Seeking Sexy, Celibate Seniors November 12, 2009
Posted by Onely in blog reviews.Tags: better than I ever expected, joan price, senior sex, single seniors, unpartnered
12 comments
One of Onely’s favorite blogs, Better Than I Ever Expected, is looking for unpartnered seniors who want to talk about their experiences with sensuality and sexuality. I hope that some of our Copious Readers–both male and female–fit this demographic and will contact blogger Joan Price as described below. In my opinion, her blog about senior sexuality is very very very important from a feminist perspective. The beauty, news, and entertainment industries do their best to tie female sexuality to female youthfulness, a link which we need to uncouple (heh). As women have gained more power in the workforce and a greater ability to support themselves, they’ve also gained more sexual freedom. Any attempt to limit women’s sexual freedom is an attempt also to restrict the women’s equality movement. Which is why historically patriarchal establishments such as the mass media attempt to limit women’s sexual expression by tying sexuality tightly to youth and implying that to have a full, satisfying sex life, you must be or look young (read: naive, less powerful). Here’s what Joan says about her latest project that deconstructs the stereotypes of senior sex, and here’s your chance for your (senior) voice to be heard:
Seeking Sexy, Celibate Seniors
Are you 50 – 80+, feeling sexy and enjoying your sensuality, yet celibate and unpartnered by choice? I’d like to interview you by email for my new book, Naked at Our Age. (more…)
Shared Email Addresses: Convenient or Claustrophobic? November 9, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought.Tags: couple communication, marriage myth, shared email address, single and independent
11 comments
I have some friends who share an email address with their spouse. I also have some friends who keep their own email address after they get married. I don’t see any big ideological, political, cultural, or background differences between these two groups. So why do some people merge their accounts when they tie the knot?
Full disclosure: my parents share an email address. This is convenient when I want to announce my Christmas Wish List to both of them. It’s claustrophobic when I want to scheme with my dad about what to get for my mom, or vice versa.
I think in general I’m going to have to come out against shared email accounts. If one of my girlfriends has been complaining to me on the phone about her husband, I have to make sure I don’t reference our conversation in an email to her because he might open it instead. Claustrophobic. The merging of accounts is also an uncomfortable metaphor for the merging of lives. Sharing an email account is Total Openness. Her contacts become his contacts; his messages become hers. Nowhere does real life present such total fungibility in a relationship, except in our culture ‘s mythology of marriage as being totally open, a complete sharing. This myth sets all couples up for disappointment and frustration, and sharing an email account just reinforces that myth that two people can become one.
Copious Readership, what are the plusses and minuses of sharing email addresses? Have you ever shared an email address with a sig-other? Do you know people who do?
–Christina
Fort Hood Shooter: Crazy, Cranky, Creepy–and Unmarried November 6, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!.Tags: fort hood shooting, hasan nadal single, npr fort hood, single men stereotypes, washington post fort hood
4 comments
US Army Major Malik Nadal Hasan was obviously insane. He may have been isolated. He was rumored to be a possible religious fanatic who may have posted inflammatory remarks on the internet. At best, he’s been remembered as an unlikeable man. Nidal Hasan seems to have had many, many black marks on him. But when the news media list his flaws–his two dozen victims, his lack of friends, his FBI investigation, his supposedly dour personality, his general unhappiness–they always mention “unmarried” in there too. Or maybe “unmarried, with no children.”
When The Washington Post quotes his aunt, they have to stick in a mention of unmarriedness because the aunt didn’t do it for them:
Hasan “did not make many friends” and “did not make friends fast,” his aunt said. He had no girlfriend and was not married. “He would tell us the military was his life,” she said.
An NPR broadcast this evening said that Hasan “. . . was not happy. He was unmarried. . .” and then went on to describe his quest to find an appropriate wife. (His dating life was somewhat thwarted as he searched for a wife who prayed five times a day.)
His single status is being given as much weight as his discontent with the U.S.’ military policy in Afghanistan and Iraq; as much weight as his exposure to traumatized patients’ terrible stories; and as much weight as his general non-sympaticoness. That is cheap, wrong, and disrespectful to the Fort Hood victims and their loved ones.
–Christina
P.S. Lisa points out that in the Extrapolation Mania, the fact that he’s Muslim (not just the rumors of his extremism) is being touted as an indicative factor too, which makes about as much sense as touting his unmarriedness: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8347586.stm
P.P.S. Here’s another example of people adding his unmarried status to a list of (ostensible) negative traits. It’s in response to a Psychology Today post by Dr. Mark Goulston, where he says (and I agree) that Hasan was not inherently evil–he was sick and therefore did an evil thing:
Submitted by Anonymous on November 10, 2009 – 10:04pm.
While you are formulating your thoughts on the Fort Hood Killer this Dr. Goulston, spend some thoughts on this–Nidal Hasan probably had Asperger’s syndrome!
He was a loner. He couldn’t even get married though his culture has been known to arrange marriages. Very low on Social skills.
He claims he was bullied.
His need for routine led him to a military career.
He was judgmental and quick to criticize others who break “the rules”.
HIS obsession with his religion was probably like some Asperger’s syndrome patients’ fascination with bus schedules, small machines, etc..
When his military rules ( obey your superiors) came crashing into his religious rules ( you do not go to a Muslim country and kill other muslims on behalf of the “infidels”), he could not handle it and exploded with violence.
Honorary Oneler Couples November 3, 2009
Posted by Onely in Great Onelies in Real Time.Tags: couple friends, single friends
1 comment so far
Today we’re knighting two of my coupled friends as Honorary Onelers. I’m giving these friends the award because they have defied the common image of couples who ditch their single friends.
First, to my friend F:
Despite having a full-time job and three children under two years old, you still managed to read my nine-page essay and give me supportive feedback on it. Your kind words fortify me against the onslaught of rejection letters I hear thundering over the horizon. You have more than enough excuses to bury yourself in your coupled life as people so often do, but you don’t. You always sound happy to hear from me when I call–in fact, you reach out to me more often than I do to you. You even (somewhat foolishly?) asked for a sequel to my first essay. I hereby declare you an Honorary Oneler.
Also, to my friend J:
It was the weekend of your second wedding anniversary, but you brought your husband on a ghost tour and corn maze combo outing I had planned some other friends. I would have completely understood if you wanted to go on a romantic camping trip, but instead you walked around Leesburg listening to the tour guide talk about “residual and sentient” spirits, and you hung out with us at a haunted bar afterward, and then you and your husband left after midnight to go continue your camping trip, armed with flashlights and fortitude. I hereby declare you both Honorary Onelers.
Copious Readership, which of your coupled friends would you knight and why?
–Christina
Phob-cabulary November 2, 2009
Posted by Onely in Look What Google Barfed Up.Tags: anuptaphobia, fear of being single, fear of marriage, gamophobia, social phobias
2 comments
Anuptaphobia
fear of remaining single
Gamophobia
fear of marriage
Can we count on our Copious Readers to use these words henceforth when discussing issues of single’s rights and the marriage mythology? = ) (It’s an amazing but sadly unsurprising fact that, after 1.5 years of blogging on WordPress, I still don’t know how to insert the yellow smiley-face icon.)
–Christina
Source: Haigh, Gideon. The Uncyclopedia. MJF Books, New York. 2004.
Excuses, Excuses… October 31, 2009
Posted by Onely in single and happy.Tags: excuses, nanowrimo
5 comments
Hi everyone —
It’s Christina’s long-lost co-blogger, Lisa! I know I’ve been out of touch, and unfortunately it’s looking like I must continue to be until the whole series of doctoral exams are over. I’ve survived one, and the next is next week, and the final one will be at the beginning of December. Then — and only then — will I be able to regain my life and finally get back to Onely.
So, if you’ve noticed that I’ve been gone — and the posts are a little less frequent — that’s why. Christina says that she’s got a few more posts up her sleeve, but she’s participating in National Novel Writing Month (times TWO — this month it’s nonfiction, she tells me, and in December she’s going to do fiction — WOW) — so we won’t have more than a post a week from now through the holiday season. However, I feel confident that by January, we’ll be back to the frequent posting habits that I’m sure you all have come to expect from us — and we’ll also be more “present” in the rest of the blogosphere at that time.
Meanwhile, I want to publicly say THANKS to Christina for staying on top of this — and HI to all of our wonderful copious readers — I can’t tell you how much I am ready for this stage of my work to be finished and to get back to the blogosphere!
Cheers,
Lisa
How to Pop the Progressive Bubble? October 29, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Food for Thought.Tags: 107.3 wash FM, complacency, singles stereotypes
12 comments
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Sometimes Lisa and I become complacent. We begin to think that maybe singlism isn’t so pervasive and prevalent. We stop doing as many blog entries. We forget why we started Onely in the first place. This fault is yours, Copious Readers! Because the vast majority of our commenters are so forward-thinking about singles’ issues, Lisa and I begin–mostly unconsciously–to think that by extension all of the blogosphere, and all of the world, must also contain a high percentage of people who think being single is fine, maybe even desirable. We begin to believe that most people recognize the privilege gap created by the institution of marriage and would change it if given the opportunity.
Last Thursday morning 107.3 Wash FM’s Jack Diamond Morning show smacked me back to reality. I can’t remember the details or find a direct link to the show (yes, this is how most of my anecdotes start!), but I remember driving into work with my mouth hanging open as the broadcaster talked about a single friend of his who needs a girlfriend. The speaker laid out several stereotypes one after the other, including mentions of his friend sitting home alone because the bar scene is yucky and sad. These images were dropped casually into the conversation as if instead of discussion points, they were inalienable facts: obviously it’s better to be at home with someone that at home alone, and obviously if you’re single the only place to go is to the bar to drink your sorrows away with other single people drinking their sorrows away. Upon hearing this, I realized afresh how insidious singlism is, how awash with almost-invisible and seldom-articulated presumptions.
I called up Lisa that morning to remind her that Onely is a bubble of positive singles’ energy and advocacy–perhaps too bubbly. Even though we do our share of griping, the fact that so many commenters share our gripes and provide support and suggestions for dealing with singlism lulls us into a false sense of security.
How can we pop this bubble? How can we integrate more into the wider (and less singles-friendly) world? I have a couple ideas: I’d like to interview some people who might have radically different social views from Onely, like a conservative Christian preacher, or (as the makers of Seeking Happily Ever After did) the hostess of a sexist reality show. I also want to start blogging more in our “Take Action” series, which flags opportunities for us and our readers to educate community leaders about singles’ issues. I might provide addresses and form letters for re-educating (this word makes me feel very Cultural Revolutionish but oh well) politicians, companies, advertisers, and moviemakers (Ahem, Slum Dog) who present offensive material.
Copious Readership, do you feel bubbled and if so, what are your ideas for bursting out?
–Christina
What’s Wrong With Wanting to be Unsingle? October 22, 2009
Posted by Onely in Dating, Food for Thought.Tags: hate being single, like being single, reasons for wanting soulmate
15 comments
My friend doesn’t want to be single. She has weighed the pros and cons of being single as they relate to her current situation, and she has decided that (her perceived) cons of being single outweigh the pros. Does this mean that she “can’t be alone” and ought to cultivate that ability? If so, then wouldn’t it be equally (in)accurate to say that *I* “can’t be in a couple” and ought to cultivate that ability?
Should we respect people who *don’t want to* be single–even if they bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship? Isn’t it their choice? Aren’t they choosing what, to them, is the less painful path? To me, being in a bad or so-so relationship is worse than being single, but to them, being single may be worse than being in a bad relationship. Can we categorically say that one choice is better than the other?
In this day, age, and world, being unsingle or “seeking” to become unsingle is the status quo, the accepted denominator, the commonly understood goal, praised as an accomplishment–all in all, it’s probably the easy road (until your wife starts beating you or your husband cheats). Maybe we tend to disrespect people who “want someone” (ie., don’t want to be single) because it seems as if they’re taking the easy way out. But do we really understand their reasons for trying to change their status, in the same way that they often don’t seem to understand our reasons for being satisfied singles?
If someone wants to become unsingle (and they haven’t met someone in particular), I think it’s important for them to articulate to themselves *why* they want a (unspecified) partner. Because it seems easier? Because they think they’ll feel more fulfilled? Less bored? Safer? More able to provide for their children? Or because it seems “the thing to do”?
And even if their reasons seem stupid to us, can we say with moral impugnity that they’re misguided? I’m sure my reasons for currently preferring singlehood–I like to sleep with the light on; I don’t want people around when I’m sick; my hobbies take up all my time–seem stupid to some people.
Also, I have a certain idea in my head about what hang gliding is like. I’ve seen movies of hanggliding, and it looks exhilarating and silent and swooshy. (Bear with me; I’m getting to a point here.) I want to go hang gliding because–because it seems as if it would add something to my life, give me some good memories, and make me feel good. Realistically, it might also break my bank account and every bone in my body, but I’m not thinking about that–I still want to go hang gliding.
Is this how my unhappily single friend’s yearning for a CREAP similar to my yearning for hang gliding? If so, who’s to say which one is better?
Copious Readers, do your friends have good, specific, or interesting reasons for wanting to become unsingle? Should we judge them? (Oh yes, it’s fun to judge them, but should we?)
–Christina
Note: In this post I’m talking specifically about pursuing a CREAP for the sake of having a CREAP. If I or my friend were to stumble across Mr. Apparently Perfectly Right, then we would probably at the very least have to reevaluate our pros and cons. Also, I know that the acronym seems somewhat charged to the negative, but it’s a handy acronym, and also I think a little negative charging in this couple-crazed world won’t hurt anything.
P.S. Thanks to The Truth About Mating for getting me thinking about this topic.
Secret Lives of the Happily Single: Parents’ Edition October 19, 2009
Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Great Onely Activities, Secret Lives of the Happily Single.Tags: benefits of being unmarried, like about being single, private time, secret single habits, single parents
2 comments
Welcome to the latest installment in our SLOTHS series, where we explore the Secret Lives of the Happily Single and celebrate their enlightened idiosynchrasies!
Lisa and I write a lot about the specific instances in our daily lives when we are grateful to be single. Often a banal moment such as not having to rinse out the laundry detergent lid will trigger a flood of endorphins. I get almost weepy with happiness at night when it’s time to go upstairs to my cozy peach-and-blue bedroom for my nighttime wind-down. I love sitting on my full bed and futzing around with my novel, or tearing articles out of New Scientist, or doing forward bends, without someone scurrying around in my periphery.
But what if I were a single parent? I’d have a small scurrier around all the time. Lots of the things I like about being single now–having my quiet time, eating whenever and whatever I want, sleeping from 2 am to 11 am on Saturdays, watching Corey Feldman dance on YouTube–are impossible or irresponsible if you have kids. Yet I’m sure that there are Onely parents out there, and they must have their own beloved SLOTHSy habits that they would miss if they ever coupled up.
I’ve been trying to think which of my SLOTHSy proclivities I would be able to keep if I had kids. I suppose it depends on their age, whether they’re in school, how many hours I have to work, and so forth. But no matter what, I’d still have to do laundry, and I’d still rejoice at not having to rinse out the detergent bottle cap. I’d also like not having someone else to tell me how to raise my child (“Are you crazy? Don’t let them watch that Corey Feldman video!”).
Copious Readers, if you are a single parent, we want to hear from you what you like about being single and a parent. And if you have things you don’t like about being single and a parent, we want to hear those, too.
–Christina
P.S. How adorable is this baby sloth picture I found? Check out Kirsten Hubbard’s Wandergirl blog, where every week she posts a picture of a baby animal!
And we thought the U.S. government was obsessed with marriage! October 17, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.Tags: malaysia free honeymoons, saudi terrorist rehabilitation
7 comments
Felicia Strehmel, "Open Mind"
The U.S. government gives married couples over one thousand rights that singles don’t receive. I used to think this was matrimaniacal (perpetuating the misguided notion that marriage is unequivocably beneficial for individuals and society). But now I see that matrimania is all relative.
The Malaysian government is giving away free honeymoons to encourage troubled couples to stay together and avoid divorce, which according to Malaysian government official Ashaari Idris has “serious implications on society.” Idris works for the northeastern state of Terengganu, a tourist beach mecca with many island resorts. Couples can apply for a two-night stay at one of these resorts; the process includes an interview in which, I imagine, the pair details their relationship difficulties and how a weekend on the beach would help them:
“If I could just walk with him hand and hand along the sunny strand, I wouldn’t care that he doesn’t listen to me.”
“I’m sure that after we come back from the seaside, she’ll want to have my mother over for dinner more often.”
If I were a single Malaysian, I’d be standing at the desk of some Terengganu official, trying hard as hell to capitalize on this offer too:
“My relationship with myself hasn’t been great lately. I think I need to wade in the surf and reconnect with my core being.”
or
“As a single person, I naturally have very low self-esteem, which has serious implications on society. If I could only go sit in the sun and soak up a sense of self-worth, I won’t end up shooting from a belltower and in fact I might even start having goods-consuming babies.”
And just when I was thinking Malaysia was pretty matrimaniacal, look what Google barfed up: the Saudi government is giving away free wives to rehabilitated terrorists. Historian and writer Robert Lacey visited a terrorist rehabilitation center in Riyadh where he learned that the Ministry of the Interior will buy wives for (supposedly) reformed terrorists, at the cost of sixty thousand Riyals (around US$18,000) each. That’s how much faith the Saudi government has in the power of marriage to make people better!
Discussion questions: Copious Readership, can a weekend on the beach repair a fraying relationship? Can having a wife keep a terrorist from going out at night with the boys to blow things up? Is there merit to these efforts at all?
Additional discussion question (non-rhetorical, per Rachel’s comment below): Does anyone have other examples of matrimania in different countries? Does the matrimania of countries other than the U.S. make the US’ matrimania look less bad, or does it make the U.S. look even worse? Regarding the latter, I think that for the U.S. to offer over 1,000 legal rights to married people at the expense of singles is almost *more* insidiously matrimaniacal than the Saudi government’s wife-selling ideas, because at least the Saudis don’t pretend to have a culture of sexual equality and freedom for all.
Christina
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