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Dear Quirkyalone: Am I Too Picky? August 31, 2009

Posted by Onely in quirkyalone.
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8 comments

“Dear Quirkyalone: Advice for QuirkyLiving” is a weekly guest column by Lisa and Christina (crossposted at Quirkyalone). It appears every Monday. When you’re making up your own road map for (quirky)living, you need thoughtful advice. We’re here for you. Quirkyalone and Onely welcome your questions; send them on to onely AT onely.org.

Dear Quirkyalone: Are single people over a certain age too picky? Is that so wrong? — Special K
Dear Special K,

Here’s my short answer: No, and No.

But to be more specific:

First, I’d like to consider the phrase “too picky.” The way I see it, being “picky” is not in and of itself a “bad” thing, though our culture often seems to say so. Let’s say we’re talking about food: If you order the specialty burger at your favorite restaurant that comes loaded with toppings – in this case bacon, blue cheese, arugula, avocado, and mushrooms – but the taste and texture of mushrooms make you want to puke, it’s pretty reasonable to ask for the burger without the mushrooms. If you are too shy, uncertain, or simply unaware to articulate this taste, you’ll likely leave the restaurant dissatisfied and/or hungry. (more…)

What if Married People Were Treated Like Singles? August 30, 2009

Posted by Onely in Food for Thought.
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5 comments

A previous version of this post originally ran on the excellent site Professor What If (PWI).  The Professor is now writing a different (but equally thought-provoking) blog analyzing the Twilight cultural phenomenon from a feminist perspective.  Check it out! You don’t have to be a Twilight fan to understand and enjoy it. And now, back to the music:

Lisa and Christina both identify as white, middle-class, heterosexual women who don’t mind being single. We’re tired of cultural stereotypes that suggest we’re not supposed to be happy with our “relationship status”. Really the only thing we’re unhappy about is that we don’t have all the same rights as married couples.  This discrimination is just plain silly when you consider that in the U.S., a majority of households are now headed by unmarried people. 

Therefore, below we’ve asked (and answered) a few “what if” questions to highlight the material, social, and legal restrictions habitually placed on adult singles, more often than not in favor of those who are married.

Note: We define “single” as anyone who is unmarried, including: coupled-but-not-married and domestic partners; anyone who identifies as GLBT and are either legally unable to marry or refuse the institution of marriage altogether; those who identify as polyamorous or asexual; divorcees and widowers; single parents; and, of course, anyone else who is just plain single. (When we refer to the social [as opposed to legal] stigmatization of singles below, we’re referring more specifically to anyone who is uncoupled.) And with all that said, now back to the music: 

What if married people were treated by the media, friends, and family like singles (in this case, uncoupled singles)? They would encounter statements such as:

  • “Don’t worry, you’ll get a divorce someday!”
  • “Oh, you’re married? I’m so sorry!”
  • “You’re so great – how come you’re still married?”
  • “It’s okay to be married for a while, but eventually you need to grow up and become single.”
  • “You’re so lucky to be married and not have as much responsibility.”
  • “But don’t you feel bad not having a life, seeing as you’re married?”
  • “When are you going to get a divorce?”
  • “It’s so sad having to come home to a house with someone in it all the time.”
  • “Well, I would’ve invited you to book group, except you’re married and I thought you wouldn’t want to be around all those happily single people.”
  • “What’s a beautiful woman like you doing married?”

What if married people were treated by the government as singles? They would have to: (more…)

CALLING ALL SINGLE MEN! August 28, 2009

Posted by Onely in Everyday Happenings, Food for Thought, Guest Bloggers, Guest Posts.
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25 comments

Ok, well not ALL single men. We want to hear from single-and-fine-with-it men. Please tell us: Why do you like being single (or why do you not dislike it)? How do people react to your single status? What difficulties do you have being a single man in a couple’s world (if any)? And most important–where do you go for information about being Onely and male? I ask because Lisa and I received an astute email from a male reader, who said:

I came across your website recently, and while I do find what you have written to be quite interesting it seems to be written by women for women.  I was wondering if you know of any blogs that take a similar intellectual tone, like the one found in your blog but focus on both a man and a woman’s perspective on being single.  Any links you could send me would be greatly appreciated.

Yay, he called us intellectual! (Obviously he has not been reading our series of nutsucking posts.) 

Onely does try to write about issues affecting both sexes–usually in the form of gripes about legal discrimination against unmarried people. We would love to cover more single men’s issues, but unfortunately Lisa and I just don’t know what it’s like to be a single man, and we haven’t been able to find a lot of (non-heteronormative) information on the topic. As our regular readers are no doubt aware, there is a dearth of writings by empowered, Onely single males–not only on this site, but throughout media and literature. A recent search on Amazon.com for [happy single men] returned: (more…)

Nice Try, Nigeria August 28, 2009

Posted by Onely in As If!, Look What Google Barfed Up.
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1 comment so far

And now, the latest installment in our Look What Google Barfed Up series: Allison McCarthy’s interesting Global Comment article about the efforts by the Nigerian government (specifically, the Bauchi Agency for the Control of HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, Leprosy and Malaria, pithily acronymed BACATMA) to prevent the spread of AIDS:

By marrying off HIV-infected singles to each other! Yes! Because as we all know, the primary vectors for the virus are single people, not dirty needles or the rape-happy Nigerian police (as described in the Amnesty International report cited by McCarthy). According to the Global Comment article:

Single men and women, coming to the agency’s doors as patients in treatment for HIV/AIDS, are viewed as the primary spreaders of the virus.   (more…)

Friends Care about the Boring Shit August 26, 2009

Posted by Onely in Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy.
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9 comments

Hi everyone,

The fall semester has officially begun, which means, for me, the beginning of a mad scramble toward three doctoral exams which I must take (and pass) by the beginning of December. Between this, teaching two classes, presenting at two conferences, and composing a short article for an academic journal, I feel simultaneously thrilled by my life and on the verge of complete and utter panic.

But, believe it or not, this post isn’t about me. It’s about Christina. You see, I’ve got a veritable TON of reading to do in the next few months (I honestly don’t think I’m exaggerating all that much by measuring my work by thousands of pounds). And as I began really wading in deep last week, I realized that it was going to be easy to procrastinate. Too easy.  (more…)

Dear QuirkyAlone: How do I make new friends? August 24, 2009

Posted by Onely in quirkyalone.
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8 comments

“Dear Quirkyalone: Advice for QuirkyLiving” is a weekly guest column by Christina and Lisa. It appears every Monday (crossposted here from Quirkyalone). When you’re making up your own road map for (quirky)living, you need thoughtful advice. We’re here for you. Quirkyalone and Onely welcome your questions; send them on to onely AT onely.org.

Dear Quirkyalone,

Many of my friends are having children, and this is putting pressure on our friendships. Not only do they have next-to-no time to catch up, but all our conversation centres on their children. So it’s time to find new friends –but this is proving really really difficult. Can you talk about the phenomenon of having very few friends and where and how to make new friends (either single or childfree friends)? Thanks.

–Singal (in Australia)

Dear Singal,

I think many readers will identify with your problem. But before I answer your question, let me offer some annoying unsolicited advice: don’t give up on your friends right away. Friendship is about weathering life changes together. It’s normal for people–especially Quirkyalones or Quirkytogethers–to develop different goals and interests through life (would you want to be friends with them if they didn’t?). Consider yourself lucky that your friends are not taking up B.A.S.E. jumping (or something more terrifying, like scrapbooking). Some relationships can survive such shifts in interests, and others can’t. In any friendship, one person will sometimes tax the other’s patience–think of vacation slideshows. But when a friend really hurts or neglects you, try to decide what would be least stressful: abandoning the friendship, or taking action to fix it–whether through a frank talk with your friend, a simple apology, a monetary stimulus, interpretive dance, whatever. (more…)

Funny Friday: Please Don’t Promise Me Forever August 21, 2009

Posted by Onely in "Against Love"...?, As If!, Dating, Food for Thought.
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6 comments

Welcome to the first intallment of our new Funny Friday series. Today we are looking at a 1976 Hallmark booklet, “Please Don’t Promise Me Forever“. The Rotating Corpse discovered and posted this gem, which explains how to have a happy relationship by following a series of directives beginning with “Please don’t. . .”  Rotating Corpse commenters seem divided on whether the text of the booklet is dickish or loving. I think either way it’s hilarious. What do our Copious Readers think?

The booklet shows a series of pictures of a couple wearing vests, elaborately knotted scarves, or poofy sleeves. The blond woman and mustachioed man are shot in various states of fun couple activities, such as wading in a stream, playing Monopoly, and staring soulfully over the side of a bridge, as if looking for their Pooh Sticks. Some of the advice is actually quite sensible. But mostly the reader–after she stops laughing–comes away feeling as if the pair has a somewhat sickly, passive-aggressive love.  Some key lines in the text are:

Please don’t promise me forever./ I want us to love each other one day at a time / Instead of trying too hard and promising too much.  (more…)

FILM REVIEW: LARS AND THE REAL GIRL August 19, 2009

Posted by Onely in film review.
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16 comments

I watched this comedy movie, Lars and the Real Girl.  And I can’t figure out whether, as a Oneler, I hate the movie or love it. Copious Readers, can you help?

Lars is an introvert who lives next to his brother Gus and sister-in-law Karin. The movie opens with Karin at Lar’s door inviting him to breakfast. She worries about him because, as she has told her brother, he “spends so much time by himself”. After Lars doesn’t come to breakfast, later in the evening she jumps in front of his car, forcing him to brake suddenly. When he darts out of the car to see what the matter is, she asks him to dinner with her and her husband. Crazy woman, huh? Yet in the beginning of the movie, Lars is the one portrayed as wacky and incomplete. There is a backstory having to do with his depressed dad or something, but it doesn’t become clear until three quarters through the movie. Until then, whenever an eligible woman tries to strike up a conversation with Lars, he flinches and flees. There is the usual singlist rhetoric: a woman at church asks him if he’s seeing anyone, then asks him if he’s gay, then tells him it’s not good for him to live alone for too long. 

So far, so boring. But THEN it gets wierd. Lars shows up at Gus and Karin’s door saying he has a new “friend” whom he “met on the internet”. He asks if he can bring her to dinner too. Karin and Gus are thrilled, until he shows up for the meal with a lifesize, anatomically correct blowup doll named Bianca.  (more…)

Why Do People Stay in Bad Relationships? August 17, 2009

Posted by Onely in quirkyalone.
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15 comments

“Dear Quirkyalone: Advice for QuirkyLiving” is a weekly guest column by Lisa and Christina that appears on Quirkyalone (and is crossposted here) every Monday. When you’re making up your own road map for (quirky)living, you need thoughtful advice. We’re here for you. We welcome your questions; send them on to onely AT onely.org.

Dear Quirkyalone,

When a woman is in a relationship with a guy who everyone else can see is treating her badly, what goes on in the woman’s mind that prevents her from seeing these very same things? How does she qualify staying with this guy and why? What’s behind the excuses she makes for him?– Bobby

Hi Bobby,

This is an excellent question indeed. While I can’t claim to be able to speak for the woman in question, I can offer a few theories (which, as a side note, could be applied to either men or women, as well as lesbians and gay men): (more…)

Pop Culture, HOPE for the Onelys August 13, 2009

Posted by Onely in Pop Culture: HOPE for the Onelys, Secret Lives of the Happily Single, single and happy, Singles Resource.
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13 comments

Since last Friday I depressed you all with this post, I am happy to say that all is not lost for us single people and singles advocates, at least in pop/internet culture! A friend of mine sent me a link to this excellent article (cross-posted on Salon.com and Huffington Post), which is written by Lea Lane, author of Sololady.

In “Why I’m Alone,” Lane enumerates a long list of reasons why she’s not married. She’s refreshingly candid. Some of my favorites include: (more…)