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Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride June 15, 2009

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, single and happy.
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34 comments

This past weekend, I was a bridesmaid for a friend’s wedding in St. Louis. This is the fourth time I’ve been a bridesmaid over the last eight years or so, and doing it made me think about the popular (American?) expression, “Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.” For those of our readers unfamiliar with it, the expression carries a highly negative connotation, suggesting that the woman (or person) in question hasn’t (or cannot/will not) fulfill her ultimate ambition in life — being a bride (for info on the origin of the expression, check out this link).

I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you, copious readers, how heteronormative and sexist the expression is, suggesting that a woman’s most impressive achievement will be her wedding day (!!). But I have started to think a lot about what it means to be a bridesmaid, especially as one of the co-writers of this blog. (more…)

Touching or Tacky?: Encounters With Couples June 5, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Your Responses Requested!.
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22 comments

On my trip to Michigan last week I was sorely tested by the gods of heteronormativity. They tried to tempt me into bopping three separate couples on the heads. Because doing so would have only reinforced the stereotype that Onelers are bitter couple-hating fiends, I did not bop the annoying pairs. But Copious Readers, judge for yourselves whether these three couples were Touching or Tacky: (more…)

Animal … Marriage? June 4, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, Just Saying..
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3 comments

By posting this, I by no means intend to poke fun at another culture’s beliefs or traditions — but I found this particular bit of news quite fascinating, especially in light of my most recent post about animals, sex, and heteronormativity. Who knew that frogs could be married … by humans? And that including them in the tradition of marriage would bring rain?

Enjoy! — Lisa

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Animal … Marriage?“, posted with vodpod

Animal Sex: What it can teach us about heteronormativity June 2, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, sex.
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9 comments

Last week, Christina and I posted about the wide range of sexualities/sexual drives that we experience as singles. We think it’s important to acknowledge our diversity as gendered, sexual beings because society tends to stereotype, undervalue — and oftentimes punish — single people when they have so-called “abnormal” sexual desires or lifestyles (ranging from wanting to have sex but not a relationship, for example, to feeling indifferent about sex altogether). The thing is, most of us probably grew up with our parents teaching us about the “naturalness” of sex — families more open about sex might tell us that “the birds and the bees” do it (within the confines of a monogamous relationship, of course), and the rest of us are told that babies are brought to happy, deserving (ie – married) couples by generous storks.

The thing is, nature isn’t exactly “natural” – at least not according to how we humans would define it. Indeed, looking at the truth about animal sex may help reveal the heteronormativity underlying much of what we’re taught about sex and sexuality as children. Let’s begin, as a case in point, with the female praying mantis, who eats her mate immediately after sex (hey, she needed some sugar to process all that sex!):

(more…)

Sex, So What? May 29, 2009

Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Dating, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, sex.
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26 comments

On the heels of  Lisa’s dealbreakers post that talked about Involuntary Celibacy (a term that we may define differently than others do), we wanted to discuss Indifferent Celibacy.  As Bella DePaulo said in her recent sex post ,

Those who simply care less – or not at all – about sex are marginalized by contemporary sexual norms.

I postulate that it’s easier to be happily single if you don’t care about sex. Just like it’s easier to be skinny if you don’t care about marzipan.

Of course, people will ask, “What kind of a repressed person doesn’t want marzipan at least once a month?” or “Don’t you know that inadequate intake of marzipan leads to intellectual and physical stagnation?”

But Freud is dead, people.

I am pretty indifferent to sex. (more…)

The Sex Post, Part Deux: Dealbreakers May 26, 2009

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, Dating, Food for Thought, sex, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.
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11 comments

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the many thoughtful and thought-provoking responses to my most recent post about the possibilities of having a sexual partner but making it clear that I want to remain unattached. It turns out that Bella DePaulo also published a sex post on her blog the same day about the many assumptions that are made about sex and the single person (thanks, Singlutionary, for noting our post on the comments over there!). One of the issues that has come up in previous comments on her blog, as well as in DePaulo’s most recent post (and comments from some of Onely’s regular readers), is the reality that many times, those of us who actually desire sex (and not all single – or married – people do) do not necessarily have it. Some call this being “Involuntarily Celibate,” or InCel for short. Which is exactly my status most of the time, when I don’t happen to know anyone who would be up for a little uncommitted rendezvous now and again.

So, this got me thinking about the many reasons I have (most of the time) for not actively attempting to hook up with friends, complete strangers, or the friend-of-a-friend. I’m the kind of person who notices when there’s a spark, and I’ve certainly had opportunities to pursue casual encounters, but most of the time (with this last weekend the rare exception), I simply don’t bother trying.

Because, you see, there are these dealbreakers that generally keep me InCel (some are for real; some are petty indeed): (more…)

The Sex Post! May 25, 2009

Posted by Onely in Dating, Food for Thought, Just Saying., Secret Lives of the Happily Single, sex, single and happy, Your Responses Requested!.
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15 comments

So, dear readers, as the title of this post suggests, I am going to write about being single, having sex, and remaining unattached. Some (like Australian blogger Brian at Fitzroyalty, who mentioned us in this provoking post a couple of months ago) might say that this post is long overdue, but I was waiting for inspiration, and I finally got it — in the form of a surprising hookup this last weekend with a guy I have known, through friends, for some time and who is recently single.

You see, I have not had sex for almost a year — not because I didn’t want to, but because I have been a) really busy with school, and b) unable to meet guys who were not only attractive, interesting to be around, and funny, but who also seemed like they would not assume that having sex meant we were dating seriously (yes, I realize how strange that sentence sounds — but trust me, guys over age 25 in my part of the world — especially academia — are surprisingly conservative in this regard).

So this last weekend’s adventure was a pleasant surprise, and although I like him, I am not interested in dating him (we were out with mutual friends, not on a date, this weekend). I am only interested in having a fun/casual relationship, and I am hoping that’s all he’s interested in too. Honestly, though, I have no idea how to find out, because, like a gentleman, my new friend has already been in touch and wants to see me again. (more…)

Traveling Solo, Tips and Tales (Part 3 of 3): Tips! May 21, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Singles Resource, solo travel.
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6 comments

Hi everyone,

After spending the past two posts enumerating some of the best and worst aspects of traveling alone, I figure it’s about time for some practical advice. So, to stoke your trip-planning imaginings, I am happy to present Part 3 of this three-part series:

Lisa’s Essential Tips for Traveling Solo: (more…)

Stay Married or Murder Mother Earth! May 13, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought, Just Saying..
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17 comments

imagesSo apparently singles are bad for the environment, according to this AP article and this RealConcepts blog post.

Households with fewer people are simply not as efficient as those with more people sharing

says ecologist Jianguo Liu at Michigan State, who analyzed the environmental impact of divorce.

images-1Per person, divorced households spent more per person per month for electricity, compared to a married household, as multiple people can be watching the same television, listening to the same radio, cooking on the same stove and or eating under the same lights.

Ok, so here are just some of the points that Liu doesn’t seem to consider:

Singles often generally use less space and smaller cars than married people. A married household may have one person doing laundry downstairs while another person watches TV upstairs. (If a single person can do laundry downstairs and watch TV upstairs at the same time, then their problems are way bigger than the dying planet’s.)  Multi-person households need bigger microwaves, bigger laundry machines. Lisa points out that “a single person may be willing to be cold or hot to save energy, which they can do because it won’t affect anyone else in the household”. Moreover, a single person who keeps their heat at a decent temp and gets energy star windows is going to expend less energy than a couple living next door who doesn’t.

(more…)

Men and Cats May 6, 2009

Posted by Onely in blog reviews, Food for Thought, We like. . ..
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6 comments

images1Studies have shown that women think pictures of attractive men holding babies  are even sexier than pictures of the men alone. But what’s waaay sexier than a man with a baby? Yes, a man with a CAT!  Thanks to Singular magazine for showing me the site Men and Cats.  According to a New York Times article, Crazy Cat Men are the latest thing. One of them, John Scalzi, explains why: “If you’re feeling insecure about your space in the world, you get a dog because he will always back you up. . . (but a man with a cat) is secure with himself. He’s sharing his space with a predator.”  

And what’s more attractive than someone who is confident about his space in the world? 

The stereotypes of men with cats–that they’re effeminate or eternal bachelors or whatever–and the arguments cat-loving (non-effeminate, non-eternal bachelor) men use to counter these stereotypes remind me of the dynamic of singlism and singles. We singles are regularly forced to defend ourselves against, or make excuses for, a status that is not inherently bad in the first place and which can actually be pretty honorable. Same with men and their cats. 

Full disclosure: I once briefly dated a friend who took care of my foster cat when I went on an extended trip. J soon decided that he didn’t want to see me anymore but oh, by the way, he’d like to permanently adopt Paws. A less noble foster mom might have said, “F no!” But the business of fostering is to find the kitties homes where they are loved. And so I have not seen Paws since then, except in fond memories. Nobility is overrated!

Copious Readers (except for our hetero male readers, sorry once again, Alan and Bobby), have you dated men with cats? Wish you had? Wish you hadn’t?  Who wants to meet Adam Fulrath   for a little midnight catnip?  ME! ME!

–Christina