Singlism? Feminism? What gives? (Part One) December 12, 2009
Posted by Onely in Academic Alert!, Food for Thought, Heteronormativity, quirkyalone, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: feminism, gender, rosie the riveter rocks!, single men, singlism
15 comments
A few days ago, Christina examined the surprisingly singlist and sexist publicity blurbs for two seemingly pro-single books. She notes that the blurbs “[remind] us of how tightly anti-feminism is woven into anti-singlehood rhetoric.” And it’s true: Onely is grounded, at its heart, in feminist values and beliefs specifically because of this connection.
As we explain on our “About Onely” page, we see the fight against singlism as a feminist project in the sense that we question the oppressive perspective that normalizes a particular (sexual-social) practice — coupling — at the expense of those who remain single. We believe that the same sexist (and heteronormative) perspective that fails to value multiple gender and sexual identities also fails to recognize those of us who prefer living alone to coupling.
But another thing strikes me as equally interesting about this linkage: I wonder if it’s a mere coincidence that Rosie the Riveter’s message above could apply as much to women as it could to singles. (more…)
Pioneering Singles’ Advocate Dr. Bella DePaulo BlogCrawls onto Onely! September 26, 2009
Posted by Onely in Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts, Singled Out.Tags: bella depaulo, happily ever after, Living Single, Singled Out, singles blog crawl, singles' rights, singlism
23 comments
Happy Last Day of National Singles’ Week!!
Yes, it’s the end of Unmarried and Single Americans Week, but don’t be sad! We’re going out with a bang! Today singles’ advocate extraordinaire Dr. Bella DePaulo relates some personal watershed moments when she realized she didn’t have to find a “Sex and Everything Else Partner” if she didn’t feel like it. One reason Onely hearts Bella is because she has coined some fabulous terms to describe the lopsided treatment of singles in society, including singlism (discrimination and prejudice against single people), matrimania (the myth of marriage as a cure for personal and social ills), and the much underused SEEPie.
How I Discovered that Living Single Was My True Happily Ever After
by Bella DePaulo
In seventh grade, on a break from class, best friends Maureen and Linda took turns walking slowly and deliberately, hands clasped at their waists. They were practicing the walk down the aisle. They also compared notes on their wedding dresses, the bridesmaids’ dresses, and who those bridesmaids would be. No, they were not getting married at age 12 – they were just fantasizing.
Even as a 7th grader, I found this strange. I just didn’t see the appeal of planning, or even thinking about a wedding. Turns out, I never would.
I have always lived single, and never yearned to live any other way. For a long time, though, I was puzzled by the disconnect between the way I liked to live, and the kind of life so many others seemed to wish for, and expected me to wish for, too.
I tried out several solutions to this. I had a bug hypothesis for a while – marriage was a bug, and I just hadn’t caught it yet. Eventually, it would get me. (Looking back, I’m now bemused that I did believe in a disease model all along – but the disease was marriage, not singlehood.) Then I tried out the long-distance version of the longing – maybe I’d like it if I had a long-distance relationship. That way, I could have my time and space to myself all week, and have a partner for the weekends. I thought about it, but I never felt it.
I don’t think there was a specific moment when I realized: I LIKE living single. This is who I am. It is not going to change.
To get to that point, I think I had to understand a bigger point – it is fine (good, even) to live the life that is most meaningful to you, even if your way is not the most conventional one. (more…)
Heeere Comes the. . . Single Wedding Guest? July 9, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Guest Posts.Tags: heteronormative, single women, singles at weddings, singlism, solo travel, wedding guests
27 comments
Onely likes guest posts by other writers who think about singles’ issues. The views expressed in our guest posts may or may not reflect Onely’s views, but we are always interested to hear from other singles advocates. Today’s post is by Autonomous, a regular reader and insightful commenter at Onely:
Wedding season is in full swing again, and the invitations are starting to arrive. While fewer in number the older I get, it seems to me that couples marrying for the first time in their 30’s to early 40’s have more grown-up tastes, more money to spend, and thereby the cost of attending their nuptials is more expensive as well. Unless someone quite close to me is marrying, job and finances necessitate I be selective about which events I can attend. The ones I do say yes to become my vacation for the season given the commitments of money; travel; time off work.
The most recent invite was not on parchment stationary and addressed to me personally, as in the traditional “Ms. — and Guest.” Rather, it arrived in the form of a bulk e-mail explaining travel tips to Napa wine country, providing a list of accomodations in the area, and offering a wine tour. The lodgings ranged from high-end cheap, to posh and very spendy. Going with the least expensive ($140/night- min. 2 nights) was a no-brainer. I began tallying the other anticipated costs: gas, pre-road-trip auto service just to be safe, and dining/groceries for several days, maybe a new pair of shoes. Of course, the wine tour must be factored in, because why drive 5 hours to wine country and not really enjoy myself? (more…)
Friendshit June 17, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.Tags: cnn.com, single girl friendship, single women, singlism, weddings
9 comments
There are two strains of singlism: Type A, where the singlist actively disses single people, and Type B, where the singlist doesn’t even know they are commiting an “ism”. This CNN.com blog post, by a woman who mourns the inevitable death of her single-girl friendships now that she’s coupled, falls into the latter category. Yet somehow the author’s naivete doesn’t make the article any less horrifying–in fact, I would argue that her post is all the more horrifying because the assumptions she makes about single vs. coupled people are so insidious and (to her) unquestionable. She says she’s getting married a couple months, and:
. . . the days of “romancing” my friends — of luxuriating in their company all weekend long and most weekday evenings is (SIC) over. Given the choice — which, thankfully, I have now that my relationship is not a long-distance one — I’d rather spend most of my free time with my fiance. (more…)
Onely Commits Two Singlisms in One Day March 26, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Bad Onely Activities, Everyday Happenings.Tags: chips and dip, single homeowner, single hostess, singlism, trader joe's
13 comments
OH NO! Onely committed singlism twice in one day!
The first time was in Trader Joe’s:
“My writing group’s coming to my house for the first time tomorrow, so I’m shopping for really great snacks,” I told one of the staff with whom I’m pretty friendly. “I’m nervous because they all have these big, clean, decorated houses and I have. . . well, not to stereotype,” (and so you know I’m going to go ahead and stereotype) “but I live in a single girl townhome.” (more…)
On a (Few) Positive Note(s)… February 24, 2009
Posted by Onely in single and happy, We like. . ..Tags: askmen.com, dining alone, discrimination against single men, etiquette and expectations, LEO Weekly, louisville ky, marsha lynch, positive notes, singlism
4 comments
OK, so we know that our readers love us for our witty and (sometimes) snarky prose that aims to raise consciousness about our (unnaturally?) HAPPY lives as singles. And we know ya’ll love us for exposing and resisting the difficult position singles are often put in by heteronormative cultural and traditional assumptions and practices.
BUT — for a change of pace, Christina and I are happy to report on two positive representations of singles in the media that we noticed recently:
MEA CULPA: Onely Commits Couplism February 18, 2009
Posted by Onely in Bad Onely Activities, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought.Tags: couplism, nintendo, scottish society of paranormal investigation and analysis, singlism, SSPIA, wii
22 comments
Hailes Castle Confessional, from SSPIA
Bless me, Copious Readers, for I have sinned. I have committed egregious acts of couplism and heteronormativity, of the kind that we here at Onely love to decry and make fun of when they are committed against us.
A security officer at my work, whom I knew to be divorced, was telling me about how his daughters got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas and how they spent his day off playing with it. I made some comment about how his girls won’t want to go home now–because I was assuming that they were staying at his house on vacation and lived with their mom the rest of their time. He corrected me right quick, saying “No, actually I have custody.” Um. (more…)
Great Onelies in Real Time: Shanaz (YOUR RESPONSES REQUESTED) January 8, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Great Onelies in Real Time, Heteronormativity, Profiles, Your Responses Requested!.Tags: gay, haircut, homophobia, iranian politics, lesbian, single, singlism
7 comments
This evening my hairdresser and I talked about being Onely. Shanaz likes men but is more interested in friends, her hair artistry, her daughter, her writing (Persian language commentary on Iranian politics), and just life. “I’m happiest without a boyfriend,” she says. At forty-something, she’s been married and coupled and single and even accidentally involved with a married man. And she chooses single.
But you know what’s coming next, don’t you? (more…)
Love and the Single Wallet January 5, 2009
Posted by Onely in As If!, Dating.Tags: christian dior poison, dna dating, gene partner, pricing discrimination, scientific match, single dating, singlism
3 comments
Copious Readership, how much do you judge your date by their smell? I’m not talking about those awkward moments involving halitosis, or “But I didn’t play raquetball hard enough today to need a shower,” or Christian Dior’s Poison. I mean the actual body odor underneath the bacteria.
Do you think that scientists can analyze daters’ DNA to match them with genetically compatible significant others? The theory goes that we are attracted to partners whose immune systems have key differences from ours, (more…)
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