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Pioneering Singles’ Advocate Dr. Bella DePaulo BlogCrawls onto Onely! September 26, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, Singled Out.
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23 comments

Happy Last Day of National Singles’ Week!!

final Singled Out TP coverYes, it’s the end of Unmarried and Single Americans Week, but don’t be sad! We’re going out with a bang! Today singles’ advocate extraordinaire Dr. Bella DePaulo relates some personal watershed moments when she realized she didn’t have to find a “Sex and Everything Else Partner” if she didn’t feel like it. One reason Onely hearts Bella is because she has coined some fabulous terms to describe the lopsided treatment of singles in society, including singlism (discrimination and prejudice against single people), matrimania (the myth of marriage as a cure for personal and social ills), and the much underused SEEPie.

How I Discovered that Living Single Was My True Happily Ever After

by Bella DePaulo

In seventh grade, on a break from class, best friends Maureen and Linda took turns walking slowly and deliberately, hands clasped at their waists. They were practicing the walk down the aisle. They also compared notes on their wedding dresses, the bridesmaids’ dresses, and who those bridesmaids would be. No, they were not getting married at age 12 – they were just fantasizing.

Even as a 7th grader, I found this strange. I just didn’t see the appeal of planning, or even thinking about a wedding. Turns out, I never would.

I have always lived single, and never yearned to live any other way. For a long time, though, I was puzzled by the disconnect between the way I liked to live, and the kind of life so many others seemed to wish for, and expected me to wish for, too.

I tried out several solutions to this. I had a bug hypothesis for a while – marriage was a bug, and I just hadn’t caught it yet. Eventually, it would get me. (Looking back, I’m now bemused that I did believe in a disease model all along – but the disease was marriage, not singlehood.) Then I tried out the long-distance version of the longing – maybe I’d like it if I had a long-distance relationship. That way, I could have my time and space to myself all week, and have a partner for the weekends. I thought about it, but I never felt it.

I don’t think there was a specific moment when I realized: I LIKE living single. This is who I am. It is not going to change.

To get to that point, I think I had to understand a bigger point – it is fine (good, even) to live the life that is most meaningful to you, even if your way is not the most conventional one. (more…)

Here Are The All Single Men! September 16, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought.
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9 comments

Ok, well *one* single man, anyway. Onely received the following thoughts from Matt when we called for input from single men. I am reposting Matt’s comments here because they segue nicely with our preceding QuirkyAlone post.

Single, 29-year-old man from Ohio here. I appreciate the consideration in asking for our input. Like many here, I’ve long found being single the most natural state for me, despite social pressures otherwise. I think part of it is that I’m very independent, and I find it hard to really be my own person in a committed, monogamous relationship. Trying to squeeze myself into the mold of 1/2-of-a-couple has always made me feel quite claustrophobic and contorted. Not that I don’t respect those who enjoy it… in fact I’ve spent most of my life trying to force myself to want that coupled state which society considers ‘healthy,’ despite the fact that it’s never felt right. Rather than initiating relationships and then dealing with drama, I generally just remain single.

Single, 35-year-old woman here. I identify with every single sentence, which speaks to the fact that the “satisfied single” experience is not necessarily all that different between men and women, even though men are underrepresented in public dialogs on the subject. I too find it hard to be my own person in a relationship–not necessarily because the relationship constricts me, but because I constrict myself. I am a giving person by nature, and I tend to give too much and not even realize I’m doing that, until I’ve bled out some key parts of myself and made some compromises I should not have made. Your standard committed romantic relationship brings out this tendency in me if I’m not careful. And usually, I am not careful.

I get mixed reactions. I face a lot of pressure from my family, as I am the youngest of 5 children, and all of the rest are married. No matter how clear I try to make it that I’m happy as I am, they seem to see it as simply a matter of time (and by now, I’m very tardy!) My good guy-friends, though relationship-cravers themselves, seem to be fairly accepting. For the most part I don’t really know what others think, because I generally don’t bring it up! (more…)

The Privilege of Living Alone September 9, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Just Saying., single and happy.
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31 comments

To our regular readers, it is obvious that one of the main reasons why Christina and I started this blog was to resist and subvert cultural stereotypes that flatten (in mostly negative ways) what it means to be single. Most of our concerns run in either one of two directions — either providing positive examples of people (ourselves or others) who are happily single, or providing examples (and then rebutting them) that illustrate the (dismaying) prevalence of negative assumptions about single people that continue to abound in our everyday lives.

Rarely, however, do Christina and I write about how being single might be understood as a privilege. The reason we rarely describe our lives in this way is because this would promote a value-system that suggests that people who prefer coupling are somehow less valuable than people who are single. We hope it’s clear that our point on Onely is not to promote single living to the detriment or exclusion of others — rather, we simply want to point out that our lives are valuable too — against all the negative stereotyping that goes on around (and about) us.

But I’ve got to admit: I really do think that living alone is a privilege.

(more…)

What if Married People Were Treated Like Singles? August 30, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought.
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5 comments

A previous version of this post originally ran on the excellent site Professor What If (PWI).  The Professor is now writing a different (but equally thought-provoking) blog analyzing the Twilight cultural phenomenon from a feminist perspective.  Check it out! You don’t have to be a Twilight fan to understand and enjoy it. And now, back to the music:

Lisa and Christina both identify as white, middle-class, heterosexual women who don’t mind being single. We’re tired of cultural stereotypes that suggest we’re not supposed to be happy with our “relationship status”. Really the only thing we’re unhappy about is that we don’t have all the same rights as married couples.  This discrimination is just plain silly when you consider that in the U.S., a majority of households are now headed by unmarried people. 

Therefore, below we’ve asked (and answered) a few “what if” questions to highlight the material, social, and legal restrictions habitually placed on adult singles, more often than not in favor of those who are married.

Note: We define “single” as anyone who is unmarried, including: coupled-but-not-married and domestic partners; anyone who identifies as GLBT and are either legally unable to marry or refuse the institution of marriage altogether; those who identify as polyamorous or asexual; divorcees and widowers; single parents; and, of course, anyone else who is just plain single. (When we refer to the social [as opposed to legal] stigmatization of singles below, we’re referring more specifically to anyone who is uncoupled.) And with all that said, now back to the music: 

What if married people were treated by the media, friends, and family like singles (in this case, uncoupled singles)? They would encounter statements such as:

  • “Don’t worry, you’ll get a divorce someday!”
  • “Oh, you’re married? I’m so sorry!”
  • “You’re so great – how come you’re still married?”
  • “It’s okay to be married for a while, but eventually you need to grow up and become single.”
  • “You’re so lucky to be married and not have as much responsibility.”
  • “But don’t you feel bad not having a life, seeing as you’re married?”
  • “When are you going to get a divorce?”
  • “It’s so sad having to come home to a house with someone in it all the time.”
  • “Well, I would’ve invited you to book group, except you’re married and I thought you wouldn’t want to be around all those happily single people.”
  • “What’s a beautiful woman like you doing married?”

What if married people were treated by the government as singles? They would have to: (more…)

CALLING ALL SINGLE MEN! August 28, 2009

Posted by Onely in Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts.
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25 comments

Ok, well not ALL single men. We want to hear from single-and-fine-with-it men. Please tell us: Why do you like being single (or why do you not dislike it)? How do people react to your single status? What difficulties do you have being a single man in a couple’s world (if any)? And most important–where do you go for information about being Onely and male? I ask because Lisa and I received an astute email from a male reader, who said:

I came across your website recently, and while I do find what you have written to be quite interesting it seems to be written by women for women.  I was wondering if you know of any blogs that take a similar intellectual tone, like the one found in your blog but focus on both a man and a woman’s perspective on being single.  Any links you could send me would be greatly appreciated.

Yay, he called us intellectual! (Obviously he has not been reading our series of nutsucking posts.) 

Onely does try to write about issues affecting both sexes–usually in the form of gripes about legal discrimination against unmarried people. We would love to cover more single men’s issues, but unfortunately Lisa and I just don’t know what it’s like to be a single man, and we haven’t been able to find a lot of (non-heteronormative) information on the topic. As our regular readers are no doubt aware, there is a dearth of writings by empowered, Onely single males–not only on this site, but throughout media and literature. A recent search on Amazon.com for [happy single men] returned: (more…)

Funny Friday: Please Don’t Promise Me Forever August 21, 2009

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, As If!, Dating, Food for Thought.
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6 comments

Welcome to the first intallment of our new Funny Friday series. Today we are looking at a 1976 Hallmark booklet, “Please Don’t Promise Me Forever“. The Rotating Corpse discovered and posted this gem, which explains how to have a happy relationship by following a series of directives beginning with “Please don’t. . .”  Rotating Corpse commenters seem divided on whether the text of the booklet is dickish or loving. I think either way it’s hilarious. What do our Copious Readers think?

The booklet shows a series of pictures of a couple wearing vests, elaborately knotted scarves, or poofy sleeves. The blond woman and mustachioed man are shot in various states of fun couple activities, such as wading in a stream, playing Monopoly, and staring soulfully over the side of a bridge, as if looking for their Pooh Sticks. Some of the advice is actually quite sensible. But mostly the reader–after she stops laughing–comes away feeling as if the pair has a somewhat sickly, passive-aggressive love.  Some key lines in the text are:

Please don’t promise me forever./ I want us to love each other one day at a time / Instead of trying too hard and promising too much.  (more…)

Great Onelers: Sylvia Williams of Temple Hills August 12, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought, Great Onelies in Real Time.
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2 comments

Yesterday the Washington Post had an article on Aging Well at All Ages. One of the four large faceshots on the front page of the Health section belonged to Sylvia Williams, 62, of Temple Hills. She is a counselor at Walker Mill Middle School. She says,

Being grateful and not trying to be a teenager again. Not trying to be younger than you are. It’s ok. And today’s my birthday. . . I’m single, no children and I guess that’s why I’m doing well.

Cheers to Sylvia.

Separately, I noticed how each of the photo captions mentioned three things about the person featured:  (more…)

“True Forced Loneliness” = Crazy, Creepy, and Sad Sad Sad! August 6, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought.
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45 comments

If you’ve been watching the news, you’ve heard about the tragic and unsettling shooting of three women at a Pittsburgh gym by George Sodini. And now the media is digging up all kinds of evidence that illustrates not only that Sodini was mentally ill (duh), but also deeply misogynistic (check out this excellent article from Jezebel). Indeed, Sodini apparently maintained a blog, two Web sites and even posted YouTube videos that substantiate just how much he hated women, and this other article (also from Jezebel) makes a convincing case for why/how we should understand Sodini’s actions, as well as other recent mass murders, as a hate crime against women.

And if you start digging, Sodini’s complaints – that women are to blame for why he led such a miserable life – parallel complaints made by other misogynists, such as Roissy in DC, and hate movements, such as the (literally insane) group, True Forced Loneliness. (more…)

Nature or Nurture? August 4, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Heteronormativity.
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14 comments

I’m always intrigued by the relationship between “nature” and “culture” — how much of what we do and think in a particular place and time has to do with “straight” biology (pardon the pun), and how much has to do with the power of cultural values? This, of course, is the driving question that motivates a lot of what we do here at Onely, and so when I came across this article, which seeks to explain male/female mating habits according to evolutionary and biological “facts,” I found myself wondering, how much of this “makes sense” because of cultural norms/values, and how much is actually viable, scientific reasoning?

Take, for example, the following — which seems totally logical:

In young men, the selfish gene seeks to spread itself far and wide, mostly because it often can (and with minimal investment of resources) — hence, the rakish male tendency to love ’em and leave ’em. Women, on other hand, tend to be more discriminating. They’re the ones who have to carry the baby around for nine months, then nurse it to independence. In women, the selfish gene prefers a mate with both the wherewithal and the resources to stick around and raise the kid.

Okay, I thought. There’s not much to dispute here. But then, I read the “translation”:

“Men will be looking for short-term uncommitted relationships, women will be looking for relationship commitment,” said Kruger. “These are the things that have driven evolution. … Because of different interests, women offer a sexual relationship in exchange for commitment, and men offer commitment in exchange for sex.”

See, the thing is, while this explanation makes “logical” sense, it also seems to perpetuate a stereotype about the seemingly “inherent” differences between women and men. But perhaps more importantly, this explanation doesn’t take into account the “fact” of what I would call cultural evolution — (more…)

Reality TV Idea #1: “I Complete Me” July 30, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Pop Culture: Scourge of the Onelys.
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9 comments

Hi everyone. Today, Jezebel alerted me to this EXCELLENT and highly entertaining video:

(Both Christina and I laughed hysterically and said “Oh my god, it’s SO TRUE!”)

The thing is, the Blogulator‘s got it right — for sitcoms and gender stereotypes, at least. But this got me thinking that we need a show that, instead of reversing the way married men and women are portrayed on TV, would subvert the way that singles are (most often) portrayed on TV — as desperate, lonely losers always struggling to find a mate. And where has television cornered the market on this portrayal of single people? That’s right — Reality TV! Take your pick — from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette (those old standards), to Rock of Love, More to Love, or a Shot at Love, to Blind Date (which, I’ll admit, is a personal fave), to Joe Millionaire, to Who Wants to Marry My Dad, and even Married by America — the basic premise of all these shows is that if you’re single, it’s time for an intervention!

So, Christina and I have decided to pitch our own Reality TV show, called I Complete Me. We don’t have any illusions that anyone will actually take us up on the offer (hell, there’s no way Fat Wife would make it), but just for kicks, here’s what we propose: (more…)