but I’ve always found your I-could-care-less happy-go-lucky attitude hilarious and empowering.
But apparently, while you can make fun of racists and religious nuts, you can’t handle being single: “This was the weirdest time being single…. it felt a little isolating.” And the paparazzi are glowing, now that you’ve found someone new: “Congratulations, Sarah, for cutting your single stint short.”
Is anyone else disappointed?
— L
The Anti-Valentine: Death Bear to the Rescue! February 14, 2010
Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, single and happy, We like. . ., Your Responses Requested!.Tags: breakups suck, crazy exes, Death Bear, Nate Hill, thelma and louise, war of the roses
11 comments
One issue that we rarely discuss here on Onely is the fact that, no matter how single-and-happy we are today, there was probably once a time when we were coupled. And then there was that time when we broke up.
And no matter how self-confident and happy you are, in or outside of a relationship, breakups inevitably suck.
But for many of us (myself included), it’s breakups that lead us Onelers to draw in our first (or second, or third) breaths of the fresh air of being single — and happy!
But moving from coupled-to-single status inevitably means experiencing pain and loss, and to ignore or deny that fact would be naive at best, and inhumane at worst. Enter Death Bear, who was recently featured on MSNBC. His real name is Nate Hill, and he’s a performance artist in Brooklyn who created Death Bear to collect and carry away people’s memories of the past, which manifest themselves as physical objects and elicit pain and loss in unexpected and sometimes debilitating ways. In his words:
Death Bear will take things from you that trigger painful memories and stow them away in his cave where they will remain forever allowing you to move on with your life.
In my mind, not only does Death Bear’s costume ROCK (Christina thinks he’s hot!), he is doing incredibly important, honest, pro-Onely work. He’s helping people confront the past while enabling them to move forward with their hopefully happy-and-single lives.
There are three breakups in my past that projected me meaningfully toward my current single-and-happy state: (more…)
Pop Culture, Scourge of the Onelys: This is … news? February 9, 2010
Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Food for Thought, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys, Singled Out.Tags: are all the students at UNC white like in the pictures?, college students and dating, misogyny is natural?, single women in college, UNC students should be angry
12 comments
This just in via the New York Times: Women outnumber men in college, and it’s affecting their dating lives.
Thank God for good reporting! Because without it, we wouldn’t know that women in college these days “often find it harder than expected to find a date on a Friday night” and must instead choose between “assert[ing] themselves romantically or be[ing] left alone on Valentine’s Day, staring down a George Clooney movie over a half-empty pizza box.”
Nevermind that “women are primarily in college not because they are looking for men, but because they want to earn a degree,” or that “Many women eagerly hit the library on Saturday night. And most would prefer to go out with friends, rather than date a campus brute.”
Nope, all that matters is our nostalgia for what used to be:
The loneliness can be made all the more bitter by the knowledge that it wasn’t always this way.
“My roommate’s parents met here,” said Mitali Dayal, a freshman at North Carolina. “She has this nice little picture of them in their Carolina sweatshirts. Must be nice.”
And please don’t concern yourselves with the fact all students at the University of North Carolina appear to be straight and white, and that the male students can’t seem to help their misogyny…! If anyone ever doubted that the media perpetuates stereotypes about gender, race, and sexuality, this story should shatter those doubts.
Copious Readers, what else irks you about this story?
— L
photo credit: Inju
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