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Nice Try, Nigeria August 28, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.
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And now, the latest installment in our Look What Google Barfed Up series: Allison McCarthy’s interesting Global Comment article about the efforts by the Nigerian government (specifically, the Bauchi Agency for the Control of HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, Leprosy and Malaria, pithily acronymed BACATMA) to prevent the spread of AIDS:

By marrying off HIV-infected singles to each other! Yes! Because as we all know, the primary vectors for the virus are single people, not dirty needles or the rape-happy Nigerian police (as described in the Amnesty International report cited by McCarthy). According to the Global Comment article:

Single men and women, coming to the agency’s doors as patients in treatment for HIV/AIDS, are viewed as the primary spreaders of the virus.   (more…)

Worldwide Onelers: China’s Taiko–Nots. August 3, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, solo travel.
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According to this BBC news article, Chinese taikonauts have to meet a series of criteria in order to go into space, including:

No Bad Breath!

No Body Odor!

No Scars That May Burst Open!

I understand the close confines of the spacecraft and fully support these criteria, having dated a guy with halitosis (though not, thank god, with exploding scars). But wait, there’s another requirement for taikonauts:

Your Spouse Must Approve!


Funny or Fucked Up? June 19, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought, Look What Google Barfed Up, YouTube Style.
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My sister sent me this video of comedian Louis C.K. “On Single People”.

Is he being sarcastic about the stereotype of the “worthless single soul”, to show that married people’s lives can be equally (or more) horrid than single people’s?  At first I thought so, because he certainly describes married life as terrible. He’s very self-deprecating about his status. So I laughed to hear him describe how I (for instance) could leave my obnoxious boyfriend with a phone call, but as a married man LCK would need hair bleach and a plane ticket to do the same thing. Because to an extent, that’s true.

However, I also believe that self-deprecation is actually a way of patting onesself on the back. (more…)

Friendshit June 17, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.
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imagesThere are two strains of singlism: Type A, where the singlist actively disses single people, and Type B, where the singlist doesn’t even know they are commiting an “ism”. This CNN.com blog post, by a woman who mourns the inevitable death of her single-girl friendships now that she’s coupled,  falls into the latter category. Yet somehow the author’s naivete doesn’t make the article any less horrifying–in fact, I would argue that her post is all the more horrifying because the assumptions she makes about single vs. coupled people are so insidious and (to her) unquestionable. She says she’s getting married a couple months, and:

. . . the days of “romancing” my friends — of luxuriating in their company all weekend long and most weekday evenings is (SIC) over. Given the choice — which, thankfully, I have now that my relationship is not a long-distance one — I’d rather spend most of my free time with my fiance. (more…)

Here Comes the Bra May 15, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Everyday Happenings, Look What Google Barfed Up.
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0013729e42ea0b749a101bNobody does bizarre like the Japanese. We already covered Japan’s rent-a-spouse concept and are pleased to see that they have made further strides in the love industry with the husband-hunting aka “konkatsu” bra!

Triumph publicist Keiko Masuda said of the bra, which features a self-set counter: “First you decide your target time or deadline until marriage and the countdown clock will start.

“Once you find your life partner and get engaged, you have to insert the engagement ring into the slot and the clock stops and The Wedding March begins.”

I had to read that yahoo news snippet three times, plus several other iterations from different articles, before I understood the bra. Allow me to interpret for you: the bride-wannabe sets a timer on the bra for the date or time (unclear) when she wants her fiance to propose. The timer is a clock that ticks down like a bomb in a James Bond movie. If the guy proposes before the digits hit zero, he can take the ring and stick it in the pink slot (subtle, subtle) between the bra cups to cause the Wedding March song to play. Here’s a video with demo. As you would imagine, it’s completely unsexist and inoffensive. 

“But what if he doesn’t propose?” you might well ask. “What if the time runs out? What happens then?” That’s the odd thing. None of the articles I read explained what the bra does if no one sticks a ring into it before the deadline. The yahoo piece said it “resets” automatically. But what song does it play? Or does a horrendous screeching buzzer go off like the sound of old maids screaming as their starving cats maul them? Does it reset for the same amount of time originally chosen, or shorter, putting on the pressure because you’re not getting any younger?

Kudos to any Copious Readers who can find out what happens if the man doesn’t propose! Other than that the woman turns into a pillar of cat food.


I ♥ My Marriage T-Shirt – and that’s not even the news! March 18, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.
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0316093marriage1Nope, we’re not kidding about this one. First, there’s the T-shirt:

The “I ♥ My Marriage” shirt was a promotional item tied to the 2008 movie “Fireproof,” a Christian-themed film starring Kirk Cameron. The movie, a hit in evangelical circles, centers on a fireman’s religious awakening and his simultaneous effort to save a failing marriage.

And then there’s the “news”: (more…)

Nuts and the City: or, Porn and the Single Surfer March 9, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Bad Onely Activities, Food for Thought, Great Onely Activities, Look What Google Barfed Up, Secret Lives of the Happily Single.
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Have you ever been happily blogging away, without a care in the world, and then accidentally created pornography? This happened to me.  When Onely was a younger blog, I wrote my post about how, in my secret life as a happily single person, I like to suck the salt off of nuts and then put them back in the can. In my naivete, I coined the term nut-sucking as an abbreviation for this hobby.

Soon Lisa, who was monitoring our blog stats, discovered that in addition to people finding us by searching for  “rant single people marriage”; “single and happy”; “retort when are you getting married”; “how to stop wanting to be married”; and (my favorite) “when men are confused”;  readers also were finding us through searches for “nut sucking”  and charming variants, such as “women sucking men’s nuts.” (more…)

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